Friday, August 6, 2010


It's my husband's birthday this weekend. On August 8th he will be 32 years old.

I wish I had a way to make it special for him. I wish Aidan were here or about to be born. I wish I could pull something out of my hat (or out of my uterus) to make him happy, to make this day special for him. I wish the entire weekend was filled with joy, rather than tinged with sadness.

We got him a cookies and cream gelato cake. It better be damn good.

But no cake will be good enough.

On the other hand, thank you my babylost friends for responding with such love and acceptance to my last post. It is hard for me to admit how much of a failure I feel like. I *know* I'm not, but there is always those niggling feelings of 'what if'...but I did feel a little better after my last post.

So happy weekend all. Next week I join the 'land of the living'. I'll try to keep my thoughts on positive and happy things. Maybe, just maybe it will be okay.

How have you made birthdays and other occasions special for each other since the loss of your baby? Can you get through the day without thinking, "If only..."


  1. my birthday was actually much nicer than i expected. all my friends were off at someone's wedding (i should have been there too but no way could i have seen the nine-months-pregnant woman i knew would be there) so i just had the day with D. we had breakfast, then went to a market in town and wandered in the sunshine and i spent some of my birthday money.

    it was lovely. but it was hard knowing that i 'should' still have been pregnant.

    i hope your hubby enjoys his birthday.

  2. ken's birthday was less than two weeks after kenny's death and birth, and we went to the funeral home that day to pick up kenny's urn/ashes. so it was a rather depressing day. i gave him a gift he would have been excited about - i bought it before kenny died. but it was hard to be excited about anything at that point. my birthday is coming up next month, and i am dreading it, for more reasons than one.

    you gave me a laugh with the pulling something out of your uterus comment. i'm thankful for all giggles these days.

    happy birthday to your hubby. i hope there is something enjoyable about it for both of you.

  3. Our Wyatt was born sleeping on June 6, he was only 29 weeks and 1 day gestation. He passed exactly 1 week and 2 days after we found out that he had Hypoplastic Left Heart. He passed only a few weeks prior to Father's Day. A day which wasn't going to be celebrated yet, since Wyatt wasn't expected until 8/19/2010.
    However, I found myself planning a funeral and planning a father's day gift at the same time. What can you get that will make it all better? That was the hardest question, and you know what, I still never answered it.
    Instead, I settled for a coffee mug, with a picture of our little boy and his name printed on it. I figured it wouldn't make things better, but it would bring love with every sip.
    xoxo, Megan

  4. After my third loss, my husband's birthday was about 10 days later. I usually make a fuss over his birthday - and I wasn't feeling it AT ALL.

    I don't really have any advice - I just forced myself to do the stuff I would have normally done. Cake, presents, nice dinner out. I went through the motions, but I know was not myself at all.

    Special occasions are rough.

  5. Our anniversary will never be the same after Kai. He died a day before our wedding anniversary, we confirmed that he passed away the next day, which was our actual anniversary day. Then on the following day I gave birth to him. So next year, it would definitely be painful for us. But hopefully, we can celebrate it joyously in honor of our son in the coming years after that.

    So I don't know how to answer your question. But maybe doing something together would be special enough. It doesn't have to be grand, it can be as simple as renting a movie and binging on cake and ice cream.

    I hope you and your husband enjoy his birthday.

  6. We have only had Father's Day since losing Jacob so I don't have any helpful comments about how to get through a birthday.

    I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking about you and hope that you have a peaceful weekend and that work goes well next week. I'll be checking for your updated and sending good thoughts your way.