Sunday, April 17, 2011

Calls for help on Aidan's Day

20 weeks + 2 days, 25 days post rupture.

It's coming. It's only days away. Aidan's first 'dirthday'. I have a very hard time calling it his 'birthday', because it shouldn't be. He was due August 15th 2010. Only a very very small percentage of very lucky babies due on August 15th, could be born on April 21st and live to see any other birthdays. I 'technically' should have an 8 or 9 month old.

Instead April 21st will always be a sad/happy/bittersweet day in this household.

Up until all the stuff with my current pregnancy happened, I was actually looking forward to the day. I didn't plan on doing anything big involving family and friends as some people do ('birthday' parties, fundraisers, memorial gatherings etc), but I had hoped the day would be a special one for my husband and I to spend together. We had both booked it off work long ago. People asked me at work "are you going on a trip?" and my response was "No, that's my son's 'birthday'...and I don't want to be here on that day". I wanted the day to make a cake or cupcakes that we might eat for breakfast. I wanted to go for a walk in a local park and hopefully see some buds on the trees and flowers poking out of the ground. I wanted to maybe take some photos of things I've collected for Aidan over the last year. I wanted a day to just sit and remember my son, maybe even do something artsy or creative in his honour.

I remember thinking back sometime in February or early March "I know I'll be 20ish weeks pregnant at that time, but I don't want April 21st to have anything to do with the new baby. That's Aidan's day".

Best laid plans.

It started to unravel back when around 16 weeks pregnant I had my first placental scan. The date that they gave me for my 2nd follow up scan? April 21st at 8:45am. Initially I was going to cancel it. I didn't want to be anywhere near a hospital or doctor's office on that day. It was AIDAN'S DAY, not a day to get news about Acorn, good or bad.

But then my water broke, and the placenta is bad again and I'm having doctor's visits almost weekly, and the April 21st appointment is still scheduled. Now I can't do any of the things I planned to do for Aidan on his day. I'm not allowing myself to stand for long enough to bake cupcakes. I can't go for a long walk in the park. We will be at the doctor's office that day at 8:45 am for another placental/baby scan, then talk to Dr. K. and pick his brain about all the things I mentioned in my last post. Then it's on to Dr. S. who will look at us with his hound dog face with little hope in his eyes. Then, just for an added bonus, if I finish up with the doctors quickly enough I'll have a 45 minute long ECHO on my own heart. Then we will go home and crash in bed, tense and stressed as always after these appointments.

This is all assuming I don't go into labour before then of course, because it's always a possibility. If that's the case, then for Aidan's first 'dirthday' I'll be having another dead baby.

So, instead maybe I can ask all of you to do something for my Aidan that day, since I can't. Do something nice for someone and tell me about it. Take a picture of his name and send it to me. Have some cake in Aidan's honour (the calories don't count if you're eating it for someone else). Take a picture of something growing in your garden or any other small living creature and post it for me to see. My e-mail is

I feel so bad that, in our lives Aidan's day won't be just about him. It feels like one more way that things haven't worked out the way I wanted. One more way I've failed him. Maybe, if I know others are thinking about him, it can still be special and meaningful. It might not be me doing those things for him, but if I know others are thinking about him, and about how much he meant in our lives, that's almost as good.

It will have to be...this year, anyway.


  1. I wish things were different for you. I wish you could spend Aidan's day the way you want to. I already have a plan of what I will do for Aidan on the 21st.

    I hope the scans go well. I'll be thinking of you, as always.

  2. I would be honoured to do something for Aidan on his birthday! We are always looking for excuses to eat cupcakes in our house! I wish you could do everything you had planned. Your plans were so sweet and I know they would have brought you some peace on his special day.

  3. I found your blog through Annie's blog and I just wanted to stop by. So sorry to hear what you've had to go through in the past year...I thought I'd leave a comment because I am having my very first embryo transfer on the 21st, and so I guess this date is especially special for me and I just wanted to let you know. Can I promise you that I will be thinking of Aidan on Thursday? Sending you lots of love and good thoughts, and hoping for that little one growing inside of you right now.

  4. Aidan's day with all that you're going through now, my gosh I can't imagine. I'm just hoping beyond hope that you get good news that day.

    I will do a you asked above in your plans and send you something.

  5. I'm sorry that things just keep getting more complicated for you. You have every right to feel like the universe is out to get you.

    I will help celebrate Aidan's birthday too. We also kept things low key for my son's 1st birthday celebration, including eating cupcakes for breakfast so I hope you can get some cupcakes to eat before all those appointments.

  6. Aidan's day will still be Aidan's day; he's forever part of your family and you'll be doing what you need to for your family. And you'll have other people help you remember it; I'll be one.

  7. I know it's not the same, but we didn't get to do anything for my Aidan's birthday. We were supposed to go out to dinner with our families, but we had a nasty snow storm. I felt so guilty. I just had to remember that he would want us to stay healthy and he knows how much we love and miss him. I know your Aidan is the same way. He wants you to stay down to protect Acorn.

  8. Coming to you via Cradles & Graves. You've had enough sympathy so I won't go there. I want to commit to doing something for your Aidan on Thursday and to pray for you and Acorn every morning.

  9. This year.. it will be. I will certainly do something for you to honor Aidan's life on the 21st. Sending you love and light Emily....

  10. I will be thinking of Aiden and your family on the 21st, hoping you get some good news that day.

  11. I haven't been online much. And I missed much of what you're going through with this subsequent pregnancy. :( I hope you'll have good news about Acorn. Hang in there, dear mama, I'll remember Aidan on the 21st. He is loved and missed.

  12. I just started following your blog this moment. I will be thinking of you and acorn on Aidans day. I know that you want it to be Aidans day but I am sure he wants us all to pray for his little brother/Sister too!

  13. On the eve of the 21st, I am thinking of you, your DH, Acorn and especially of Aidan.


    I hope you are doing well in your bed, and your appointments tomorrow are all positive news.