Friday, May 6, 2011

Leaking = Sucky

22 weeks + 6 days, 6 weeks + 1 day post rupture, 2nd day in hospital

Okay, I'm over being in hospital now. I've been here 24 hours and I want to go home. I miss my comfortable bed, I miss my cat, I miss my own washroom and my own sheets and my own windows. I miss not having strangers barge into my room unannounced (as a nurse I know they have to do that, but damn is it intrusive). I miss being able to do my mini stretching exercises on my carpetted bedroom floor which I was trying to do to keep myself in some sort of 'shape' that didn't resemble 'blob'.

It is hard to contemplate that the longer I'm here the better it is for Acorn (and we're not even sure of that. If he goes without fluid for long enough, no matter how long he 'bakes' his lungs won't develop), but the longer I'm here the worse it is for me physically and mentally. I want this baby to come home healthy...but damn the cost of that is high. Will it be higher than I can take? Higher than I can give? I don't know. I hope not.

Leaking is also extremely hard on me mentally. The last few times I've leaked I've 'sealed' fairly quickly. Usually the leaking would taper off within 24-36 hours and I'd be dry for days (2 weeks last time) until it would start again. But it's been 36 hours now and I'm still feeling 'gushes' when I move. I'm worried this time it's not going to stop. It's hard. I feel so bad every time I feel a gush. I feel like I'm leaking Acorn's life away and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to be really clean to prevent infection, but that's harder in the hospital too. I'm worried about everything (Germs on the toilet paper? I have to share a room, so does my room mate have any illnesses? Staff members in and out of here all day long, none of you better be sick and for GOD'S SAKE WASH YOUR HANDS!) It's awful. I've lost control of my body, lost control of my ability to protect my baby, and now I've lost control of my space.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I was SO SURE things would be different. Possibly something bad would happen, but most likely everything would go well. Things couldn't go exactly the same as last time. Right? Right?! I think I even said to my husband "I don't think we could repeat the same exact circumstances if we tried". Everyone was so sure it was a 'fluke'.

But here we are again, and holy shit does it ever suck.


  1. thinking of you, emily. hang in there. think of how far you and acorn have already made it. you are strong!

  2. You CAN do this! You WILL be able to pay any price for little Acorn! You have made it soo stinkin' far that you can't stop now!

    Imagine yourself one day reading all these post to Acron and telling him that this is how much you love him and how you nearly went to the ends of the Earth for him!

    Lots of Love and stay strong!xoxox

  3. I am hoping so very hard for you that things turn out differently and your fluids reseal, and asap. You're so strong to (have to) go through this right now. I pray Acorn get those lungs developed and stays put another month or 3!.

    Is there a point at which they can inject steriods to help Acorn's lungs develop any earlier just in case? I don't think I've heard of that happening before thirty-ish weeks, but fingers crossed I am wrong.

  4. It really, really sucks. It is so hard to believe that practically the same thing is happening to Acorn as what happened to Aidan. I always remember a comment you put on one of my blog entries about what our next pregnancies will be like. We didn't think the same thing would happen next time, but worried about all the other things that could go wrong.

    I just feel sick that you are going through this.

    You have so little control over what is happening. You are doing everything you can for Acorn. Everything.

    Thinking of you all the time and hoping and praying that the leak seals soon and you have enough fluid for several more weeks.

  5. Are they planning on doing another scan to see how your fluid looks? When would they be able to (if they are able to) give steroids to help Acorn's lungs develop?

    I know that this is hell for you and that you're in good hands. I was just wondering if they had updated things now that the situation has changed.

  6. Yes, it sucks!! I say that as a fellow pPROM mother... It is hard on us/you where they couldn't provide concrete answers. I hope the staff is monitoring you properly and doing all they can to keep you away from infection.

  7. that sucks so bad and I wish I could say or do something that could help with all of this or even provide you with some comfort. You all are always in my prayers

  8. Seems like every time you have a bit of luck it gets snatched away from you again. It's so unfair!! Hoping the membranes somehow seal up again at least long enough to get Acorn to viability. I know this is taking every bit of strength you and Acorn can muster - keep fighting!

  9. Continuing to send all my love and positive thoughts for Acorn to hang on.

  10. Thinking of you and Acorn, and crossing my fingers till they ache. This is all just so scary and unfair.

  11. I wish I had magical words of comfort. For now I can tell you that I am reading and thinking of you both every day...

  12. I know that feeling of leaking your baby's life fluid away, I had that for the week I spent in the hospital with Adrian, and every drop of fluid made me panic. I would cry with every little gush. It is so difficult to live through this awful time. Hugs, and hang in there, what else can you do?