Monday, May 16, 2011


24 weeks + 2 days, 7 weeks + 4 days post rupture, day 6 at my parent's place. (doctors consider me 24 weeks today)

The hardest part of this situation is the lack of control. My hopes and wishes have no bearing on the outcome. They didn't last time and they certainly haven't this time.

When you have no control over a situation many people turn to God. They rail at God for the unfairness of the situation. They are angry at God. Or maybe they feel God supports them, or will take care of everything in the end. They feel they are on a path and maybe the terrible situation is just part of that path.

Since I don't believe there is a 'God' overlooking my life, I have no one to 'blame' or feel angry at. It also means I have no one (including God) that I feel has any control. I have no idea why this has happened to us (again), and I hate thinking that 'someone' such as 'God' could have 'decided' to deal us such a horrible situation twice in a row, less than a year apart. What possible 'lesson' did I need to 'learn' that I didn't grasp LAST YEAR, the FIRST TIME this happened?

When I was born with a heart defect, my parents asked themselves a lot of the same questions. "Why us? Why our baby?" and my great-uncle (who lived to be 90 something and was a very smart guy), said "Why not you? You are not exempt from life's struggles". My parents told me this story years ago, and I found it helped me after Aidan died. Yes, why not me? I did nothing to deserve it, but nor was I exempt. Sometimes babies die. Sometimes it's my baby.

Entering this pregnancy, I also referred back to this idea and looked at it from the flip side. Because if you aren't exempt from life's downturns, you also aren't exempt from upswings either. Good is just as likely to happen to you as bad. And hey, losing a baby is pretty bad...but hey, it's also pretty rare! So, with this in mind, it could not be more of a blow to find ourselves here again. How could this happen? Why did this happen? Will it always happen? No one knows. It's exhausting to think about. Honestly, I think I'm done with this 'growing as a person' shit. I just want something to be easy. I want to float around in blousy maternity clothes and complain that the weather is 'too hot' and that I feel 'big as a whale' and that "I'm 24 weeks and I've hardly done anything on the baby's room!". I want my most stressful doctor's appointment to be concerning my glucose tolerance test. "Damn, an orange fuzzy drink that tastes just about ruined my day!". I want the baby shower, the embarrassing belly rubs in public places, the (almost) certainty that I will one day be addressed as "Mommy".

Sure the situation could be worse, I suppose, but it could also be a HELL of a lot better. Why isn't it? Why us (AGAIN)? Go away, fate, destiny, God, the universe, karma...pick on someone else for a change.

So, since I have no God to really question as to why I ended up on 'this side of the fence' again, no all mighty power I can trust to 'ensure everything is okay', I'm almost embarrassed to admit how superstitious I am. I have a hard time planning for even later in a day "just in case I jinx it" and I dare not plan for tomorrow. When we talk about 'the baby', my husband and I have given in to crossing our fingers (and toes, and occasionally our eyes). Up until my membranes ruptured we were knocking on wood. Obviously that wasn't terribly successful so we had to switch tactics.

Last Friday I allowed myself to go sit in a chair on my parent's deck, just to get some sunshine. I had my husband take a few photos and then immediately thought "oh no, why did I do that?!" Last time we took outdoor photos of me during my pregnancy was April 19th or 20th 2010...and 2 days later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then there are the pyjama bottoms I was wearing when I started gushing blood when I was pregnant with's been over a year and I've hardly worn them since. Now that all this has happened, I don't even like touching them. Even my doctor's office feels tainted. Maybe we should have insisted on a new OB (heart defect and best prenatal care in the province be damned!) because I can hardly stand to hear the guy's voice. These are all the stupid ways I feel 'in control', when I logically realize none of them matter.

How I wish I could do something that matters. Something that could make a difference.

If we could Acorn, we would. Mommy and Daddy love you.

How do you deal with the loss of control? What makes you feel more in control of your situation?


  1. I feel similar in that I don't have a "God" to blame. I feel superstitious to even hope for the possibility that I will be pregnant again, and that if I am, the concept of having a real live baby to keep forever seems so far and away... But just as you don't wish away a pregnancy, I don't really think you can jinx it.. This doesn't stop me from crossing my toes or fingers, nor does it stop me from praying to a God who I don't believe in... GAH, all over the place.

    I think accepting you have no control over this, that's the beginning. You can't blame yourself, you have no control.

  2. Your great uncle knows his stuff. Why NOT you? Why NOT me? Who are we to avoid the bad shit life has to offer.

    p.s. I am superstitious about everything...and I do believe in God. It just adds more stress to my life :(

  3. Your writing is beautiful. Thinking about you everyday. You have gotten so far .. you are amazing.

    I don't know about the control either .. I have a doppler that I used with my two little guys that I lost and I know I will never use it again .. just to wierd, but silly at the same time. So many other wierd little things like that.

  4. I sometimes imagine myself trying to stay afloat but letting the river carry me wherever it will. I have no control over where life takes me, all I can do is to try to survive, keep afloat, and if at all possible sneak in some moments of enjoyment. Sometimes that works, sometimes it does not, but I realize that I cannot control just about anything in regards to my body or my pregnancies, my husband's health, my parents' health, or anything that truly matters really. All I can control are just small details. And that is all we can do I think.

  5. emily, i want to apologize for not saying much here lately. the truth is, i haven't known what to say. i know it gives you no comfort to be told your baby's being prayed for (and my own faith is still very uncertain since losing kenny - i don't know how good a prayer i am right now, anyway), and i don't want to give you platitudes and try to reassure you about things i have no control over, or a future i cannot see. i think it's a sad statement that i know what to say to someone who's lost a baby, but not to someone struggling every day to stay pregnant. but i do want you to know that i've been keeping up with you. i've been thinking about you a LOT. and my heart hurts for what you are going through. it is NOT fair, and you DO deserve so, so much better.

  6. I wish I knew the answer to that as well. I know when my son had leukemia how powerless, helpless, fearful and worried I felt,how unsure for the future, living one day at a time, filled with uncertainty, dread,worry and fear. I am a person who HAS to know how things will turn out in the end, what to expect,and to constantly be reassured things will be ok and I just didn't have it.I felt like I was spinning out of control into this dark bottomless pit.You are not alone and are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I have controlled what I can control like what I eat and just trying to take care of myself. THere are certain things I avoid like friends who are pregnant or getting rid of certain maternity clothes where my daughter was dying. Avoidance is my way of controlling... Thinking of you, dear.

  8. i think it is absolutely WONDERFUL that you got some well needed sunshine and had a little photo shoot. it's not a bad thing to document acorn's pregnancy (and LIFE!) and really, you've went this long in crisis mode, why not sit back any try to capture a little bit of happiness?

    just live mama. be present in today. don't let the worry kill you. you made it this far, and while i'm not a medical doctor, it is clear that some act of faith is happening here (i don't believe in "GOD" either) so just allow yourself to be more and more pregnant.

    you're doing it. every day. i'm so proud of you. we all are. keep doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    <3 julie

  9. While you are not in control of so many things, at least you did take control of your environment - now you are surrounded by family and are still close to the hospital in case you need it. That is wonderful! I know that dread of planning, although I've never been as far along as you, and the comfort of being alone in a sort of cocoon. Do what feels good to YOU, don't cater to anyone and let your DH and family members deal with the outside world for you now. As always, thinking of you and Acorn...

  10. I bought a pair of maternity jeans (nice ones) then miscarried. They were so lovely I couldn't throw them away but next time I was pregnant I couldn't touch them. I finally wore them after I gave birth.
    With Maisy people would try to be positive as I got further along and I couldn't and was so scared positive thoughts would mean she wouldn't be able to breathe when she was born. Thinking of you and acorn.

  11. This is silly...but you're doing all you can. You're loving Acorn every day that you have him or her. It's such a good sign that you're still pregnant...when do you go back to the hospital??

  12. The lack of control sucks. Although something it makes me feel better too. It doesn't matter how careful I was or the things I worried about, ultimately I had/have no control.

    I wish all you were worried about was the gross glucose test drink and feeling huge and hot too, about itchy skin on your belly as it stretches and round ligament pain.

    You are doing everything you can possibly do for Acorn. Acorn knows that. If you weren't doing all that you were doing, Acorn would probably already have been born. At least Acorn still has a chance now.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog about the AFP levels and problems with the placenta. No one ever told me that and the pathology report on my placenta did say that it was a little smaller than it should have been and there was sign of blood clots. I'm definitely bringing that to my doctor's attention next time.

    I hate that you have been dealt such a shitty hand.

    I understand about being worried about the pictures outside. I'm scared to wear the same maternity clothes the next time, as if the clothes somehow killed him. I know for sure I won't be going to any plays when I'm pregnant, I won't go to High Park or Doors Open Toronto when/if I'm pregnant again, as those are all things I did in the last few days that I was pregnant with Jacob.