Monday, September 3, 2012

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

I have a much longer post that I'm working on about my return to work (which is actually going rather well), but I don't feel like being happy and positive tonight. 

Tonight I feel like being a bit sad.

My cousin (finally) had her baby.  16 days over due. (!!!!)

I know, right? 

Dead baby mom me was screaming "holy crap....get that child out now!  It's fully cooked!  You don't want anything to go WRONG AT THE LAST MINUTE!!!!"   It didn't.  (Whew).

It was a boy. 

Since their family lives on the other side of the continent and I likely won't see this little guy very often, I was slightly surprised to feel a twinge of envy mixed with sadness.  Perhaps I should come to expect this when hearing about the birth of a baby boy.  Especially one born so close to both Aidan and Kaia's due dates. (It's kind of odd that he was due two years plus a day after Aidan and he was actually born one year plus a day after Kaia's due date.)  Just like when my nephew was born back in February, I'm very grateful the baby is healthy, and happy for my cousin and her husband who have waited a lot time for this, but there is that lingering heartache about hearing of another healthy, full term first baby boy.  Someone other than me got that wonderful moment of giving birth for the first time and hearing a cry.   Happy for them.  Sad for me.

It's also coming at a time where I feel we really have to decide whether we are going to try for another baby or not.  Kaia is 14 months old now and more and more every day she is moving away from babyhood.  It makes me a bit sad to look back at her pictures and think "my goodness, how she's changed! She's not a baby anymore!" On the other hand...hallelujah!  She's a lot of fun at one! She often sleeps through the night. She's becoming much more communicative.  She eats by herself in her high chair and easily holds her own bottle or sippy cup.  She gives hugs now.  She has 7, and is working on 8 teeth.  She is *just* starting to cruise a bit along the furniture, although I think it will be awhile before she walks independently. I sense that both Brian and I feel more relaxed about Kaia. She is thriving.

So...where do we go from here?

Do we keep with the status quo?  Do we settle into being a one child family?  Do I start to focus on my career, free to return to school in a year or two to work on my Masters?  Wave good-bye to my baby making days for good?  This would be the safe, comfortable way to go.  It would be easier financially, physically and possibly emotionally.  I know it's what some of my family members and friends would like for us.  They don't see a reason to ever risk it again.  Twice was enough.

But it's hard to let it go.  Both Brian and I would like another child.  Not desperately the way we wanted (and needed) Kaia, but there is a definite desire there.  We love her so much.  We love watching her grow.  Love watching her develop into her own person.  We would love for her to have a sibling.  Kaia should have an older brother.  Someone to play with, to learn from and to rely on, but she doesn't.  Since we and she can't have Aidan, maybe we could create some one new.  Not a replacement, but an addition.  I see so many parents with two or more kids, and how they have such love and pride watching their children interact.  I want that too.  I want that for us.  I want that for Kaia.

There is also a definite desire on my part to have the happy pregnancy and birth experience.  I keep wondering if 'next time' could be wonderful.  What if I don't risk it?  What if I never find out?  Would I regret it?  Could I deal with it if it's not?  Could I go through everything again only to have another terrible outcome?  At the end could I say it was 'worth it'?  I don't know.  The entire pregnancy process alone seems daunting. From the 'trying" (is our timing right?) to the 'finding out' (is that a line?) to the blood work (doubling betas?) and ultrasounds(does that placenta look okay??!!!) and doctors visits (hours and hours in the waiting room) and worry, worry and more WORRY.

It's a confusing muddle.  I wish the answer would just come to me.  I wish the outcome was already known.  

I would do it all again in a second to have another outcome like Kaia...but not for another one like Aidan.

Maybe that's my answer.


  1. I don't know the answer. I didn't have as many hurdles or obstacles as you, but it was still so terrifying to go through it all again, with no guarantees of a happy ending. I'm so glad I took that chance though. You have to figure out what feels right for you and Brian. Best of luck working through this. There is easy answer, no right or wrong way.

  2. I wish the outcome was already known. I wish, I wish, I wish it was so easy to know what the right thing to do is. To not have to fear and worry about the pregnancy and then wonder at the end if there will be a baby to even bring home. If only it was an easy decision. I wish I had an answer for you.

  3. I wish all of us had answers. I can't fathom a third pregnancy and I don't have a history nearly as scary as yours. It's just so scary to step into a third pregnancy knowing how much can go wrong and how badly that hurts. Like Hope's Mama said, there is no right or wrong way. You and Brian have to decide what is best for you. I'm struggling with this too.