The Clomid Experience and PVCs

So yeah, not pregnant.  Not even a little bit.  Crickets chirping over hear.

Back in June, after two months in a row of my Clear Blue Easy Ovulation monitor reading "High" fertility for many days, but never registering an 'ovulation' day, I decided that I must be more fucked up in the reproductive department than I realized.  I figured if we were truly trying to make a go of conceiving Third baby, I better get my ass to the doctor stat to figure out plan B (but not ya'know the medication of the same name, as that would be counterproductive).

My doctor immediately upon hearing of my ovulation woes, decided to give me a script for three rounds of 50mg of clomid, the 'go to' medication for ovulation, stating if that didn't work she'd up it to 100mg.  Instructions: Take on days 5 to 9 of your cycle, watch out for mood swings, hot flashes and sore boobs. Come back if you're pregnant.  See ya, good luck!

Later the same week after taking the Clomid for the first time, I had my cardiology appointment, which completely scared the shit out of me, and made me question whether or not having another kid was such a good idea.  I mean, if supposedly my heart is going to need a new valve in < 10 years, is it really smart to stress it out with yet another (possibly screwed up, but hopefully not!!!) pregnancy?  Plus what if another baby compromises my health even more than a new valve could fix?  I desperately wish for a sibling for Kaia, but not at the expense of her not having a mom.  I figure moms are kind of important too.  

But, I really want another baby...I really really do...

So with all this muddling around in my brain, the time of ovulation arrived...and I started to have PVCs. PVCs for you laymen out there are basically when your heart skips a beat, or seems to pause for slightly longer than normal, and then seems to 'thunk' or contract harder than usual, and then continues beating as normal.  Sort of like a heart 'hiccup'.  They generally aren't dangerous, and happen to lots of people with normal averages hearts, but they are a bit unnerving.   I've mentioned these occurrences to my cardiologists before, and these skipped beats have been picked up on my 24 hour ECGs (Holter monitor), and nary a fuss has been made about them, so I've never really concerned myself too much.  But during this Clomid cycle, all of a sudden they started happening multiple times per MINUTE.  I go from noticing one every once in awhile (hours often days apart) to literally being able to sit there and count them....1........2......3.....4.....

It probably didn't help that I had a cold at the time, so I was ill on top of being hormonal, but HOLY SHIT it was scary as I lay there in bed feeling:
beat...beat...beat........THUNK....beat....beat...beat...beat.......THUNK.....  I hauled out my stethoscope and had Brian take a listen.  Even he thought my heart sounded weird.
  
The Google research I did supported my supposition that it was the Clomid causing the PVCs as others with normal hearts report having them, plus the PVCs stopped after the ovulation period was over, when I assume the meds quit working.  The entire experience scared me enough though that I haven't taken the Clomid again.

So we are back to the rock and the hard place....if I'm not ovulating regularly or strongly on my own then pregnancy is unlikely to happen without further assistance, AND I can't take Clomid, which is the only fertility medication my family doctor feels qualified to prescribe me, BUT Brian isn't too keen about returning to the reproductive endocrinologist, AND I'm freaked out enough about getting pregnant again due to my own health issues, PLUS it seems stupid and foolhardy to pay $$$$ to get pregnant with possibly (but hopefully not!!!!) disastrous consequences....

HOWEVER we really, really want another baby.....and I feel guilty that I'm unable to provide Third baby for my family.  I worry Kaia will be the only (living) grandchild on my side of the family as my brother and his girlfriend seem in no hurry to reproduce.  My parents love Kaia so much, I wish they had lots more grand kids to spoil.  I worry that Kaia will never have a sibling and this will somehow damage her for life.  My brother was the best present my parents ever gave me and I can't imagine my life without him.  I feel badly that if Brian had married someone else, he might have that 2+ kids he would like.  I'm just sad.  So tired of this being an issue. So tired of feeling like my body is failing.

I feel as though our hopes for Third baby are circling the drain.

I'm so tired of caring about this.  I wish I didn't care.

But I do.  

So much.

***

It's not helping that tomorrow, August 15th, is Aidan's third anniversary due date.  A day that means both nothing and everything.

He would/should/could have been 3.

I wish you love, my son, on this, your 3rd non-birthday.  Today and every day.

Right Where I Am: 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day

Once, I read an article describing the experiences of people who have regained the ability to see after a lifetime of blindness.  After relating to the world without sight, depending on all of their other senses to guide them, these people found it hard to assimilate the visual sensory input.  For example, seeing an apple.  You and I would immediately know what it is, just by looking at it.  Those who were blind, would not know what the object was, until they picked it up, felt its roundness, smooth skin, smelt it's apple-y smell, or tasted it's juicy flesh.  They had no idea what an apple should look like.  They had no visual reference for anything.  It was only over time that they were able to begin to make sense of the visual world.

Over 3 years out now from Aidan's death and I feel as though I have the opposite of this problem.  I can no longer picture what my life would look like with a living Aidan in it.  Immediately after he died, I had a running timeline of what I 'should' be doing and I could 'see' it all so clearly.  

June 2010: "I should be 34 weeks pregnant, not lifting and carrying heavy boxes helping my friends move".  I could imagine my big belly, almost feel his kicks.

August 2010: "I should have a newborn to take care of, off on maternity leave, not returning to work at a new job".  It felt like a daily surprise that the room that was to be his was empty.  How could he not be here? 

December 2010: "I should have a baby to take to this family Christmas party, instead my arms are empty".  Watching my relatives coo and awe over my cousin's baby who was born in July 2010, I felt angry when the first present of the night was handed out to her, the 'youngest'.  That gift, that title, should have been Aidan's.  

April 2011: "It's a year since he was born...if he had lived I would be planning a 1st birthday party".  But instead I was on bed rest again, agonizing over the fate of baby number 2...and wait a minute, he should have been born in August and would really only be 8 months old...and I likely wouldn't be pregnant again, and thus not concerned about baby number two...

Then Kaia arrived, and the timeline of the way life 'should' have been was permanently altered, because likely she wouldn't be if he was...and how could I see anything else but her? The farther out I am from his death, the harder time I have imaging what life with him should look like. Over time I have slowly gone 'blind' to those should haves.  I've lost reference to what my life with him would have been.  Most days my life is filled with who and what is...not who or what is not.

Yet as I lay in bed at night, quiet, in the dark, I so often think before I drift off to sleep: "I miss you Aidan.  I wish you were here".

He truly never goes away.