And so forth...

No I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but things have been moving and shaking around here.  I have been accepted at my Alma mater (which I LOVE saying) for the Masters-NP Program this Fall, which means we are going to sell our house, rent for a couple of years while I'm in school, and then when I (hopefully!!!) get an awesome (well paying, life accommodating, permanent) job at the end, we will buy a new home. 

Although I am excited about this major life change and the opportunities it will open up for us, selling our house, moving and organizing our life in our new (probably smaller) abode has me constantly wondering "where is THAT going to go?" and "what do we really NEED in a temporary place, and what's a luxury?" and "if we live here then ________ will be possible, but if we live here then ______ is better".

Etc.

etc. 

And so forth.

It's a lot of weighing options, computer searches (rentals! childcare! local amenities!) and cleaning up and throwing out of stuff we don't use and no longer need.  I'm both excited...and exhausted...

***

I am preparing to get rid of a bunch of Kaia's baby clothes.  I've organized the first year's stuff, saved what I want, sold some, loaned some and donated the rest.  It's freeing.  We are a one child family, time to get rid of extra stuff, downsize and streamline into our new home!

***

Then, this week, my provincial government announced that in 2015 it will start funding ONE round of IVF treatment where ONE egg can be implanted at a time (to cut down on multiples) for those who are judged to be infertile.

I look at Brian....he looks at me.

Hum....so tempting...

Suddenly, I'm resorting my piles of baby stuff.  Maybe I will need this...?  Maybe I should hang on to that...?  What if I get rid of this and then we need it...?

Are we really done?  

Maybe it is possible?!

Sometimes hope is such a four letter word.

***

Aidan's day is Monday.  At the time of his birth (5:10 am) I will be looking after someone else's baby in the NICU, a place I was not sure I would ever be able to return to as I held my dead son in my arms almost 4 years ago.  I had originally thought I would always try to keep HIS day separate from the rest of my life.  A sort of non-religious holy day in our family. We planned to take time off work, have Kaia miss daycare or school, spend the day appreciating our family.  Now it's only 4 years in and I've already gone and screwed it up by mistakenly scheduling myself on either side of the Easter weekend, not realizing my Sunday night shift would fall on HIS day.  I feel bad somehow...like I'm missing my own kid's party and consequently letting him down.

Only of course it's not a party.  It's a 'dirth'-day, not a 'birth'-day.

Brian helpfully reminds me that Aidan won't mind.  

It's true.  He won't.

The dead are so accommodating that way. 

Still...I might try to schedule my break at work around 5 am.  Maybe even head outside or to a window so I can look up at the sky and whisper "Happy Birthday baby boy...Mommy loves you".

Always.