It's been a rough couple of days my peeps.
I shall sum up:
1) Went for job interview as can no longer bear to return to old job as it is full of premature infants who look ever so much like my son...except they are breathing. Difficulty level out of 10: 7. Scores points for making me have to appear *chipper!* and *enthusiastic!* about a job I would not be applying for except for my dead baby. Loses points for stirring just a *teeny tiny* flicker of interest in my cold dark soul.
2) Went to family doctor's appointment where said doctor performed the dreaded 'internal'. Also punch in the gut having to rehash how awful (wonderful?) it was that Aidan was completely normal. Difficulty level out of 10: 6.5. Points awarded for walking into my first conversation with someone who did not know said pregnancy did not end happily. Have not yet figured out correct response to "Congratulations!" Points lost when receptionist melted my heart when she cried about my dead baby.
1) Follow up appointment with Congenital Cardiac Clinic, where I received annual ECHO, ECG, blood work, multiple requests to participate in research projects and meetings with doctors and fellows. Place I dread going...even without having to drag my (figurative) dead baby along with me.
Verdict: Heart functioning as per pre-pregnancy levels. Always abnormal, but not any more abnormal than normal.
Number of medical personnel that I had to discuss Aidan and failed pregnancy with and receive awkward condolences from: 5.
Difficulty level: 9. Points awarded for talking about the two biggest tragedies of my life in the same instance (my heart and my son) and for having to hear the cardiac patient down the hall who has a 1 1/2 year old daughter talk about how wonderful her pregnancy was and how great her daughter turned out. Bonus points awarded for having to listen with a straight face to elderly female cardiologist tell me that she thinks I should 'look towards the future' and 'remain optimistic'. Right. Thanks. See: Sunshine post. Points lost for nice researcher who took down my entire family tree for study, including my son and asked "what was his name?".
I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of trying not to cry in front of these people. I'm just tired. My heart hurts...and not in a way that can be measured in a blood test or on a scan.
Going to see Eclipse again tomorrow night. Also going to Black Eyed Peas concert on Sunday. Putting these two days behind me.
What is the greatest tragedy of your life (other than the obvious)?