Right Where I Am: Two Years, One Month, One Week, One Day Later

Where am I?  

I'm still here.  

Further along the path, but still travelling.  

I guess I thought somehow I would have arrived by now. To where? I'm not sure. But still, there is no end in sight. Perhaps that's the point. When your baby dies, you're never done, never finished. Never done grieving. Never done remembering. Never finished wishing for the things that might have, almost, could have, would have, should have been.  

Things change over time, of course.  They always do.  

Except the fact that he's dead.  That never changes.

***

I'm in a much better place this year than when I wrote my post for Angie's project last year.  Having Kaia is a big part of that. Kissing a chubby baby tummy, holding a soft dimpled hand, feeding a tiny greedy mouth and waking up to a light-up-my-life smile is beyond wonderful. Kaia is all that and more, wrapped up in daughter-y goodness. 

But it's not just her presence that has pulled me out of the darkness.

A year ago, I feared she would die. I was afraid that I would have to burn another child. 

A year ago, I feared she would live, but with crippling health problems. It would be a miracle...but with so many strings attached.

That she is who she is, and does what she does, seems like so much more than I could have ever asked for. That she defied the odds and lives to tell the tale is the greatest gift I have ever received.  On days that are hard, where I'm tired or she's out of sorts, or life isn't as simple as it could be, all it takes is a reminder, and I'm grateful again. I know it could always be worse. Much worse.

The fact that she is miraculously alive, against all the odds, continues to astound and amaze me. That this time I got what I wanted, that she wasn't taken away, has healed a part of me that was so damaged when Aidan died. Having her alive and well has restored my faith in life's goodness.

So maybe it's no wonder that sometimes I feel I no longer deserve to be sad over Aidan's death.  He died, true...  But she lived! 

You got what you wanted. How much more can you ask for? You know that life isn't fair. Can't always get what you want. Be grateful. 

And I am.

But...(a small voice says). 

Other people have no dead children. 

No pregnancies that cripple them and place them on life's sidelines for months. 

No post-traumatic stress triggers (NICU, sick, possibly dying babies, sad, sad parents) that await them upon return to work after maternity leave. 

No reason to think that a next pregnancy would be anything but joyful anticipation.  

No reason not to have another, very much wanted (alive), sibling for their child.

I am so lucky...and not, all at the same time.

***

It's still all so complicated.  So awash in love and fear and longing.  

But now? That is utterly normal. 

Just life.  

It is what it is.

And I'm still here.

Vacation

On vacation at the cottage this week! 

Kaia and I came up on Saturday with my parents and Brian stayed home for a few days to put in hardwood floor in our living and dining room. (Yeah for a carpenter husband!!) He finished Monday and drove up Tuesday to spend the rest of the week with Kaia and I, while my parents left to go back to the city. I was really excited to come to the cottage since we missed out on the entire 2011 season due to pregnancy and NICU time. I think I started last summer the same shade of pale I finished it, so I'm really pleased to get some nice weather while we're up here.

I am also really excited to share the cottage with Kaia. My grandparents bought this place when I was a year old, so many of my best childhood memories contain the cottage. It's really special to be able to share it with my daughter and see my parents take on the role that my own grandparents enjoyed so much. Kaia is having a good time and is finally starting to get good at sitting up on her own as well as adding a few more constants into her vocabulary. I've heard 'ba' and 'da' since we arrived here on Saturday.  I'm hoping 'ma' is next! 

Kaia continues to try new foods, including small bits of meat.  She had butter chicken at home last week and LOVED it. She's also had a bit of (soft) steak, but wasn't too keen on salmon. She will eat most fruit, so I thought she would love watermelon since it's so soft and juicy, but it was a no go.  Maybe it was too cold?  I'll have to try that one again some time.

Sleep is still a bit of an issue.  For most of Kaia's life we have held her after feeding while she falls asleep. This is somewhat of a time consuming and unsustainable bad habit, so I figured the change of scenery at the cottage might be a good chance to make a change. Since we arrived on Saturday, at every nap and bed time once Kaia's bottle is finished, she goes into her bed whether she is asleep or not. The cottage is very open and thus she can hear us walking around and talking even if she can't see us, and I was afraid this might hinder the process. So far, she hasn't seemed to mind too much, and I'm thinking it might even help for her to hear us nearby. It's taken as little as 5 minutes to as much as an hour and a half for her to fall asleep after being put to bed, but instead of crying she babbles to herself. I'm hoping we can keep this up at home. It would be a major improvement and definitely free up some of our evenings.  I might even get to work out once in awhile!

However, Kaia is still waking up at night usually twice, for a bottle. She eats before she goes to sleep at 7pm, then wakes around midnight for a bottle and then again around 5am, finally getting up around 8am. She seems to need these bottles as she does eat quite a bit (100-150 mls). Usually she goes back to sleep during the night fairly quickly...but on the nights she doesn't it's like torture. Kaia!!!! Pipe down...some of us are TRYING to sleep!  I'm really hoping the elusive 'sleeping through the night' is just around the corner, but who knows at this point.

I also have come to appreciate more of what it means to be a 'mom on vacation' when I arrived at the cottage and figured out 'wait a sec...I still have all the work that I do at home!" It's true that moms don't really get vacations. I still pump 4x a day. I still wash bottles every day. I still have dirty clothes and diapers to change, night time feedings, and an 18 pound kid to haul around and keep entertained. It's fun and I wouldn't trade it for anything...but not exactly what one generally pictures as 'relaxing'.  Different scenery, same chores.

It's nice to be away from the computer for a few days, but I hope to start my "What Aidan taught me" series when I get home. 

Hope all you Americans have a good Memorial Day weekend and hope all of you Canadians enjoyed May 24 long weekend as much as I did.

I'll end with a picture of Kaia, lounging at the cottage in her new kid-sized Muskoka chair.

Mommy's Day

Feeling grateful this year.

Mother's Day 2010: Aidan had just died a few weeks before.  I was still bleeding out all that should be inside, nourishing him, keeping him healthy and safe. Instead I felt broken. Inside and out. I had failed him in the most basic way possible. 

It was a hard day.  

We had brunch at my mother's house to 'celebrate'.  We gave a framed photo of Aidan to my Mom as a present.  We didn't have energy to be creative. His photo was the most meaningful thing I had to share. She cried.  They weren't happy tears.  

It was a hard day.

Mother's Day 2011: Pregnant but with pPROM. Again. In hospital after 6 weeks of bed rest at home. Still not at 'viability'.  Coming up on the gestational age we lost Aidan.  Hope as low as the Mariana Trench.

It was a hard day.

Heard another patient in the hall saying her scheduled C-section had been pushed back to Tuesday.  "Guess this little one wasn't quite ready to make this my first Mother's Day!".  Jealous. Angry. Hurt.  If she's 2 days away from having her full term baby by C-section and she's not a mom...what does that make me?  Feel like a failure. Again.

It was a hard day.

Mother's Day 2012: Woke up to "waaaaa" and Brian saying Kaia was requesting my presence down in the kitchen.  Pancakes.  Eggs.  Toast.  "Happy Mother's Day". Gooey baby mush all over my floor.  Kaia's cranky from being up since 5 am.  Brian got up with her...after I was up with her at 1am.  Needs a nap already. I could use one too.

It was a great day.

My mom and me.  Out in the backyard.  Gardening.  Gabbing...between my Mom blowing her nose.  She has a cold.  I'm sure we'll all have it by week's end.  Got flowers planted this spring.  Last two years were write offs.  My backyard looks...happy. I am happy.

It was a great day.

Gave my mom and my mother-in-law framed photos of us as a family.

Minus one. 

Always minus one.

I am your mommy too Aidan.  I never forget it.  I never forget you.

Love you, now and always.

To all you mommies out there, whether your baby is near or as far as can be, or maybe only exists in your dreams...I wish you a happy, peaceful, hopeful day.

Hole to Whole

This is a hole.

It was made by an erupting volcano. The earth exploded and crumbled. Dust and debris flew into the atmosphere, choking the life out of anything that dared to breathe. Boiling lava spewed out and obliterated whatever surrounded it. A total waste land.

This is an apt visual representation of what my life looked like after Aidan died. 

Life was empty. I was empty. I didn't know how I was going to pick up the pieces and carry on. A part of me didn't want to.  I didn't know how I was going to survive his loss.  I remember sitting on my dining room floor a few days after he died, sobbing. Hugging my arms to my sides in effort to hold myself together, rocking back and forth. Yelling at Brian, "I want him back!!". In that moment nothing less than my Aidan would do.

In the weeks and months and now years that have past I have spent a lot of time peering into the hole that his loss left in my life. I needed to do that. I needed to cry about it, rage about it, think about it, talk about it, and write about his loss from every angle.  I needed to hurt, hurt, hurt...until a time came where I could begin to let the hurt go.

I read this article recently and it has inspired me. I like how the author describes healing from grief.  That it takes hard work. It is fallacy that time heals all wounds. Time isn't the balm. Time is just space away from the event. Hard work and the decision to learn from, grow from and move past the pain is what heals. Hard work takes time and since mental, physical and emotional wellness is something worth having, it does not come overnight.

I feel to a large extent I have done this work and healed from Aidan's death. I don't know if I will ever be 'finished' healing per say, as there may come situations in the future that will bring the pain of losing Aidan back to the surface (such as my upcoming return to work in the NICU. *Gulp!*). But, by and large, I feel I have learned and grown a lot in the last two years.  I'd like to share what I have learned in a small series of posts, the first of which I'm working on now.

I don't share my insight smugly, "look at me, I'm so great, I've healed!"  We all have our own journey to navigate back from the darkest of dark places and it's not my intent to compare, to shame or hurt any reader who feels they haven't come close to arriving at a place that resembles acceptance. Acceptance might not even be something you WANT to get to, and who am I to argue with that? I share on here with the understanding that some people's grief journeys are longer, with more twists and turns, more roadblocks or dead ends, but sometimes it helps to see what has guided others along the way. It's also important to note that we all start out along this path with different strengths and weaknesses that can help or hinder us in times of great sorrow.  I would love to hear your responses, and the things you have learned...because maybe there are things I have missed.

I feel incredibly blessed to say that two years later, life now looks like this. 

Some of you may recognize it.  It's Crater Lake in Oregon.  Made by a volcano erupting. Lava spewing. Ash and dust settling over the land for miles around. When this volcano erupted, it looked like the first picture above. Now with time, the energy of the sun, the power of the wind and the rain there are flowers. There are trees. Birds are singing. Bees are buzzing. This is a place worth living.

What can't be denied is that there is still a hole.

It's just now called a lake.

What's amazing, considering its beginning, is that this hole no longer detracts.  Rather it adds to the beauty of what surrounds it. The landscape is enhanced, made better, more abundant and full because of the hole, not in spite of it.

Aidan and the impact he left on my life I consider my very own crater.  No question, I would trade all I have learned to have him back, filling the Aidan shaped hole in my life that his absence leaves behind.  But that is not possible. So I choose to find beauty and goodness in what his life and death taught me. His short presence, and subsequent absence have forced me to dig deeper, expand my horizons, examine my beliefs, question what is possible and love more completely. Right after he died, I felt I had nothing. All I could see was the hole. But two years later, while he still has irrevocably altered the landscape of my life, I have come to appreciate how more MORE he has added to it, even in death.

It has taken two years and a lot of hard work but my life and its landscape has gone from hole....to whole.

Where are you? Hole? Or Whole?

The Knife

Sometimes it's when you're having the best time that life sneaks up behind you and sticks a knife in your back.

Saturday we took Kaia to the zoo for the first time.  I love the zoo.  When Aidan died it was one of the many things I feared I would never get to show a child of my own.  Although Kaia's too little to fully appreciate it, I made sure to bring my camera so that her zoo trip will be well represented in her book of 'firsts'.

But it wasn't all smiles and giggles.

We went with our friends, male J., female J. and their 22 month old daughter C.  Female J. told me back at the beginning of March that she was pregnant with her second child.  Two weeks ago however, in the middle of Kaia's bath when we were elbow deep in bubbles and bath toys, Brian's cell phone rang.  It was male J. calling to tell us that their 12 week ultrasound showed no growth beyond 8 weeks. Baby was gone. Had been for awhile. D&C was scheduled for a week ago Friday.

Hearing their news dredged up old hurtful memories for Brian and I. Remembering that sinking sick feeling when the ultrasound room gets a bit too quiet. The shock of biology gone awry. The awkwardness during calls to friends and family to share the bad news. Shelving hopes and dreams far in the back of the mental closet. The discomfort of never really knowing what happened, or how to prevent it from happening again.

A week out, J. & J. are doing okay.  They say they are at peace with what happened. But, I can only imagine that next time, this experience won't be far from their thoughts.

Then Saturday night during my last pump of the day, I was reading through my blogs like I always do, while also tooling around on Amazon in search of the perfect baby shower gift for my cousin. The shower was the following day as my cousin was in town. She and her husband live in the States so it was deemed easier for everyone to celebrate here, but send gifts in the mail via Amazon. Thus avoiding her having to shlep through airports with a million baby gifts in tow. I left buying her gift to the last minute and therefore I had to choose between the inevitable 'less cute' baby items on the list.

In the midst of this I clicked over to my blog and saw a new post from Becky.  Oh that's right, I thought, Becky's C-section was scheduled for today.  How nice, her 'rainbow' baby must be here!

Then I read her post.  And re-read it.  And read it again.

Her daughter had been born almost a week ago. 

She died two days later.

 

I'm pretty sure I didn't breathe for a full minute...all the air seemed to have left the room.

Oh no. Ohnoohnoohnoohno...no that can't be right. It just can't. Her account must have been hacked. Someone must be playing a sick joke. Becky's son died last year. This was her much hoped for, much wanted, much needed rainbow baby. This baby is suppose to be alive and healthy and learning how to eat and poop and delighting everyone with her grip strength and adorable baby coos. She is NOT suppose to be dead. Definitely not.

I was so ANGRY. I wanted to launch my computer across the room. Kick something. Scream at the fucking UNFAIRNESS of it all. Everyone knows that any baby born after the dead one is suppose to be given an automatic pass. Nothing bad is suppose to touch them. Nothing terrible is allowed to happen. Dead baby moms who go on to have a subsequent pregnancy are understandably nervous wrecks through out the whole thing...but in the end everything is suppose to be fine. The new baby is suppose to arrive big and healthy and full term, wondering what all the fuss was about. If the new baby could roll it's eyes and sigh like a teenager it would, "Jeez mom, relax, I'm fine!". Big kisses and hugs and happy tears all around.  Roll credits.

One dead baby in a lifetime is more than enough.

It immediately brought me back to last year on March 24th when I was convinced my rainbow baby would die. In those weeks after my water broke I was in turns numb, heartbroken, enraged, despondent and so, so bitter. That termination was once again being offered as a suitable way to end my pregnancy made me want to kick the doctor in the teeth. I didn't know what to do. I spent a lot of time spacing out, staring at the wall. That is, when I wasn't crying the ugly cry. The pain was overwhelming. All the dignity, grace and even acceptance I had fought for in the 11 months since Aidan died was immediately ripped away. It ran out of me in one big gush along with my amniotic fluid.  I was SO ANGRY, so hurt, and yet so empty.  How could this happen AGAIN?  It felt like the universe was conspiring against us.

In those weeks after my water broke, I feel I got a small glimpse into what a second loss would look like. I learned that baby loss after baby loss is not grief added together, the way 1 + 1 = 2.  No, a second loss is grief squared. The depth of loss is compounded in a way that is almost too much to bear. A dizzying fall down a cold, dark pit that has no bottom. There are some things that you just can't come back from. That Kaia beat the odds and my second pregnancy eventually ended well is the biggest and best gift we have ever, or will ever receive. We never ever forget how lucky we are.

So it was in this head space that I had to get up and head to my cousin's baby shower the next day.  I've had enough practice by now that I felt I did okay keeping the lid on my dead baby crazies.  They were still there though, under the surface, which if anyone had looked close enough I'm sure they could see.  Baby showers are still not my thing. They are rendered bearable due to having Kaia and the cake that is inevitably served, but they still give me the willies. Not because I'm envious anymore. Not because I don't believe the baby deserves to be welcomed with style, because of course he or she does. Not even because I think the shower will 'jinx' the impending arrival. Babies arrive healthy, without incident every single day all around the world. 

But some don't.  

That fact alone is enough to spoil the festivities for me. Every family deserves that happy ending, and it makes me so sad that not everyone gets it.  Someone has to be on the losing end of statistics and sometimes it's you. Baby showers are just too shiny, happy, hopeful for me after reading about so many of us for whom the baby shower was one of the last happy occasions. Having seen behind the curtain, I just can't un-see it anymore.

Because for any baby to not come home is tragic.  But a rainbow baby?

There are just no words.

Working It Out

Okay this is still not my deep, thought provoking blog post, which is still on the back burner.  It needs more time to simmer and coalesce into something better than it is right now.  Unfortunately I have other pressing issues that are distressing enough to need blogging about.

Remember that awesome job I got the summer after Aidan died?  It was at the same hospital where I worked in the NICU, but the position was on a different unit. The new job compared to the NICU was WAY less stressful, WAY better hours, and allowed me to get out from under the dead baby cloud that constantly hovers over the NICU. There was NO way I was up for dealing with babies so soon after Aidan died, so getting this particular job was one of the biggest bonuses of my life.  However...it was a contract job...and it looks like the contract is up.  I haven't spoken directly to my manager yet to confirm anything, but the nurse who was hired for the other position under the same contract let me know yesterday that she was told the contract was up at the end of the summer.  Right around the time I planned to go back to work.  What this means is that I'll likely be offered my old job back in the NICU, since I was technically 'on loan' to the contract position.

It's a completely bummer.

I learned of this yesterday just as I was on my way out the door with Kaia to walk over to the bookstore.  My coworker texted me right after she found out. After reading it, I barely remember the walk to the bookstore or back, so many thoughts were flying through my brain.  I mean I knew upfront the job might not last forever. That's kind of the risk you take accepting a contract (heck it's kind of a risk you take accepting ANY job), and I hadn't planned to work on that unit forever. It's a bit too slow in terms of learning opportunities and since I still consider myself a long ways from being an expert nurse, I knew one day I'd be itching for a challenge.  I was hoping however, that I could at least get through the first year of being a working mom with a toddler before any major changes had to be made.

First of all the hours of the contract job were great. I worked 2pm - 10pm Monday to Thursday. No overnights. No holidays. No weekends. Another huge bonus was that although I was only working 80% of full time, the hospital still offers benefits and a pension. This is important because Brian's work offers neither and I'm the one who carries the benefits for our family. With that schedule, I would have only needed childcare 4 afternoons a week (from noon-ish until 5pm when Brian gets home) and although I wouldn't be there for bedtime 4 nights a week, at least I would get to spend all morning with Kaia and we could do things like go to the park or shop or just play together.  I wouldn't have to miss a single day of at least one solid block of time with her.  Not to mention that I'd be off Fridays, every weekend and every holiday. It was honestly a great job, with great side benefits.

Compare that to the NICU where I have to work 12 hour shifts, including days, nights, weekends and holidays. Our shifts run 7am to 7pm which means leaving home at 5:45am/pm and returning sometime around 8:15-8:30am/pm (depending on whether it was a day or night shift). This pretty much rules out spending any time with Kaia on work days, unless of course I work only nights and don't sleep during the day (which I know is pretty common with some nurses who have small children...but totally not an option for me. I get sick/anxious/depressed when I don't get enough sleep). It also means finding someone who would be willing to look after Kaia starting at 6am since Brian also starts work at 7am. Having two parents rushing out the door before you've even woken up seems a little cruel for a toddler. Plus, don't even get me started on how much I don't want to work holidays and weekends.

One benefit to shift work is that you DO get more days off work per week.  For example, if I worked 80% of full time doing 12 hour shifts (which is equal to the four 8 hour days per week I have at the contract job), I would only be working 16 shifts in 36 days or about 2 to 3 shifts a week.  However, when you work nights it basically takes up two days for every night worked, since you have to sleep before and after. Plus you end up feeling like garbage a lot of the time when you switch from nights back to days. I know people do it, of course. Lots and lots of nurses have small children and find a way juggle it all.  Some even really like the ability to have days off during the regular work week.  This means they are available to help out at their child's school or go on field trips or schedule doctor or dental appointments without having to take time off.  It also means they need less days of child care, which can be good financially. I might just have to wait and see if those pros outweigh the cons in my case. If not, it might mean I need to search for another job.

This is one of the things they never cover during 'Career Day' at school. The focus is always on 'what you want to be when you grow up' in terms of a job...but no one ever stops and tells kids "you might want to consider what you want your life to be like OUTSIDE of a job when you grow up". Your kid dreams of being a paleontologist? Better hope they like roughing it and living in remote areas away from family and friends, because dig sites are notoriously far from the suburbs. An artist?  Creativity is great...hope it also translates into creative marketing strategies or you might need to sell a kidney to pay the bills. A police officer? It isn't all guns and bad guys, it's a lot of paper work, interpersonal dynamics and rotating shifts. You want to be the boss? That's great if you like long hours for no overtime and don't let having to deal with other people's problems ruin your mood everyday. For me, working in the NICU was my dream nursing job. However, I might have tried to angle myself more towards an 8 hour daytime nursing job if I had stopped to consider what I wanted my life to look like outside of my career. Clinic nursing, public health, management or visiting nurse are all regular 8 hour days. It's not that I MIND working nights.  I actually quite like them, but not when they interfere with seeing my kid and my husband.

I know I have to work when my maternity benefits end. It is not financially possible for me to stay home. I even WANT to work, at least part of the time. I generally like my job (when it's not too overwhelming), and I like that it requires my brain as well as my people skills. I like my coworkers, both in the NICU and the contract job. I like the kids and babies I get to see every day. Heck, I sometimes even like their parents. I like that my job contributes to making people healthier and thus happier. I like the camaraderie of the work place. And of course, I especially like the paycheck and the material advantages that come with having a higher income. We are planning to do a few small home renovations over the next year or so, and those won't be possible if I'm not working. 

But...Kaia will only be a child once. She will also possibly be my ONLY living child as I may never get to have another. How much of her childhood do I want to spend away from her, looking after other people's kids?  Will it benefit Kaia to have me home more, or will she thrive in a different setting?  How much are we willing to sacrifice financially in order to have an ordered, settled home life?  Right now, it works out nicely that I take care of meals, some of the chores, and Kaia during the day and Brian works full time. Will the wheels start to fall off the bus if we're both working and someone else looks after Kaia?  I didn't have a baby to sit around all day...but I do enjoy 'me' time.  Will there be any of that left over after work, Kaia, Brian, and chores? Shift work is physically demanding...will I be able to cope with the amount, quality and timing of the sleep I'm going to get? Kaia deserves to have a mom who can be engaging and present when she's not at work...and I don't want to feel like a zombie. With me working, Brian will have to be more flexible with his schedule. Is that going to cause friction and stress?  Who will we get to look after Kaia?  Can that person be counted on and trusted with our daughter, our most important treasure of all?

I'm anxious about what's going to happen over the next few months.  I'm happy I'm off until early August as I'll get to have a bit of the summer I didn't get last year (hello summer sunshine...haven't really seen you since 2010!), but now that 'back to work' is really starting to become a reality, it's more daunting than I had realized.  I want to do what's best for me career wise and financially, but I also want to continue to be a good mom and wife.

Millions of people make it work. Just going to have to trust that we will sort it out too. Eventually.

What is your home life vs. working life like?  Do you stay at home? Work? Work from home? Is it working?  How did you arrive at that solution?

Wins and Losses

I was working on a much more interesting, thoughtful, in depth post than this one. I was hoping to get it up in time for Aidan's Day, but my muse is off duty, and life got in the way, so I decided to write and post this instead.

I don't know if any of you out there are Survivor fans, but have you ever noticed that as soon as one of the castaways gets cocky, he or she gets voted out? The Survivor leaves the show all shocked and appalled that things didn't turn out the way they had intended. While I bet the show is edited to take advantage of this 'plot' twist, I'm sure there's also some truth to that series of events.

I've decided parenting is exactly like that.

Last week Kaia had finally decided that while she wasn't IN LOVE with her helmet, it wasn't the worst thing in the world, and she could live with it. We've got her wearing it 18 hours a day with a four hour off period in the morning and then a 2 hour off period before bed. Score # 1! Then last weekend, she slept for 11 hours straight TWO nights in a row! I was doing the happy dance thinking, "Holy smokes, I have the best kid in the world. My parenting skills must be da bomb!" Score # 2! Kaia has also taken to eating adult food with more gusto and less gagging and retching, no longer making a face that says"oh my GOD Mommy...are you seriously expecting that I swallow this?!" She's now fond of baby cereal, yogurt, mashed banana, mashed raspberries and black berries, baby mum-mums, and she even tried some spaghetti sauce the other night. This excites me because it hails the eventual end of pumping. Maybe I can even start to drop pumps to only 2 or 3 a day. Score # 3!

*Cue thunder and lightning*

Andddd....this week has sucked. Mostly on the sleep front. Kaia developed a *slight* (and I do mean SLIGHT) cold. I know it's not that bad because she's literally FINE during the day, happy and playful and full of energy as ever. I also have the same cold, and while I'm stuffy at night and had a bit of sore throat, it is in no way unbearable. I don't know whether it's this, the helmet, a growth spurt, gas from her new foods, or some crazy developmental stage, but it has caused Kaia to revert back to some of her earlier sleep behaviours that I had hoped were gone for good. Namely, waking up 20 minutes after falling asleep when first put to bed and crying, fussing and generally being crabby for well over two hours (or MORE!) until she finally falls asleep. I am okay with letting her fuss for awhile, but when it goes past 20 to 30 minutes and/or includes screaming, I'll admit this starts 'harshing my mellow'.

If that were the only sleep issue, I'd be frustrated, but we could work around it. However, she's also waking up WAY more often. Like NEWBORN often. Once this week she was up *SCREAMING* at 2am, 4am, 6am only to get up for good at 9:30am. The first time I heard her I jumped out of bed thinking something must be terribly wrong. She must be feverish, or her helmet must be causing her pain, or SOMETHING...but no, we tried Tylenol and leaving the helmet off and it doesn't make a difference. She's also always been a baby who goes right back to sleep after eating in the middle of the night. She was awake for over an hour at 4am one time this week, making it so that I had to lay on the couch listening to her on the baby monitor in order to ensure Brian didn't lose sleep for work. Afternoon naps have also left something to be desired. There have actually been a couple days this week where she hasn't really napped at all...virtually unheard of since last November.

Could food be throwing off her sleep? After a day or two of solids at both lunch and dinner time (literally two tablespoons a day instead of one), she became more gassy than usual, and fussy because of that. I think this is a hold over from her cast days and the majorly slowed digestion that caused, so I'm willing to bet this will pass...but when you can feel her tummy gurgling and she's crying and upset it's enough to make you want to swear off solids until she's 2. ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, I'll pump you some more breast milk. Sheesh! (A side note: I was totally right about delaying solids until the cast was off. Take that pediatricians!). I think we're going to cool it with multiple solids/multiple times per day and just stick to the cereal/breast milk once a day for awhile and see if that's causing the problem.

So, at the end of this week it feels like parenting fails all around.

As you can imagine, this week has been one of the tougher ones for us and for Kaia in awhile...and of course it had to be the week leading up to Aidan's 'dirthday'. I wanted his day to be special somehow, and I worried and fussed over what we should do. I felt I wasn't doing enough to plan or 'celebrate', because I was so freaking tired. I had a bit of a melt down Friday afternoon yelling at Brian that I was willing to quit the helmet and live with Kaia's oddly shaped head if it meant she'd SLEEP! (Because when in doubt, blaming the orthopaedic device seems like the safest bet). Then I cried a bit, felt better, and we got on with the weekend.

Aidan's day was actually pretty good (sleep woes, and the fact that it exists as a day to be remembered at all aside). Brian got up through the night with Kaia and let me sleep in (pure bliss). I made chocolate cupcakes on Friday night with blue butter cream frosting (picture on my last post). I was proud of myself and limited it to 9 cupcakes in total so we didn't go crazy with too many calories. I had originally wanted to do something nice as a family. Maybe go to a park where the cherry trees are blooming and take some photos, or go for a walk. I like being outside in natural surroundings as it seems the best place to be to remember Aidan. However the weather was uncooperative this year, grey and uncomfortably cool and windy. Not at all like the weather on the day he was actually born which was mild with some sun.

Instead we decided to take my parents up on their offer to babysit and Brian and I went to see the Disney nature film "Chimpanzee" (a sort of indoor compromise on my nature theme). I thought this was a fitting thing to do because it was a kid's movie, but with enough of an engaging story to make it worthwhile for adults. Definitely a movie I would have loved to take Aidan to, and Kaia will hopefully enjoy one day. Disney was also making a donation on behalf of every ticket sold the first week to the Jane Goodall Chimpanzee fund, so that was a nice bonus. Since we were at the mall seeing the movie, we also decided to do something I'd been thinking about for awhile. We went to a jeweller and asked them to inscribe both Aidan and Kaia's names on the inside of our wedding bands. It was only $40 for both rings, so I thought this was a pretty good deal and a nice physical representation to link our marriage to both our kids.

I'm happy with the way we spent Aidan's Day, and although this week with Kaia has been tough, Aidan 'dirthday' was a good reminder at how fortunate I am to have a living child to love on at all. Things are actually very good in my life and I'm so lucky to consider sleep woes the biggest drag on my mental fortitude right now. Plus this will pass. I'm sure in a few weeks, Kaia will grow and change things up on us again.

I wish I could say the same about Aidan.