When I was 12 years old I use to check out books about pregnancy from the library, just because I found the subject fascinating. I'd hit puberty and I found it amazing to think that my body was developing into something that could grow another human. It seemed almost unreal.
My best subject in University was embryology. An entire course on the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. It was detailed, with intricate drawings and charts. We started off with the sperm and the egg, and by the end of the course we were into embryonic hearts, brains, intestinal tracts and thyroids. All of that is formed by the time you head for your 12 week ultrasound. I got a 96% in the course.
When I dreamed of going to medical school I wanted to go into Neonatology, and when that didn't happen I headed to nursing school with only one desire: to work in the NICU. The care those fragile newborns needed was fascinating and so high tech and complex for such small patients. I wanted my career to revolve around babies. There was nowhere else I even considered working.
***
It seems almost farcical that someone like me who has loved the idea of pregnancy and babies since before I can even remember, now finds the whole subject kind of depressing and sad. I own my pregnancies, and I'm not ashamed of them, and it doesn't bother me to talk about them, or about Aidan...but they weren't happy times. They weren't joyful or amazing or full of excitement. I remember them as some of the most stressful, saddest and depressing times of my life. It continues to amaze me that the wonderful being that is Kaia even came from those disastrous circumstances. I look at her and marvel sometimes that she's just so normal, so herself. She has none of the taint that was her pregnancy. She is goodness and happiness and light. That Acorn, the baby I worried for and cried so much for is actually the same person who toddles around our house, exasperating us by throwing her food on the floor, whines to be picked up to look out the window, and (on a good day!) falls asleep in my arms at nap time...seems almost unreal. She's so alive...how could I ever have worried otherwise?
But I did Oh I did.
One of the hardest parts about being back at work, is the constant surroundings of co-workers who are pregnant. On my unit I work with 150+ women, most of child bearing age. At any one time a dozen or more are off, going off, or coming back from maternity leave. I can't go a day without bumping into a baby bump or hearing about so and so's ultrasound or baby shower, or other equally normal, happy pregnancy details. I have very little to share and feel very "other" when these conversations come up. Nobody else can relate to pPROM before viability. Nobody knows what never ending weeks of bed rest is like. Nobody gets what it's like to hold your dead child in your arms and live in fear for the life of the next. In truth, I have way more in common with my patient's parents than I do with my co-workers. I wish I had happy stories to share, but my happy story starts months after the second pregnancy ended, when the baby finally came home, relatively unscathed.
So maybe it's no wonder that today when we found out at my nephew's 1st birthday party that my sister-in-law is 16 weeks pregnant with her second, I had to force myself to smile. Truly, I'm glad for them, I'm happy they are happy and I'm excited to meet my future niece or nephew...but it just brings up so much sadness for me. Brian and I talked about it on the way home, and we both feel it. That kick to the gut that is the happy announcement. The healthy pregnancy. The anticipated delivery. The plans for a living, breathing child. We never had any of that. WILL never have any of it, because when your first dies and you have a shit track record in the pregnancy department, well you just don't DO happy and excited anymore. You do "cautious" and "anxious". At your happiest you might do "pleased". And at your worst? You might be left with "Not unexpected".
"Things We Lost in the Fire" was the title of a movie released a couple years back, but I feel it could perfectly describe my feelings towards pregnancy now. Sure it can produce wonderful, fantastic results (of which Kaia is but one example)...but it will never hold the same joy for me again. Pregnancy lost all it's magic, all it's innocence and joy. It's a source of jealousy and depression and anxiety and sadness. It didn't work right for us. It wasn't easy or carefree. My son died and my daughter just barely escaped.
Pregnancy, while a source of wonder and excitement for others, tastes like ash in my mouth.
How do you experience pregnancy now, both your own or others? Does it still hold any joy or wonder?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Toddler Girl
Kaia you are 18 months old today! As of tomorrow you are closer to age 2 than you are to age 1, which feels monumental somehow.
At 18 months old (16 months corrected...I still like adding that in because it makes you seem younger and still more like my baby), you are getting a pretty definite personality.
Things you love:
-books. Today you didn't want to let go of "Goodnight Moon", even during breakfast. Unfortunately you were eating another favourite: blackberries. You proceeded to get blackberry bits all over the edges of the book. So you now have a blackberry stained copy of Goodnight Moon. Whoops.
-walking with your "push". You still can't walk on your own yet, but
can motor really well with your push toy. You steer it around the
furniture and if the edge gets caught on something you ram the handle
over and over and over until you can maneuver your push around the
obstacle and continue on your way. It makes me a little nervous for
when you get your license.
- phones! You love our cell phones. Like seriously LOVE them. I think you'd marry one right now if you could. You even know that Daddy keeps his in his pants pocket and have 'Artful Dodger-ed' it on occasion. You love the lights and the noise and pushing the buttons. I know you aren't unique in this regard as it seems to be a common love among the toddler set (to the point where some parents buy their kids their own devices...no you can't have one). Still...it's cute to watch you get all excited when the phone comes out. If I have to check a message when you are around I have to do it out of your line of sight or you'll come crawling over to see what I'm looking at.
- the cat. Every morning when I open your door you are standing in your bed and, after smiling at me, proceed to look out the door for our cat Lynx. You've learned from your babysitter how to 'call' animals by making 'kissy' noises while making a 'snapping' motion with your fingers. It's so cute, even if Lynx never responds.
-your stuffed animals. Kaia, so far, you aren't a doll person. You got two dolls for Christmas and have little use for either of them. You do however, LOVE your stuffed animals. You will feed them with a toy baby bottle, and like to cuddle them one second, then throw them in the air the next. You LOVE it when Daddy or I make them talk, walk, or hop. You think it's the funniest thing ever and will get your crazy laugh going.
-back rubs, face rubs, ear rubs, head rubs. I have no photos of this since usually my hands are occupied doing the rubbing before bed, but you love having your head rubbed, your eyebrows and bridge of your nose massaged, your ear lobes tickled, or your back patted while you lay on your stomach in bed. I know when you're ready to let me soothe you this way at nap or at night that you are tired and ready for sleep.
-baths. I also don't have photos of this (well I do, but I'm not posting naked baby photos on the internet). You love splashing in the bath, playing with your bath toys, and getting a swing in the towel on your way back to your room when bath is over. Nothing is cuter than a freshly washed baby....sorry...toddler.
Of course, when you begin to be old to enough to love certain things, you also become old enough to HATE certain things. And you aren't afraid to let people know it.
Things you hate:
-When we try to 'help' you walk on your own by attempting to have you let go of our finger. When this happens you immediately bend and put your hands on the floor. You just aren't ready to take steps unassisted. You're barely holding on to us when walking, to the point it sometimes feels like you're carrying our finger, but you still occasionally need that balancing aid. I'm betting it's partly your weaker left hip slowing you down, but it's also mental at this point. You DO NOT like falling and will CRY something awful at even the smallest bump, so you've just decided you will walk only when you are good and balanced and ready and unlikely to fall. I know it won't be, but sometimes it feels like it could be eons at this rate.
-Closed baby gates. You HATE when the baby gate is closed that stops you from falling down the stairs (sorry...I know, I should just let you play at the top of the stairs. It really is the only truly fun square footage in the whole house).
-Having ANYTHING taken away (especially a phone!!) or being made to go when you want to sit, or sit when you want to go. I can tell this by the whining...and the crying...and the screaming. I think I jinxed it in a past post when I bragged how you were such a good baby and had never thrown a tantrum in public. HAHAHAHAHA. Rookie mistake. Toddler Kaia is a whole new ball game. Christmas shopping with you this year wasn't candy canes and gum drops, let me tell you. Even when I tried to bribe you with said delicious treats. I'm sure in retrospect I'll look back on this behaviour and fondly sigh "oh where does the time go"...wait, no I won't. EVER.
Kaia, despite your sometimes challenging ways, I love you so much and am SO happy to be your Mommy.
You were worth itbaby toddler girl.
At 18 months old (16 months corrected...I still like adding that in because it makes you seem younger and still more like my baby), you are getting a pretty definite personality.
Things you love:
-books. Today you didn't want to let go of "Goodnight Moon", even during breakfast. Unfortunately you were eating another favourite: blackberries. You proceeded to get blackberry bits all over the edges of the book. So you now have a blackberry stained copy of Goodnight Moon. Whoops.
- phones! You love our cell phones. Like seriously LOVE them. I think you'd marry one right now if you could. You even know that Daddy keeps his in his pants pocket and have 'Artful Dodger-ed' it on occasion. You love the lights and the noise and pushing the buttons. I know you aren't unique in this regard as it seems to be a common love among the toddler set (to the point where some parents buy their kids their own devices...no you can't have one). Still...it's cute to watch you get all excited when the phone comes out. If I have to check a message when you are around I have to do it out of your line of sight or you'll come crawling over to see what I'm looking at.
 | ||
| Notice the blue glow on her face, and the fact that she is holding still enough for me to take the photo. |
 | |||
| This is a crummy picture, but getting the two of them in the frame at the same time is nearly impossible. |
 | |||
| This is Molly, given to you on your birthday from Grami and Poppi with Aidan in mind. They felt Aidan would like his little sister to have such a cute monkey. You couldn't agree more. Hannah Hoppy, who is in the picture of you reading a book above, is another favourite. |
-back rubs, face rubs, ear rubs, head rubs. I have no photos of this since usually my hands are occupied doing the rubbing before bed, but you love having your head rubbed, your eyebrows and bridge of your nose massaged, your ear lobes tickled, or your back patted while you lay on your stomach in bed. I know when you're ready to let me soothe you this way at nap or at night that you are tired and ready for sleep.
-baths. I also don't have photos of this (well I do, but I'm not posting naked baby photos on the internet). You love splashing in the bath, playing with your bath toys, and getting a swing in the towel on your way back to your room when bath is over. Nothing is cuter than a freshly washed baby....sorry...toddler.
 |
| Freshly washed toddler hair...so wispy. |
Of course, when you begin to be old to enough to love certain things, you also become old enough to HATE certain things. And you aren't afraid to let people know it.
Things you hate:
-When we try to 'help' you walk on your own by attempting to have you let go of our finger. When this happens you immediately bend and put your hands on the floor. You just aren't ready to take steps unassisted. You're barely holding on to us when walking, to the point it sometimes feels like you're carrying our finger, but you still occasionally need that balancing aid. I'm betting it's partly your weaker left hip slowing you down, but it's also mental at this point. You DO NOT like falling and will CRY something awful at even the smallest bump, so you've just decided you will walk only when you are good and balanced and ready and unlikely to fall. I know it won't be, but sometimes it feels like it could be eons at this rate.
-Closed baby gates. You HATE when the baby gate is closed that stops you from falling down the stairs (sorry...I know, I should just let you play at the top of the stairs. It really is the only truly fun square footage in the whole house).
-Having ANYTHING taken away (especially a phone!!) or being made to go when you want to sit, or sit when you want to go. I can tell this by the whining...and the crying...and the screaming. I think I jinxed it in a past post when I bragged how you were such a good baby and had never thrown a tantrum in public. HAHAHAHAHA. Rookie mistake. Toddler Kaia is a whole new ball game. Christmas shopping with you this year wasn't candy canes and gum drops, let me tell you. Even when I tried to bribe you with said delicious treats. I'm sure in retrospect I'll look back on this behaviour and fondly sigh "oh where does the time go"...wait, no I won't. EVER.
 |
| The camera has a SCREEN on it, with BUTTONS...and guess who KNOWS IT!!!! |
Kaia, despite your sometimes challenging ways, I love you so much and am SO happy to be your Mommy.
You were worth it
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Flip
Christmas is coming. I'm excited and looking forward to it. At least on the outside.
Inside, I've been feeling more conflicted, anxious and irritable lately. We are coming to the point in our lives where we have to decide whether or not to try for another child. I want to start my Masters in September 2014 (I can't do this night shift stuff forever!!) and we'd like to be done procreating the summer of 2014 at the latest. I've known since Kaia was born that we would have to make this decision at some point, but back then it was comfortably far in the future, no need to worry about it too much... Except the time is now and the reality of it is starting to hit me.
You know how it goes:
1) The 'trying' (fun for the first time or two, stressful after that). And if it does work...
2) The 'finding out' (No going back now... Should we do betas? What if they don't rise as expected? Do we do an early ultrasound? What if it doesn't show a heart-beat? Definitely want to be on progesterone...will my doc prescribe it? Cue the stressful watch for spotting EVERY TIME I go pee. Plus, if everything goes well there is still the nausea ad. nauseam to look forward to. Oh and don't forget that all day crushing tiredness. "Kaia, Mommy is not to be woken up prior to full daylight for at least the next 12 weeks. You're good with watching Backyardigans and Dora all day while I pretend to watch but really try to nap here beside you, right sweetie?!")
3) The second trimester. (Usually other couples are doing the happy dance at this point. 12 weeks! Way to go little fetus! Smooth sailing from now on! Time to get the grainy ultrasound photo up on facebook and start planning the registry! Except in our case this is historically when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Do we tell people we're pregnant at this point? It will likely begin to be pretty obvious, but then we'll also have to say "yes, but as per our previous pregnancies it's not a sure thing yet...we'll keep you posted". Also, this is when my stress levels will sky rocket since at this point I'll be afraid every.single.twinge. is disaster beginning to strike. "Kaia darling, Mommy would like to lie here quietly until we hit at least 24 weeks and would prefer to spend all our free time in the ultrasound suite scanning for abnormalities in your little sibling's placenta. That's cool with you right?" Fun times all around.)
4) After that? Who knows. Let's label it: the great unknown (???)
So while all this is stewing around in my brain, it didn't help that I had a few tough shifts at work lately. The worst was looking after a little baby the night before his family had to withdraw life support due to the absence of brain activity. This is sadly not a terribly uncommon thing in our NICU, but what made this particular baby's case so personally stressful for me, was that his mom was also very sick. She was on life support, with a very guarded prognosis. She had a pre-exisiting medical condition (like me) which led to complications and then her heart stopped when she was within spitting distance of a full term pregnancy. The baby would go on to die the next day leaving mom to either get better...or not. My heart broke to see the family members come in to get the news regarding the baby's prognosis. Because, what do you say to a family in a case like that? Sorry your whole life has just imploded. Sorry you got the exact opposite of what you expected. Sorry you are living my worst nightmare. Sorry...sorry...I'm just so...sorry. I settled for "I'll take good care of your baby tonight"...which I did, but it hurt my heart to do so.
I worry maybe even more that I ever did before about something happening to my own health, or to our possible future baby's health now that Kaia is around. Because right now, life is pretty good. Kaia is thriving. I could stand to lose a few pounds (after Christmas, I promise), but otherwise, I'm pretty good too. Our life feels good, with manageable amounts of stress. It's daunting to consider tinkering with that.
Then of course, in my personal life, friends of ours have become another cautionary tale. They just had their 3rd child. They have two school age daughters, but Mom really wanted another baby. So they had one....at 28 weeks. Her first two were preemies as well, but were both over 32 weeks. Their third wasn't so lucky. As far as we know, he's doing well in the hospital, but he'll be there awhile, and visiting their tiny son in his isolette was not exactly how they planned to spend the holidays. The kicker is his mom had a doctor's appointment only days prior to his birth in which she was told she had 'no signs of impending labour'. Good call OBs. Guess you forgot to look in your crystal ball that day. It makes any predictions that we are 'unlikely' to have a recurrence of any of our previous problems seem like a shot in the dark.
On the other hand, I hate to live my life ruled by fear of the 'what ifs'. Afraid by what I see at work, or with friends, or on the news. I don't want to be afraid to make my life what I want it because something might go wrong. All of that discounts the possibility that something may go very right. Might turn out wonderfully. Might be a healing and happy and normal experience. Despite the challenges we faced last time, my baby did come home. It is possible. I don't want to live with regrets.
I'm just not sure what I would regret more. Something awful happening, but knowing 'well, at least we tried', or the never knowing what could have been.
Maybe I'll have to flip a coin or something.
Inside, I've been feeling more conflicted, anxious and irritable lately. We are coming to the point in our lives where we have to decide whether or not to try for another child. I want to start my Masters in September 2014 (I can't do this night shift stuff forever!!) and we'd like to be done procreating the summer of 2014 at the latest. I've known since Kaia was born that we would have to make this decision at some point, but back then it was comfortably far in the future, no need to worry about it too much... Except the time is now and the reality of it is starting to hit me.
You know how it goes:
1) The 'trying' (fun for the first time or two, stressful after that). And if it does work...
2) The 'finding out' (No going back now... Should we do betas? What if they don't rise as expected? Do we do an early ultrasound? What if it doesn't show a heart-beat? Definitely want to be on progesterone...will my doc prescribe it? Cue the stressful watch for spotting EVERY TIME I go pee. Plus, if everything goes well there is still the nausea ad. nauseam to look forward to. Oh and don't forget that all day crushing tiredness. "Kaia, Mommy is not to be woken up prior to full daylight for at least the next 12 weeks. You're good with watching Backyardigans and Dora all day while I pretend to watch but really try to nap here beside you, right sweetie?!")
3) The second trimester. (Usually other couples are doing the happy dance at this point. 12 weeks! Way to go little fetus! Smooth sailing from now on! Time to get the grainy ultrasound photo up on facebook and start planning the registry! Except in our case this is historically when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Do we tell people we're pregnant at this point? It will likely begin to be pretty obvious, but then we'll also have to say "yes, but as per our previous pregnancies it's not a sure thing yet...we'll keep you posted". Also, this is when my stress levels will sky rocket since at this point I'll be afraid every.single.twinge. is disaster beginning to strike. "Kaia darling, Mommy would like to lie here quietly until we hit at least 24 weeks and would prefer to spend all our free time in the ultrasound suite scanning for abnormalities in your little sibling's placenta. That's cool with you right?" Fun times all around.)
4) After that? Who knows. Let's label it: the great unknown (???)
So while all this is stewing around in my brain, it didn't help that I had a few tough shifts at work lately. The worst was looking after a little baby the night before his family had to withdraw life support due to the absence of brain activity. This is sadly not a terribly uncommon thing in our NICU, but what made this particular baby's case so personally stressful for me, was that his mom was also very sick. She was on life support, with a very guarded prognosis. She had a pre-exisiting medical condition (like me) which led to complications and then her heart stopped when she was within spitting distance of a full term pregnancy. The baby would go on to die the next day leaving mom to either get better...or not. My heart broke to see the family members come in to get the news regarding the baby's prognosis. Because, what do you say to a family in a case like that? Sorry your whole life has just imploded. Sorry you got the exact opposite of what you expected. Sorry you are living my worst nightmare. Sorry...sorry...I'm just so...sorry. I settled for "I'll take good care of your baby tonight"...which I did, but it hurt my heart to do so.
I worry maybe even more that I ever did before about something happening to my own health, or to our possible future baby's health now that Kaia is around. Because right now, life is pretty good. Kaia is thriving. I could stand to lose a few pounds (after Christmas, I promise), but otherwise, I'm pretty good too. Our life feels good, with manageable amounts of stress. It's daunting to consider tinkering with that.
Then of course, in my personal life, friends of ours have become another cautionary tale. They just had their 3rd child. They have two school age daughters, but Mom really wanted another baby. So they had one....at 28 weeks. Her first two were preemies as well, but were both over 32 weeks. Their third wasn't so lucky. As far as we know, he's doing well in the hospital, but he'll be there awhile, and visiting their tiny son in his isolette was not exactly how they planned to spend the holidays. The kicker is his mom had a doctor's appointment only days prior to his birth in which she was told she had 'no signs of impending labour'. Good call OBs. Guess you forgot to look in your crystal ball that day. It makes any predictions that we are 'unlikely' to have a recurrence of any of our previous problems seem like a shot in the dark.
On the other hand, I hate to live my life ruled by fear of the 'what ifs'. Afraid by what I see at work, or with friends, or on the news. I don't want to be afraid to make my life what I want it because something might go wrong. All of that discounts the possibility that something may go very right. Might turn out wonderfully. Might be a healing and happy and normal experience. Despite the challenges we faced last time, my baby did come home. It is possible. I don't want to live with regrets.
I'm just not sure what I would regret more. Something awful happening, but knowing 'well, at least we tried', or the never knowing what could have been.
Maybe I'll have to flip a coin or something.
Monday, December 17, 2012
All That Was Lost
The first thing I thought of was the presents.
When I heard about what happened in Connecticut last Friday, I couldn't stop thinking of how, this Christmas, the gifts meant for those children would remain unopened. Gifts requested in letters to Santa in big exaggerated first grader print. Boxes already wrapped and hidden away in a closet or under a bed awaiting the big day and the big reveal. Moms and Dads and Grandparents secretly just as excited to give the gift as the child who was suppose to receive it. It was going to be magical, as only Christmas can be in the eyes of a child.
But not this year. Not for those families.
I thought about those gifts left behind in their hiding spots. Wrapped and taped and sealed away. Unopened boxes and unloved toys. Too much a reminder of what should have and could have been.
Just one small symbol of all that was lost.
When I heard about what happened in Connecticut last Friday, I couldn't stop thinking of how, this Christmas, the gifts meant for those children would remain unopened. Gifts requested in letters to Santa in big exaggerated first grader print. Boxes already wrapped and hidden away in a closet or under a bed awaiting the big day and the big reveal. Moms and Dads and Grandparents secretly just as excited to give the gift as the child who was suppose to receive it. It was going to be magical, as only Christmas can be in the eyes of a child.
But not this year. Not for those families.
I thought about those gifts left behind in their hiding spots. Wrapped and taped and sealed away. Unopened boxes and unloved toys. Too much a reminder of what should have and could have been.
Just one small symbol of all that was lost.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Genealoging
I'm working on a better, longer post right now but I thought I should update because I feel I've been away too long. Nothing terribly special is happening around here to take me away from my blog, however I have gotten back into my genealogy project, which is taking up (all) of my free time.
When I tell people I'm interested in genealogy, they probably think I'm a total nerd and love hanging out with the blue haired old folks in the archives section of the local library. While I have spent some time in those musty alcoves, more and more genealogical records are becoming digitized. This means that most (if not all) of my research is done online at this point and I'm able to search for records all over the globe. Another pay off is that it's made me a whiz at internet research, so I feel that kind of ups the coolness factor, if only just a smidgen.
My interest in genealogy started way back in grade 7. For my history class we had to do a family tree, which I immediately thought sounded kind of interesting. We had to include as much detail as we could, and everything had to be neat and easily legible. Then my teacher showed us an example of a student's work from the year prior and my heart sank. She had SO much detail. She could go SO many generations back. There were literally like 60+ people on her chart! And it was so pretty, and neat! Oh woe is me, how could I ever compete?
Although I didn't manage to get very far back on that first family tree attempt, I can now proudly say that my tree would blow miss Awesome Student's out of the water. I have over 8200 people connected to me. Many of these are not blood relatives (as I'm not from Utah!), but I have started tracking down family trees of people who married into the family just in order to have something to keep working on. The first question people ask when they find out I do genealogy as a hobby is "how far back can you go?". The farthest I've been able to connect back is through one line on my mom's side: 15 generations. This line initially started in England back in the late 1500s and came to the U.S. on the Winthrop Fleet in the 1630s. Even 150 years later, some of their descendants must have been pretty attached to their British roots, because they decided to high tail it to Canada when things started to heat up for the Loyalists around the time of the American Revolution. I should pause to state here that I have not done all of this research on my own. No, no, far from it. The trick in genealogy is to do as much as you can, and then connect up your relatives with someone else who has done further research. Kind of like if I work on half a puzzle and then you work on half a puzzle and then all of a sudden we realize we're working on one big picture and we can match it up along the seams where it all fits together. It's a great feeling when that happens!
An interesting part of genealogy is to see how major public historical events match up with your ancestors lives. For example, today is Remembrance Day in Canada, and I've been able to track down many of the war records from various family members who have served in many different wars. One of the recent lines I have been searching for is a great-great-great Grandfather b. abt 1834 in Ballymena, N. Ireland (near Belfast) and who served with the British Army in India. He married a woman of British ancestry while he was in India and they had 7 children together. I was so pleased when I came across their children's Baptism records on Family Search. Sadly, what I also came across was 4 out of their 7 children's death records. First child died age 6 months, fourth child died at age 2 years, sixth child died age 2 years and seventh child died age 1 month. It doesn't say what they died of, but I'm guessing it was likely due to communicable diseases, probably made worse by these children's innate lack of immunity due to their parents not having Indian ancestry, as well as to their youth, which puts them at much greater risk. My 3x-great grandfather's family could serve as a poster case for public health entitled "Reasons to Vaccinate". Some might say, oh, but that's INDIA, a tropical country....who knows what kind of diseases people might run into there?
Okay, well then I also found my 3x great-grand uncle who was living with his wife and 5 children in 1889, right here in Canada, only a short drive from where I now sit over 100 years later typing on my computer. Him and his wife were living a quiet life in a small town raising their 4 girls and one boy, ages 12, 10, 7, 5 and 2 1/2. Then diphtheria struck. Within three weeks, 4 of their children were dead. Two died on the same day.
There would just be no words for the horror. Not only for the parents, but for the sole remaining seven year old daughter. The house would have gone from people filled, noise, laughter and screeching children running around, dirty clothes and hands, lots of mouths to feed, children to organize, things to get done...
....to two adults and an only child. No more brothers and sisters to play with. No more sisters to look up to. Only one remaining daughter to get up for every day. No more sons to carry on the father's name and occupation. A family reduced by over half.
It's shocking how often this occurs when you really look on family trees. Yes there are the rare families where every single child survived to adulthood...but that gets rarer the farther back in time you go. Along time ago, men and women had to get married young (if possible) and have lots of kids (if possible), just in order to try to ensure some would make it to bury their parents.
For this reason it kind of irks me when I hear of people complain about vaccines. I mean, I know there are lots of people who are wary of them, or feel too many are given, or are given too early, or fear they can cause potentially worse problems (autism, I'm looking at you, although according to research I don't need to). These people have the right to their own opinion and I know lots of smart, well educated people who, for whatever personal reason, decide vaccination is not for them...but, really? Does my family evidence (and probably yours, and yours and yours) not speak for itself?
I say, BRING ON THE VACCINES!!!
What do you say? (And yes, I know I might be opening a can of worms...fortunately I LOVE worms!)
When I tell people I'm interested in genealogy, they probably think I'm a total nerd and love hanging out with the blue haired old folks in the archives section of the local library. While I have spent some time in those musty alcoves, more and more genealogical records are becoming digitized. This means that most (if not all) of my research is done online at this point and I'm able to search for records all over the globe. Another pay off is that it's made me a whiz at internet research, so I feel that kind of ups the coolness factor, if only just a smidgen.
My interest in genealogy started way back in grade 7. For my history class we had to do a family tree, which I immediately thought sounded kind of interesting. We had to include as much detail as we could, and everything had to be neat and easily legible. Then my teacher showed us an example of a student's work from the year prior and my heart sank. She had SO much detail. She could go SO many generations back. There were literally like 60+ people on her chart! And it was so pretty, and neat! Oh woe is me, how could I ever compete?
Although I didn't manage to get very far back on that first family tree attempt, I can now proudly say that my tree would blow miss Awesome Student's out of the water. I have over 8200 people connected to me. Many of these are not blood relatives (as I'm not from Utah!), but I have started tracking down family trees of people who married into the family just in order to have something to keep working on. The first question people ask when they find out I do genealogy as a hobby is "how far back can you go?". The farthest I've been able to connect back is through one line on my mom's side: 15 generations. This line initially started in England back in the late 1500s and came to the U.S. on the Winthrop Fleet in the 1630s. Even 150 years later, some of their descendants must have been pretty attached to their British roots, because they decided to high tail it to Canada when things started to heat up for the Loyalists around the time of the American Revolution. I should pause to state here that I have not done all of this research on my own. No, no, far from it. The trick in genealogy is to do as much as you can, and then connect up your relatives with someone else who has done further research. Kind of like if I work on half a puzzle and then you work on half a puzzle and then all of a sudden we realize we're working on one big picture and we can match it up along the seams where it all fits together. It's a great feeling when that happens!
An interesting part of genealogy is to see how major public historical events match up with your ancestors lives. For example, today is Remembrance Day in Canada, and I've been able to track down many of the war records from various family members who have served in many different wars. One of the recent lines I have been searching for is a great-great-great Grandfather b. abt 1834 in Ballymena, N. Ireland (near Belfast) and who served with the British Army in India. He married a woman of British ancestry while he was in India and they had 7 children together. I was so pleased when I came across their children's Baptism records on Family Search. Sadly, what I also came across was 4 out of their 7 children's death records. First child died age 6 months, fourth child died at age 2 years, sixth child died age 2 years and seventh child died age 1 month. It doesn't say what they died of, but I'm guessing it was likely due to communicable diseases, probably made worse by these children's innate lack of immunity due to their parents not having Indian ancestry, as well as to their youth, which puts them at much greater risk. My 3x-great grandfather's family could serve as a poster case for public health entitled "Reasons to Vaccinate". Some might say, oh, but that's INDIA, a tropical country....who knows what kind of diseases people might run into there?
Okay, well then I also found my 3x great-grand uncle who was living with his wife and 5 children in 1889, right here in Canada, only a short drive from where I now sit over 100 years later typing on my computer. Him and his wife were living a quiet life in a small town raising their 4 girls and one boy, ages 12, 10, 7, 5 and 2 1/2. Then diphtheria struck. Within three weeks, 4 of their children were dead. Two died on the same day.
There would just be no words for the horror. Not only for the parents, but for the sole remaining seven year old daughter. The house would have gone from people filled, noise, laughter and screeching children running around, dirty clothes and hands, lots of mouths to feed, children to organize, things to get done...
....to two adults and an only child. No more brothers and sisters to play with. No more sisters to look up to. Only one remaining daughter to get up for every day. No more sons to carry on the father's name and occupation. A family reduced by over half.
It's shocking how often this occurs when you really look on family trees. Yes there are the rare families where every single child survived to adulthood...but that gets rarer the farther back in time you go. Along time ago, men and women had to get married young (if possible) and have lots of kids (if possible), just in order to try to ensure some would make it to bury their parents.
For this reason it kind of irks me when I hear of people complain about vaccines. I mean, I know there are lots of people who are wary of them, or feel too many are given, or are given too early, or fear they can cause potentially worse problems (autism, I'm looking at you, although according to research I don't need to). These people have the right to their own opinion and I know lots of smart, well educated people who, for whatever personal reason, decide vaccination is not for them...but, really? Does my family evidence (and probably yours, and yours and yours) not speak for itself?
I say, BRING ON THE VACCINES!!!
What do you say? (And yes, I know I might be opening a can of worms...fortunately I LOVE worms!)
Friday, October 19, 2012
Dreams, Wishes and Unicorns
Last weekend I had a pregnancy dream where I was further along than I ever was with either of my babies. In my dream I could feel the baby giving me some good hard kicks. This was interesting, since when pregnant with both Aidan and Kaia I never really felt anything that could be described as a 'kick'. Rolls, taps, pushes and nudges for sure, but nothing that would be painful or hard enough to make me stop what I was doing (if I had been doing anything at all, as let's face it, I was on bed rest). Funny that I could experience in my dream what I've felt in real life. Even dream me was thinking "this is so cool!"
Perhaps I ate too much at my birthday dinner the night before, no?
***
I'm reading a good book. It's fictional but it has some really moving passages. One of the characters says this about dreams which I thought was very appropriate given the above.
"A dream is the place where a wish and a fear meet. When the wish and the fear are exactly the same, we call the dream a nightmare."
***
I troll the internet every few months using the search word "Breus mole". I feel a bit like someone routinely checking up on the convicted murderer who killed their family member. Just checking in on you Breus Mole. Just want to make sure some researcher somewhere is still keeping tabs. Finding out exactly what makes you tick. Don't think you can get away with it forever...
It was during one of these searches that I came across an abstract for a presentation by a doctor from the hospital where I received care during both of my pregnancies. The title of his presentation was "Prenatal Diagnosis and Clinical Outcomes in Pregnancies Complicated by Breus’ Mole". The presentation was 15 minutes long and given during the annual research day on May 4th of 2012.
Since that was just this past year, they were talking about me.
Not only me, of course, but that someone out there was using my experience for research got me all fired up. My immediate reaction was "Why was I not invited to this presentation??!! I want to know exactly what's going on??!!" So I wrote an e-mail to Dr. K., the placental specialist who saw me during my pregnancies and diagnosed the Breus mole in both cases. The guy is a research nut and I knew he would be happy to share his team's findings.
He wrote me back (in blue). My (mental) responses are in bold.
(Our hospital) has the largest experience now of Breus’ mole (16 cases)
16 cases is the LARGEST experience of any high risk pregnancy centre???..and this is counting me TWICE!!! What a way to make a girl feel special.
Perhaps I ate too much at my birthday dinner the night before, no?
***
I'm reading a good book. It's fictional but it has some really moving passages. One of the characters says this about dreams which I thought was very appropriate given the above.
"A dream is the place where a wish and a fear meet. When the wish and the fear are exactly the same, we call the dream a nightmare."
***
I troll the internet every few months using the search word "Breus mole". I feel a bit like someone routinely checking up on the convicted murderer who killed their family member. Just checking in on you Breus Mole. Just want to make sure some researcher somewhere is still keeping tabs. Finding out exactly what makes you tick. Don't think you can get away with it forever...
It was during one of these searches that I came across an abstract for a presentation by a doctor from the hospital where I received care during both of my pregnancies. The title of his presentation was "Prenatal Diagnosis and Clinical Outcomes in Pregnancies Complicated by Breus’ Mole". The presentation was 15 minutes long and given during the annual research day on May 4th of 2012.
Since that was just this past year, they were talking about me.
Not only me, of course, but that someone out there was using my experience for research got me all fired up. My immediate reaction was "Why was I not invited to this presentation??!! I want to know exactly what's going on??!!" So I wrote an e-mail to Dr. K., the placental specialist who saw me during my pregnancies and diagnosed the Breus mole in both cases. The guy is a research nut and I knew he would be happy to share his team's findings.
He wrote me back (in blue). My (mental) responses are in bold.
(Our hospital) has the largest experience now of Breus’ mole (16 cases)
16 cases is the LARGEST experience of any high risk pregnancy centre???..and this is counting me TWICE!!! What a way to make a girl feel special.
- Only one (you) person has a recurrence – that we are aware of. Obviously it is because I am awesome and rare like a unicorn.
- We have followed 5 subsequent pregnancies (approx, I don’t have data in front of me) and most are fine and we can decide this accurately at 20 weeks. Would this include my subsequent pregnancy? Cuz if so, it totally was NOT fine at 20 weeks.
- There is no genetic test yet for the condition, but deleting one specific gene in mice (Wnt2) gives a picture like Breus’ mole. Cool, but unhelpful unless you can check me, Brian and any of our offspring for this particular genetic mutation (and I'd totally be willing to let you).
- Survival of the baby is possible in about 35-45%, as in your situation. Um...not exactly what one wants to hear about the survival rate of their baby. But, I suppose it's better than the 0% chance that Dr. S. gave for Kaia's likely survival when my water broke at 17 weeks.
After reading his e-mail 3 or 4 times, I can safely say that no where did Dr. K. promise that any subsequent pregnancy we try for now would TOTALLY end up okay and healthy and happy and full of rainbows and butterflies. I'm also sorry to say that he did not add that NO WAY could I have a 3rd Breus mole...like NO WAY. I'm self-aware enough to realize my dead baby broken heart would really like a guarantee of normal, healthy pregnancy, so I wouldn't feel so guilty, selfish and anxiety filled (Russian roulette anyone?) if we decide to try for another child. I'm also rational enough to realize I'm not going to get it, and that we will have to make our decision based only the information we have now (which is basically a *shrug* and is not helpful at all).
I am not a person who likes to gamble. I never buy lottery tickets and I would consider it a waste of time and money to go to Vegas (except for the reportedly awesome shows!!!) I am also not a person who just settles when told something *might* be out of reach, especially if it's something I really want. To do so seems sad and wasteful. You never know until you try, right?
I feel like we got a pass from the universe with Kaia...might it be too much to ask for another one?
I feel like we got a pass from the universe with Kaia...might it be too much to ask for another one?
***
For Halloween Kaia is going to be a unicorn. My special, adorable rare little unicorn.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A (Birthday) Wrap
As of today, I'm 30.
Or 29 again, as I like to say.
***
I haven't done a Kaia update in awhile, so here goes:
We had her 15 month appointment with the pediatrician today. Kaia's doctor kept saying how great she looks, which is always nice to hear. Kaia is above the 50th% in both the weight and height categories for her corrected age of 13 months which means she's just below the 50th% for her actual age. She seems to be catching up to her 'July 2011' peers.
Kaia's also catching up in terms of her gross motor skills. She stands steadily while holding on to a support and can bend down to pick something up as long as she doesn't let go. She cruises around our furniture and will walk fairly quickly and purposefully when holding on to someone's hands. She is also able to get into a crawling position and sort of pull herself forward with her arms while her knees slide along the hardwood floors. The crawling position has been the hardest as it requires her to bear weight on her knees with her legs close together, which is basically the opposite of the cast position.It seemed like it took awhile to build up to, but then suddenly overnight she was doing some of the smaller, but no less important gross motor skills too, including going from laying down to sitting up and going from kneeling to standing. Those transitional movements seemed to be made harder due to the residual stiffness from the cast.
I'm very happy with her progress. I figure if you take her actual age of 15 months, minus the 2 months for her prematurity, then minus the 3 months she was in a cast, you get 10 months and she's at least at that level, if not a bit ahead. It makes me very glad her surgeons decided to do the Spica cast when they did. I couldn't imagine having to keep her immobile now.
Kaia continues to have good fine motor skills. She can stack 4 blocks on top of one another, which never fails to impress me. She might only get all those blocks stacked up 1 try out of 20, but man is it ever amazing to watch her try over and over and over in order to get it right. You can tell she is so pleased with herself when she gets it too. She will turn to us, with a big grin and clap, urging us to clap for her too. She loves to wave 'Hi' and 'Bye', although she's starting to show signs of shyness. My uncle dropped by last weekend to give me a birthday present and Kaia seemed kind of wary of him. She wouldn't wave or clap in his presence. Then as soon as the front door closed behind him, she immediately started to wave. It was pretty cute.
We took her to the zoo last weekend for a walk on a lovely fall day. Since our first time at the zoo back at the end of April, you can tell Kaia's much more interested in the animals. She was pointing at the hippos, the meerkats and all the brightly coloured fish. It's interesting to watch her become more aware of these other living creatures. She even seemed a little afraid of the young gorilla who was right up at the glass looking at us and studying Brian's iphone. I love taking Kaia to the zoo and I'm really glad we got a seasons pass. We'll definitely be renewing our membership next year.
I stopped pumping at the beginning of September. It was time. I don't miss being hooked up to that machine every day, although I do miss being able to provide milk for Kaia (and I really miss her not getting every single illness within a 1 kilometre radius, but that could just be a coincidence. I don't know if my boob juice was THAT powerful a germ buster). We easily switched her over to Homo milk and she gets that now at nap and bed time in a bottle. My friend who exclusively breastfed avoided bottles entirely and switched her daughter over to sippy cups at a year. Kaia drinks water from a sippy cup the rest of the day, but I'll admit I'm loathe to give up the bottle before sleeping time. She likes it and it calms her so much and I don't know if a sippy cup would have quite the same effect. For right now, I'm okay with her getting a bottle twice a day. We'll reevaluate in a couple of months.
Kaia has begun to have a few more feeding likes and dislikes. She WILL NOT let you feed her anything with a spoon. She turns her face and pushes away the spoon. However, she also won't feed herself with a spoon or fork (even though I KNOW she could do it). This is frustrating, as now EVERY single meal has to be something she can pick up with her fingers. She also does not like anything mushy. She takes each piece of food her in hand and squishes it and turns her nose up and avoids anything with a 'mush' factor. This means her formerly favourite snack of yogurt has turned into an 'unedible'. It also vetos soups, pasta sauces, chilli, stew, mashed potatoes, mushy banana, etc. etc. She does love cheese though. And bread. Ummm...cheese and bread. Can't say I blame her.
Her language skills are just so-so. You can tell she understands a lot, but doesn't really talk much. She says Ma-ma and Da-da although not necessarily in relation to us (she says Mama for just about everything). She says 'up' but it sounds like 'puh-puh' and she CAN do 'ump' for 'jump' and 'ooot' for 'out', but these are hit or miss. She also says our cat's name "-inx" (Lynx) on occasion. I wish she could say a few more words, as it would likely help with some of her frustration at times, but I'm sure the words will come soon enough and then if she's like me, she likely won't shut up.
She is honestly the cutest, sweetest, happiest kid. No, really...I got stopped in the hall at one of her doctors appointments with someone saying "that's the happiest baby I've ever seen!" She smiles a lot. She's great out in crowds. I can only think of one time in her whole life where she's really gone nuts in public for no reason (immunization and uncomfortable medical appointments don't count). She doesn't cry when being left with her grandparents or at the babysitters. She's good at occupying herself for relatively lengthy periods of time (20+ minutes or more). She will play with her blocks, her xylophone, her books, or her activity tray and never seem to get bored no matter how many times she comes back to them. She giggles like a crazy person whenever we 'animate' her stuffed monkey Molly.
She is so pleased with herself whenever she learns something new and loves to make us happy with these new skills. She's learned to wave hi and bye and will turn her wave inwards towards her nose when you say "Pee-yew". She throw her arms up in the air holding her xylophone sticks when we say "rock and roll!!!" just like a real drummer, and will hold on to the couch while standing and rock back and forth when we say "Ultimate Warrior" (don't ask, it's some wrestling thing from Brian's youth). She will also point to her belly and giggle when we say "Kaia...who's the baby?". She does the same thing for "Kaia, where's your belly?" and will lift up her shirt if she's not wearing a onesie to show you her bellybutton. She has a thing for light switches and loves pointing to and looking at the photos on the wall, including those we have up of Aidan. One day when I pointed to the picture of Aidan and us, I said "Mommy, Daddy and Aidan" and I swear she said "A-dan", which just about broke my heart and made me smile all in one go. I'm looking forward to sharing him with her.
I often can't believe how lucky we got with Kaia. How amazing she has done given her 'odds'. It seems unreal that she was Acorn, the baby we were so worried about for so long, so afraid she would die. She's so healthy, so normal, so ALIVE. We are lucky beyond measure.
As always, my birthday falls right near (Canadian) Thanksgiving. It's easy to say what I'm thankful for.
***
And of course, I must include what people really read these types of posts for: pictures!
And that's a (birthday) wrap.
Or 29 again, as I like to say.
***
I haven't done a Kaia update in awhile, so here goes:
We had her 15 month appointment with the pediatrician today. Kaia's doctor kept saying how great she looks, which is always nice to hear. Kaia is above the 50th% in both the weight and height categories for her corrected age of 13 months which means she's just below the 50th% for her actual age. She seems to be catching up to her 'July 2011' peers.
Kaia's also catching up in terms of her gross motor skills. She stands steadily while holding on to a support and can bend down to pick something up as long as she doesn't let go. She cruises around our furniture and will walk fairly quickly and purposefully when holding on to someone's hands. She is also able to get into a crawling position and sort of pull herself forward with her arms while her knees slide along the hardwood floors. The crawling position has been the hardest as it requires her to bear weight on her knees with her legs close together, which is basically the opposite of the cast position.It seemed like it took awhile to build up to, but then suddenly overnight she was doing some of the smaller, but no less important gross motor skills too, including going from laying down to sitting up and going from kneeling to standing. Those transitional movements seemed to be made harder due to the residual stiffness from the cast.
I'm very happy with her progress. I figure if you take her actual age of 15 months, minus the 2 months for her prematurity, then minus the 3 months she was in a cast, you get 10 months and she's at least at that level, if not a bit ahead. It makes me very glad her surgeons decided to do the Spica cast when they did. I couldn't imagine having to keep her immobile now.
Kaia continues to have good fine motor skills. She can stack 4 blocks on top of one another, which never fails to impress me. She might only get all those blocks stacked up 1 try out of 20, but man is it ever amazing to watch her try over and over and over in order to get it right. You can tell she is so pleased with herself when she gets it too. She will turn to us, with a big grin and clap, urging us to clap for her too. She loves to wave 'Hi' and 'Bye', although she's starting to show signs of shyness. My uncle dropped by last weekend to give me a birthday present and Kaia seemed kind of wary of him. She wouldn't wave or clap in his presence. Then as soon as the front door closed behind him, she immediately started to wave. It was pretty cute.
We took her to the zoo last weekend for a walk on a lovely fall day. Since our first time at the zoo back at the end of April, you can tell Kaia's much more interested in the animals. She was pointing at the hippos, the meerkats and all the brightly coloured fish. It's interesting to watch her become more aware of these other living creatures. She even seemed a little afraid of the young gorilla who was right up at the glass looking at us and studying Brian's iphone. I love taking Kaia to the zoo and I'm really glad we got a seasons pass. We'll definitely be renewing our membership next year.
I stopped pumping at the beginning of September. It was time. I don't miss being hooked up to that machine every day, although I do miss being able to provide milk for Kaia (and I really miss her not getting every single illness within a 1 kilometre radius, but that could just be a coincidence. I don't know if my boob juice was THAT powerful a germ buster). We easily switched her over to Homo milk and she gets that now at nap and bed time in a bottle. My friend who exclusively breastfed avoided bottles entirely and switched her daughter over to sippy cups at a year. Kaia drinks water from a sippy cup the rest of the day, but I'll admit I'm loathe to give up the bottle before sleeping time. She likes it and it calms her so much and I don't know if a sippy cup would have quite the same effect. For right now, I'm okay with her getting a bottle twice a day. We'll reevaluate in a couple of months.
Kaia has begun to have a few more feeding likes and dislikes. She WILL NOT let you feed her anything with a spoon. She turns her face and pushes away the spoon. However, she also won't feed herself with a spoon or fork (even though I KNOW she could do it). This is frustrating, as now EVERY single meal has to be something she can pick up with her fingers. She also does not like anything mushy. She takes each piece of food her in hand and squishes it and turns her nose up and avoids anything with a 'mush' factor. This means her formerly favourite snack of yogurt has turned into an 'unedible'. It also vetos soups, pasta sauces, chilli, stew, mashed potatoes, mushy banana, etc. etc. She does love cheese though. And bread. Ummm...cheese and bread. Can't say I blame her.
Her language skills are just so-so. You can tell she understands a lot, but doesn't really talk much. She says Ma-ma and Da-da although not necessarily in relation to us (she says Mama for just about everything). She says 'up' but it sounds like 'puh-puh' and she CAN do 'ump' for 'jump' and 'ooot' for 'out', but these are hit or miss. She also says our cat's name "-inx" (Lynx) on occasion. I wish she could say a few more words, as it would likely help with some of her frustration at times, but I'm sure the words will come soon enough and then if she's like me, she likely won't shut up.
She is honestly the cutest, sweetest, happiest kid. No, really...I got stopped in the hall at one of her doctors appointments with someone saying "that's the happiest baby I've ever seen!" She smiles a lot. She's great out in crowds. I can only think of one time in her whole life where she's really gone nuts in public for no reason (immunization and uncomfortable medical appointments don't count). She doesn't cry when being left with her grandparents or at the babysitters. She's good at occupying herself for relatively lengthy periods of time (20+ minutes or more). She will play with her blocks, her xylophone, her books, or her activity tray and never seem to get bored no matter how many times she comes back to them. She giggles like a crazy person whenever we 'animate' her stuffed monkey Molly.
She is so pleased with herself whenever she learns something new and loves to make us happy with these new skills. She's learned to wave hi and bye and will turn her wave inwards towards her nose when you say "Pee-yew". She throw her arms up in the air holding her xylophone sticks when we say "rock and roll!!!" just like a real drummer, and will hold on to the couch while standing and rock back and forth when we say "Ultimate Warrior" (don't ask, it's some wrestling thing from Brian's youth). She will also point to her belly and giggle when we say "Kaia...who's the baby?". She does the same thing for "Kaia, where's your belly?" and will lift up her shirt if she's not wearing a onesie to show you her bellybutton. She has a thing for light switches and loves pointing to and looking at the photos on the wall, including those we have up of Aidan. One day when I pointed to the picture of Aidan and us, I said "Mommy, Daddy and Aidan" and I swear she said "A-dan", which just about broke my heart and made me smile all in one go. I'm looking forward to sharing him with her.
I often can't believe how lucky we got with Kaia. How amazing she has done given her 'odds'. It seems unreal that she was Acorn, the baby we were so worried about for so long, so afraid she would die. She's so healthy, so normal, so ALIVE. We are lucky beyond measure.
As always, my birthday falls right near (Canadian) Thanksgiving. It's easy to say what I'm thankful for.
***
And of course, I must include what people really read these types of posts for: pictures!
 |
| Last cottage day for 2012 |
 |
| Drummer! |
 | ||||||
| Why yes Mommy, I do know that this is the EXACT same motion you would like me to do with a spoon... |
 |
| Grass is not mushy, therefore it is tasty |
 |
| Cruisin' |
 |
| Why yes, all that crap in the background is my toys. No, I do not feel the need to pick them up. |
 |
| Clap, clap! |
 |
| Rock and roll!!!! |
 |
| Fell asleep during dinner after refusing to nap at the babysitters. |
 |
| Help, I'm trapped!!!! |
 |
| Cutest face ever. |
And that's a (birthday) wrap.
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