Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mommy's Day

Feeling grateful this year.

Mother's Day 2010: Aidan had just died a few weeks before.  I was still bleeding out all that should be inside, nourishing him, keeping him healthy and safe. Instead I felt broken. Inside and out. I had failed him in the most basic way possible. 

It was a hard day.  

We had brunch at my mother's house to 'celebrate'.  We gave a framed photo of Aidan to my Mom as a present.  We didn't have energy to be creative. His photo was the most meaningful thing I had to share. She cried.  They weren't happy tears.  

It was a hard day.

Mother's Day 2011: Pregnant but with pPROM. Again. In hospital after 6 weeks of bed rest at home. Still not at 'viability'.  Coming up on the gestational age we lost Aidan.  Hope as low as the Mariana Trench.

It was a hard day.

Heard another patient in the hall saying her scheduled C-section had been pushed back to Tuesday.  "Guess this little one wasn't quite ready to make this my first Mother's Day!".  Jealous. Angry. Hurt.  If she's 2 days away from having her full term baby by C-section and she's not a mom...what does that make me?  Feel like a failure. Again.

It was a hard day.

Mother's Day 2012: Woke up to "waaaaa" and Brian saying Kaia was requesting my presence down in the kitchen.  Pancakes.  Eggs.  Toast.  "Happy Mother's Day". Gooey baby mush all over my floor.  Kaia's cranky from being up since 5 am.  Brian got up with her...after I was up with her at 1am.  Needs a nap already. I could use one too.

It was a great day.

My mom and me.  Out in the backyard.  Gardening.  Gabbing...between my Mom blowing her nose.  She has a cold.  I'm sure we'll all have it by week's end.  Got flowers planted this spring.  Last two years were write offs.  My backyard looks...happy. I am happy.

It was a great day.
Gave my mom and my mother-in-law framed photos of us as a family.

Minus one. 

Always minus one.

I am your mommy too Aidan.  I never forget it.  I never forget you.

Love you, now and always.

To all you mommies out there, whether your baby is near or as far as can be, or maybe only exists in your dreams...I wish you a happy, peaceful, hopeful day.


  1. Those hard years make the sweet years feel all the sweeter.
    So happy this year was a special one for you, despite all the pain you've endured to get here.
    Aiden is forever loved and remembered.

  2. I'm glad that today was such a happy mother's day and, as you say, minus one. I think of that a lot. That we are a family minus the number of babies we've lost. A few people said to me that this was my first Mother's Day and I didn't let on, but it upset me. I was pregnant with Jacob on Mother's Day 2 years, so that was my first Mother's Day. The people who said it were people who would have known that for sure. Oh well, it is what it is I suppose. So many people don't see us as mother's until we have a living baby in our arms. I consider us Mother's from the moment we are pregnant since we are taking care of that baby every second of every day. If the babies pass away, we are still taking care of their memory.

  3. I'm so glad you were able to have a happy mother's day. You deserve it after all the past two+ years have brought to you. The minus one is so heartbreakingly true.

  4. Happy Mothers Day one and minus one, either way, you are still a beautiful mom.