Remember

Home almost 7 weeks

Remember a few weeks ago I asked for help in how to word Kaia's baby announcements?

Well after fretting about it for a little while I finally figured that a picture is worth a thousand words. So on the back of the card, in between a picture of Kaia and Brian and Kaia and me, I put this:




We're carrying you with us Aidan, today and every day. We love you, baby boy.

29

It's my birthday. I'm 29.

It's amazing the difference a year makes.

Last year I was sad and missing Aidan and working towards a 'successful' pregnancy.

This year, while I still miss Aidan, my days are full caring for his baby sister. My year, while not totally going according to plan (HA! understatement!!), did eventually work out the way I wanted it. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway, the following are some thoughts that have been rolling around in my brain for awhile.

Thought # 1:

I often wondered after Aidan died if I was correct in my assumption that life would be all around 'better' with a living baby. Obviously I wouldn't be sad if my kid wasn't dead, but I often wondered if I was 'romanticizing' being a parent. Every time I saw anything that reminded me of the parenthood I lost (strollers, baby shower invites, newborn outfits, parenting blogs etc.) it felt like a kick in the gut. Like a world I was ejected from that looked like SO much more fun than the life I was living. I was sad and angry that not only did I miss Aidan so badly, but that my life was so off track from where I wanted to be. That if only I had a baby life would be 'perfect'. Yet even though my cloud of grief I realized that the parents I knew who had young children weren't walking around on cloud nine, singing the praises of being a parent all the time. While I'm sure if asked they would all agree they loved their children and wouldn't trade them for the world, their lives were obviously not perfect. So which was it? Would a living child really make me 'happier'? Or was it all an illusion, just my sad, disappointed brain imaging a 'better' life that didn't really exist?

I feel I can now answer my own question. Yes, life really is happier...but it's true it's not perfect and I can't say I keep up the sentiment of feeling 'grateful' and 'lucky' all the time. But I'm learning to let myself just be glad for normal. Just like life was eventually 'okay' again after Aidan died because no one can stay in that initial fog of grief forever, no one can stay on cloud nine forever either. And honestly, I'm glad. It's exhausting to feel such extremes all the time. Major emotional events are going to happen in life, but generally I feel healthier and happier to just be in the middle most of the time.

I've also learned that while getting the one thing you've always wanted (a living baby) is an extremely wonderful thing, it does not fix other areas of your life. If you argue with your partner, you will still argue, and a new baby might even make that worse (although a dead one probably doesn't help matters either). A new baby while fun and exciting and beautiful, is also a lot of (often tedious) work (how many bottles did I wash today??!) It's occasionally stressful, and a big drain on resources, physically, emotionally, and financially. While a new baby brings joy and happiness into a family, it also means sacrificing other things that make you happy including sleep, a fulfilling career, hobbies, and events with family or friends. It can also be lonely hanging out all day with a new baby as they aren't known for being the best conversationalists. But while there are some draw backs, I would say I now feel more fulfilled, more centered, more at peace having a living child. And I try to remind myself, even when things are tough, how amazingly lucky I am to be able to say that.

Thought # 2

A few weeks ago, a woman I know posted on Facebook about the birth of her second child. She had not known the sex of the baby prior to delivery. Her first was a boy. Her second, a girl. People were posting congratulations and a comment was made 'now you have the million dollar family!' And my thought was "Holy shit, I had the million dollar family (one boy, one girl)...but half of mine died". (Does that mean I have the 500K family?) My mom often commented on her 'million dollar family' when my brother and I were growing up. She felt blessed to have one girl and one boy when she was told, for medical reasons, not to have any more kids. Because at that point, she was fine with no more as she had what she wanted. I had a boy, and I have a girl...but I won't ever have the satisfaction of watching my boy and girl play together or fight or lean on each other in tough times.

I e-mailed Dr. K. a few days ago and the placental pathology confirms that I had another Breus mole placenta (I could have told you that just based on the ultrasound pictures alone as Aidan and Kaia's placentas were very alike in their weirdness, so this wasn't exactly 'news'). This brings up the question of course though, why did it occur (TWICE??!!) Once was sad and unfortunate. Twice is kind of freakish. It makes me very wary of ever considering another pregnancy, because how can I be sure it won't happen for a 3rd time? It wasn't suppose to happen twice and it did. Plus, how could I place another child in jeopardy? We will be dealing with the ramifications of Kaia's confinement (literally) for the next year, and we are lucky her issues are 'fixable'. I also NEVER want to have to deal with another very early pPROM again. Ever. It was scary and terrible and soul crushing. I don't want to have to watch my husband, daughter or family have to live through it again either.

And yet...I would love another baby someday. Even more than that...I would like Kaia to have a (living) sibling. One that she can play with and tell stories to, have fun with, and confide in. While my brother and I don't spend as much time together as we used to, I do love having a sibling. I want that for Kaia. I want her to have a (living) brother or sister. One who isn't just a baby in a photo. One who doesn't sit on the shelf in the living room. Brian and I miss never getting to know Aidan...and now I miss him on Kaia's behalf too.

Thought # 3

I have been asked SO many times since Kaia was born "is this your first?" (honestly, this question gets asked more than her NAME, which I think is weird). Sometimes I tell the truth, and other times I lie. You'd have thought I would have gotten used to this in the last year having to answer the other dreaded question "Do you have any kids?", but still it's hard EVERY SINGLE TIME.

What also gets asked a lot is "how old is she?" This is another hard question for a preemie mom, because for anyone that knows anything about babies, she obviously doesn't look 3 months old. She's not even 9 lbs. She doesn't hold her head up yet. She is JUST starting to smile. Which means she's right on track...for her corrected age. Now, I don't mind telling people she was a preemie, but just like saying "oh my first child died", sometimes it feels like revealing too much to just any old Tom, Dick or Harry. So I often end up telling strangers "she's 6 weeks old" (the amount of time she's been home from the hospital). It gets confusing. It's not awkward like the number of children question, or the 'first child' question...but it's another baby question which I find myself occasionally lying about. Who knew having kids would make me such a liar?

So yeah. Kind of random I know.

That's where I am at as I enter year 29. I'm so glad I'm in a much better place than I was at 28. I hope it gives hope to those out there reading who aren't sure where they are going to be on their next birthday. Because you just never know what a difference a year can make.

Thoughts? Comments?

Kaia: 6 weeks home

Home 6 weeks

I have been wanting to write a post about Kaia for awhile. Just about her. Nothing else. No complaining, no whining, no fear or concern over health issues.

Just Kaia.

My sweet baby girl.
She is now almost 3 months old, but is technically about 1 month corrected. She weighs just over 8 lbs. She has blue eyes just like mine and hair that almost looks auburn in the sunlight.


She is a fairly good sleeper generally, but not for longer than 4 hours at a time and usually more like 3.
She is starting to have a few smiles which I swear might be real and not just gas.


She loves to be held, likes walks in her stroller, and prefers her milk just shy of hot thankyouverymuch.


She loves to be in the water, and I'm sad that she won't get to experience that for awhile now that she's in the harness full time.


She cries during sponge baths, and I don't blame her because everyone knows they are no fun at all. She is starting to have a little bit of neck strength when held upright, which I like to attribute to carrying her in her Moby wrap.

She has never had anything but breast milk...but seems to prefer to feed by bottle.


She will breastfeed, but does it more for comfort and something to suck on than nutrition and I'm trying to satisfy myself with that and not take it personally. Her dad is best at getting her to burp. She lets out some loud ones too. Her grandma (my mom) has babysat for her once while I was at the doctors and is convinced she loves music, which she listens to in her swing.


She has the best wide eyed stare in the world, as though she is really intent on what you are saying.

You can tell when she's pooping as she goes all red. She makes the craziest sounds, even when sleeping which I've heard is common in preemies. She often squeals like a dolphin, grunts like a goat, whinnies like a horse and/or squeaks like a mouse, sometimes all 4 in the space of a few minutes. Her room is my masterpiece and is the most 'perfect' looking room in the house. I'm so pleased with it because it's girly without having a lick of pink.

She loves to sleep in her bassinet (which is part of her stroller, thank you to everyone who helped me get it for her!), and I feel safe when she's there as it's hooked up to the Angelcare monitor. Her nicknames are Pumpkin, Monkey, Chicken Little, Kaia-Papaya, and occasionally mommy's little Acorn. I say Acorn only occasionally because it's funny how I don't really even associate her with my awful pregnancy. Acorn was her...and yet the two events just seem so far removed from each other. Pregnancy = awful. Kaia = great! During the day if she's been napping for awhile, I almost miss holding her and want her to wake up just so I can look in her big blue eyes.


I can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks of having her home will bring. Hopefully real smiles (that other people think are real too!) and maybe a giggle. Maybe some more sleep at night? (Pretty please!) Halloween costumes (I finally have a kid to dress up!!!)

Thank goodness you're you Kaia. You've been home 6 weeks and I can't imagine life without you.

Love you, my baby girl.

The song that doesn't end...

Home 5 weeks

I don't get it. I just don't. Crazy scary things just keep popping up in our lives and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

It started last Sunday morning. It was the last day before Brian had to go back to work after being off since Kaia came home. I was understandably a little nervous about having to fly solo. It was a HUGE help having Brian at home, especially with Kaia's (ongoing) feeding issues and multiple doctor's appointments (11 appointments for her since she's been home: 2 with the lactation consultant, 2 weight checks back at the hospital, 3 with the pediatrician, 1 ROP eye exam, 1 orthopedic hip exam which greatly upset us, 2 ultrasounds, one on her head and one on her hip, and she has another orthopedic appointment down at the children's hospital on Tuesday).

Anyway, Sunday morning I get up and walk Kaia down to her room to change her. As I zip open her sleep sac, I notice that her legs look funny. Although she is still strapped into her harness her legs are no longer in the 'froggy' position that the orthopedic surgeon put her in after (PAINFULLY) popping her hip back into position. Nope...her legs are now in the same position that they had been in for 7 weeks. In short...her hip was once again dislocated.

Shit.

I was understandably upset, and started to think about Kaia having to go through having her hip reduced (PAINFULLY) AGAIN...and....

my heart started to feel funny....

really funny...

like it was fluttering and not beating like it should.

I tried taking my pulse in my carotid artery in my neck, and it didn't feel strong. It felt kind of slow and weak. I started to feel dizzy and had to sit down. Then my legs and arms started to feel kind of numb. I told Brian I had to go lie down. He went to get me a glass of juice and I started to feel like it was hard to breathe. Brian asked if I thought I needed an ambulance and I said yes. So we called one. The dispatcher on the phone asked him if he could find my pulse and later Brian told me he thought my pulse seemed kind of slow (my normal heart rate is > 90 resting due to my heart condition). He must have sounded upset on the phone because not one but two ambulance crews arrived within minutes.

While Brian was on the phone with the dispatcher I started to feel a little better and by the time the ambulance crew showed up, I felt I could breathe a little easier and my heart seemed to have returned to a more normal rhythm. They checked me out and although my blood pressure was pretty low (77/56) initially, it improved within a minute or two and I felt okay enough to send them away without going to hospital.

But, as you can imagine, the whole episode freaked me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. Because although it COULD have been a panic attack (which I have had before and I know from experience can be very scary), it didn't entirely FEEL like a panic attack. The heart rate thing was different. Usually during panic attacks it feels as though your heart is pounding, like you ran up a flight of stairs...this felt like my heart was fluttering...beating quickly, but shallowly, if that makes any sense.

Fortunately I just so happened to have had a cardiac appointment scheduled on Thursday. For anyone who knows me in real life who is reading this, please don't panic. All my tests came back absolutely normal (well not normal of course, they will never be normal...but normal for me). And my cardiologist didn't seem TOO concerned. To 'do something' she decided to get a holter monitor on me (which is like an heart rate monitor that you wear for 24 hours and it monitors your heart rate and rhythm). The results will be available this week. So while it could have been a irregular heart rhythm, which can happen with my particular heart defect, it would also seem very coincidental timing for a person who has never had an irregular rhythm to suddenly have one at that particular time when I was (admittedly) very upset.

After hearing my heart was okay from my cardiologist I started to take stock of my physical body and realized how tense I am. My shoulders are in knots. My lower back is constantly sore. I have an eye twitch. I find it hard to sit still. I find it hard to concentrate. I'm tired. I have come to the conclusion that I need to RELAX. I have been so stressed out for SO long that I am coming to the end of my ability to deal with things. If you've been following along you understand that they last two years have been STRESSFUL. And while coming home with Kaia was wonderful and fulfilling, it has had it's own challenges and pitfalls.

So after realizing this, I resolve that this weekend is going to be relaxing and fun. We have visits scheduled with friends and family. We are just going to chill and enjoy. Brian will be around to help with the night feedings, so I can get a bit more sleep. Sounds good right?

But then our cat gets sick.

Like puking all over the place, not eating or drinking, sick.

So after hoping she would improve today (she didn't) tonight at 6pm Brian takes her to the emergency vet as our regular one isn't open on Sunday. They give her IV hydration and some pain meds, but also tell Brian that she might have an intestinal blockage and if we want it investigated it would be $170 for an x-ray. Then if they found something on the x-ray and surgery was needed that could be in the $2000-3000 range.

!!!!

We haven't even begun paying off my $2000 hospital stay...we can't afford to pay that much or more for our cat.

Of course, then we feel like awful people. We love our cat. She was our first 'baby'...even before Aidan. She's only 4 years old and deserves to have a healthy long life. She's never even had any issues up until today!

So tonight was the second time in less than 2 weeks that both Brian and I were crying due to fear and sadness and stress of having to cope with one of our 'babies' in pain.

In the end we decided to do the x-ray, which showed no blockages. Our kitty is now resting at home, hydrated from the IV and hopefully feeling no pain after the meds. Our instructions were not to feed her overnight, and if she has no more vomiting to give her some of this special cat food they had us purchase which is more easily digestible. If she's still sick overnight, we're to take her to our regular vet tomorrow. But I really hope she's better...and so does my wallet.

And now I have to go and pump breast milk for the 7th time today, then bottle feed Kaia, then try to sleep and hope that the morning makes everything seem a little bit brighter.

Harnessed

Home almost 4 weeks.

Yesterday was our first appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to check out Kaia's hip dysplasia since she has been home.

It did not go well.

I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but the Pavlik harness that Kaia wears to keep her hip in the proper position is a piece of GARBAGE. It is held on by Velcro that DOES NOT WORK. The 'hook' portion of the Velcro is fine, but the 'fuzz' that it's suppose to stick to doesn't hold. You know that sound that really good Velcro makes when it is ripped open? A loud RIIPPPPPP sound? Well the Velcro on Kaia's harness makes a soft 'piff' sound when being opened.

In an attempt to fix this, about two weeks ago Brian decided to take matters into his own hands. To reinforce the harness he went to the fabric store, bought some of the 'fuzz' that Velcro tabs stick to and sewed it to the harness in order to get it to stay on and not 'pop open' every time she moved. It seemed to be working and the harness was at least staying put.

Which would have been great, except that Kaia's hip has NOT been in the correct position and therefore for the last SIX WEEKS that she has been wearing the damn thing it's been doing exactly NOTHING!!!!

That's right folks. My kid's hip is still dislocated and the harness which was supposed to be 'holding it in position' so that the socket could grow around the ball joint of her leg was set up improperly and was literally holding her hip OUT of position this entire time.

The worst part was when the surgeon popped her hip back into place yesterday Kaia seemed to jerk her whole body and then started to SCREAM. And screamed. And cried. For over an HOUR afterwards. Then she was whimpering and crying out every time she would move and wouldn't let us put her down all afternoon. Both Brian and I cried. It was awful. We felt terrible for her and were so afraid she was in a lot of pain. I gave her Tylenol yesterday and over night and thankfully today she seems much better. I hope I NEVER have to see that again. I wanted to kill him after he did it yesterday. It looked so painful and I was angry that he did it without any sort of pain meds or warning to us that it might hurt her.

What is also crazy is that her legs are in a completely different position now that she is in the harness 'properly'. I can't believe we (and all the medical people who have seen her the last 6 weeks) didn't clue into this.

To say we were upset yesterday both watching our child in pain and to hear how badly this whole "Pavlik harness" thing has been screwed up was an understatement. The problem was that when the orthopedic surgeon set her up in the harness initially he told us it would be fine to take her out for baths and to change her clothes. So we did. Lots. We treated her like a normal baby, who just needed to wear a brace over her outfits. No biggie. However, her hip is SO unstable likely the first time we took her out of the harness all those weeks ago her hip dislocated again and was never put back in place. Yesterday he mentioned "oh, well you might want to keep her in the harness at all times for awhile now".

!!!!

I am very upset that this doctor never came back to check on her in the NICU after applying the harness. That was 6 weeks ago. You think they might have wanted to check it before now. Also now that I understand how unstable her hip is, it's appalling that the orthopedic surgeon never thought to tell us it might be best if she wore the harness 24/7. In this way we'd have to treat her as though she is wearing a cast, not a brace. Braces come off to wash. Casts do not. Kaia's pediatrician was no help either. She's seen Kaia a few times since her discharge from the hospital and could obviously feel that her hip was out of joint. Why she didn't think that was a problem, when the harness is supposed to be holding her hip in joint so it can grow properly is beyond me.

So, I am now pushing for a referral to the children's hospital where I work. Once we get there I hope we will be fitted for a new harness that has working Velcro (although this harness's Velcro might be just fine now that we won't be opening and closing the tabs so often since we won't be taking if off). I also hope that I'll get more clues as to how to care for a kid who is wearing a body harness instead of the absolutely nothing I've been told so far.

Such as: What clothes are best to dress her in? It's going to get cold here soon and she can't really wear pants. Are there any positions she can't lay in? For example, I've been trying to breastfeed her in the cross-cradle hold...but that puts pressure on her hips and legs, so maybe that's not the best idea? In that case, how should I hold her when I (am still attempting) to breastfeed her? Are there any parts of the harness I can remove in order to bathe her? What if she pukes or poops on it? Do I spot clean? With what? How do I monitor her skin integrity under the booties? Are there any worrying symptoms I should be on the look out for? I read on the Internet that you have to watch to make sure she can still move her leg, otherwise this can indicate nerve damage...but her doctor's never told me about this and I'm not sure if it is an issue I need to concern myself with.

I could go on with my list of questions, but I won't. You get the idea. Basically in hospital they put Kaia in the harness and didn't tell me anything else. When I asked if she could come out for baths they said yes. If I can't take her out of the harness EVER then a whole new set of concerns comes up. Which you think an orthopedic surgeon who has been doing this since 1987 would realize...but I guess not.

It's also sad that in addition to all the problems we've had breastfeeding, we've now lost bath time. And cute outfits. And snuggles without a harness in the way.

Kaia, maybe this will one day all seem like a funny memory of 'when you were a baby'...but right now it's really hard. And sad. And stressful. I just want things to be easy for you. Or at least not so hard.

In which I relax about the boob juice

Thanks for all your supportive comments on my last post.

I know I'm doing the best I can. Both Brian and I are. It's just hard when I feel like neither my pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding experience has been the way I envisioned. Breastfeeding was the one biological thing I felt I could 'control' or 'work on'. I couldn't control that my water broke WAY too early. I couldn't control the endless leaking of amniotic fluid. I couldn't control that Kaia was breech and thus I needed a C-section. I couldn't control that she was premature and needed to be in the NICU for 50 days. I can't control that Kaia has hip dysplasia and will be her in harness for months, and may need surgery and casting at some point. I thought breastfeeding was one of those things I could 'decide' on: ie "I've 'decided' to breastfeed". I didn't know Kaia would have a say in it!

On Monday we went back to the lactation consultant. She basically reiterated what we discussed last week: Kaia's latch is fine. She sucks well. She should be able to breastfeed. We should quit finger feeding her. End of story.

However, I continue to feel that Kaia does not get enough milk breastfeeding alone. My evidence is that her diapers aren't as heavy. She doesn't gain weight as well. She doesn't go 3 hours between feeds. She's just irritable from one feed to the next and doesn't sleep well. She doesn't look like her perky self. I'm her mom. I know her.

We were a bit upset and frustrated when we got home from the LC appointment. Lactation consultants are so militant! They are SO gung-ho about breastfeeding that they forget to be practical. While I'm completely on board about breastfeeding and the benefits of breast milk, I couldn't help feel a bit pissed off when I was reading a sign in the LC's office that RANKS the 'best ways' to feed your baby, with exclusively breastfeeding at the top, breast milk in a bottle as second, donated breast milk as third (and where the heck does one get this? Certainly can't pick it up at the corner store!), cow's milk formula as 4th and soy based formulas a distant 5th. How shitty would that make you feel if couldn't (or didn't want to?!) breastfeed and your kid was allergic to cow's milk. Sorry kid...you are being fed in the 'worst' way possible. Nice.

The basic truth is that I can't feed Kaia 24-7. Kaia can't breastfeed 24-7. I can't do supplemental feeding at with a tube taped to my boob she doesn't latch well with the tube in the way. Finger feeding is not practical for use on the go (and we have to be on the go a lot as Kaia has a lot of doctor's appointments the next little while). We shouldn't be made to feel like we're failing for feeding our child in a way that makes her happy!

We got home from the lactation consultant appointment and decided that while we are committed to Kaia getting breast milk, we are NOT going to sacrifice her happiness, our sleep, and my stress levels anymore.

So we went and bought a bunch of bottles, a bottle warmer and a microwave steam sterilizer.

I continue to pump, so Kaia continues to get nothing but breast milk, and at each feed that is practical (which is any that are at home) I attempt to breastfeed her first, before giving her a bottle. She seems to suck on the boob for about 15-20 minutes before getting tired and then she gets a bottle of however much she wants afterwards.

And you know what? I'm okay with this. In fact, it's been working quite well. It helped that I checked out the preemie page on babycenter and many moms found that their preemie took a lot longer to learn to breastfeed (if ever), and needed a bottle for longer because they got too tired breastfeeding (exactly what I feel is happening for Kaia!) Because Kaia is now full term baby size (almost 7 lbs!) and is over 'term', it's easy to assume that she should act and be able to do the same things that a full term baby can do. What I have to keep reminding myself is that in gestational weeks 32-40, when normally babies are just relaxing in the womb, chillin' and not having to do much of anything, Kaia had to learn to breathe, learn to eat, keep herself warm, was separated from us, and has had to deal with being in a harness to fix her dislocated hip! That's a lot for one baby. It's amazing that she's doing as well with breastfeeding as she is.

The last two weeks I've felt like such a failure as a mom, and frustrated with Kaia that she won't act like a 'normal' baby. I kept comparing myself to my friend who breastfed her daughter exclusively, and have listened to endless stories from my mother and mother-in-law about the wonderful time they remember having breastfed both their kids. But you know what? None of them are Kaia's mom. They fed full term babies. I have to do what is best for us and for Kaia. As much as it's a lot having to feed her twice (once with the boob, once with the bottle) AND pump, it's worth it to ensure she's A) getting breast milk and all the benefits that entails, and B) that's she happy, healthy and growing well.

We've also started to enjoy one of the perks of non-exclusive breastfeeding. Which is that we BOTH get to feed her. I knew before Aidan or Kaia was born that Brian would be a great dad, but even I'm impressed at how helpful he's been and how great he's been through all our feeding challenges. I don't know that any of the women I'm comparing myself to had the support that I've had. Because they exclusively breastfed they HAD to be the one to feed the baby, and because their babies fed well, they only needed one person. Since Kaia's presented a little more of a challenge, she has involved BOTH her parents in her care, and I refuse to see that as a bad thing. It will be more difficult in a week and a half when Brian goes back to work, but I'll deal with that as it comes. I'm off work for a year, so really...what else to I have to do but feed my kid!

So that's that folks. We're back to Kaia's pediatrician on Friday for a weigh in and I'm actually looking forward to it! My baby's thriving and it's no one's business but ours how that happens.

So there.

Did your breastfeeding experience go the way you planned it? If it didn't how did it make you feel? How did you resolve the issue?

The opposite of easy

2 months old! Kaia was due on September 1st, 3rd or 5th considering who you asked (OB, me or Neonatology), but any which way you count it Kaia is finally considered full term!

Just to round out my completely abnormal pregnancy, birth and lactation experience, because nothing could be problem free, we are STILL finger feeding. Kaia has decided that while latching on to the boob is fun and all, the nipple should dispense milk like a pop machine, no effort required. Thus she DOES NOT SUCK for any longer than a few minutes at a time. We have had a couple of weight checks and when Brian and I were finger feeding her almost exclusively last week, she gained 135 grams in 4 days, but as we tried to cut that out more this week and let her get 'hungry for the boob', she only gained 50 grams in 6 days. Not enough, considering they want her to gain between 20-40 grams per day.

Damn.

We have seen two lactation consultants, but as one would expect from those who have to only 'show' rather than 'do', their solutions are less than perfect. The first one was the one who turned us on to finger feeding on Kaia's last day in the hospital. Her rational was to do finger feeding for a little while and get Kaia home, as studies show that finger feeders transition better to the boob than bottle feeders.

The next lactation consultant we went to see said that we should 'move away' from finger feeding and that babies should feed at the breast and that babies respond to 'flow'. Therefore I likely have slow flow at the nipple and that I should be pumping more (!!!) and should set Kaia up with a lactation aid at the breast (look it up if you don't know what this is). Setting up the lactation aid is all fine and dandy when you are in a nice comfy office, well rested with multiple people to help you...but at 4 in the morning when you've had NO sleep and your kid is screaming and has just peed all over, the LAST thing you want to fiddle with is tape and small tubes and trying to get said crying child to latch on to not only your nipple but the small tube as well.

So while my father in law didn't mean to be philosophical when it said it, I have liked his recent pronouncement on child rearing: First you do what is right, and then you do what works.

Right now, a lactation aid at the breast doesn't work for Kaia or for us. It's too finicky and time consuming, although I understand the principle behind it (breast=milk). So, in ordnance with the above stated philosophy, to feed our child we are doing this: At each feed start with breastfeeding. Continue until she isn't sucking, seems overly fussy, or appears full (this last one hasn't happened yet). Then I pass her to Brian who finger feeds her while I pump. Then wash all pumping and finger feeding supplies and repeat in 3 hours. She is getting nothing but breast milk, which I'm pleased about and my supply seems to be doing okay, so we are going to stick with it. Hopefully (soonish??!) she will take more at the breast and less of the supplemental finger feeding, and will continue to gain weight.

I'm worried about the soonish part, because while this works while Brian is around to help me, in two weeks he has to go back to work and then I'm on my own for all feeds except those that fall between the hours of 5pm and 10pm. And the routine of feeding Kaia can take about an hour at this point, so it will be even longer if I have to do it on my own. I REALLY REALLY don't want to transition to bottles...but I might have to in order to get some time to sleep in there.

All of this of course brings up feelings of failure, disappointment and inadequacy in me. I realize I'm doing the best I can, but it would be so lovely for just something to go SMOOTHLY. It wasn't getting pregnant, it wasn't staying pregnant, it wasn't giving birth, it wasn't the NICU stay, it wasn't the home coming or breastfeeding.

Maybe it will be the transition to solids? Here's hoping.