Aidan, Baby of Mine

Head Case

2012-02-25T20:56:00.004-05:00

Casted: 7 weeks + 1 day. Time until UNcasted: 5 weeks + 3 days!

I can now officially say we are over the hump in terms of Kaia's cast time. We had an appointment at the hospital on Friday and since we were early I decided to swing by the Ortho department to see if they had booked Kaia's "FREEDOM" date yet. They had, and the nice front desk lady gave us our appointment of April 3rd at 9:15am. Whoo hoo! Can't wait. Good news is that she'll be out for Easter! An awesome excuse to wear cute outfits!

However that's about the only good news we gleaned from our Friday trip to the hospital. It was a bit of a mess and very stressful. We arrived at 8 am and Kaia had two ultrasounds scheduled back to back for 9am and 9:30am and then an appointment with the doctor afterwards.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here (mainly because I thought it was such a NON-issue that it wasn't worth mentioning), but a few days after Kaia was born she had a head ultrasound. This is pretty standard in the preemie world to check for brain bleeds. In the preemie brain, some of the small vessels that line the ventricles of the brain are prone to rupturing because of the many complications and body stresses that affect premature babies. The earlier the baby is born, the increased likelihood of brain bleeds being an issue, ie: your 24 weeker is almost guaranteed to have at least a small bleed (or possibly a very large bleed which can be disastrous), while in your 32 weeker (like Kaia) it's less likely.

At birth, Kaia didn't have any brain bleeds, BUT it was noted that her ventricles (the spaces inside your brain where cerebrospinal fluid is made) were asymmetrical with the left being larger than the right. At the time, her doctors were fairly unconcerned and assured me that they would just follow it with repeat head ultrasounds. We had a few more checks while Kaia was still in the NICU and it never seemed to improve (ie: even out in size), but it never got WORSE either. Eventually, since we were considering a helmet for Kaia due to the shape of her head, her pediatrician made a referral for us to go see a Neurosurgeon, where she figured we could have both the ventricle issue assessed as well as the need for a helmet. Neurosurgeons deal with both the inside (brain) AND the outside (shape of the skull) so we thought "hey, we'll kill two birds with one stone" and make sure Kaia's insides are cool and then we'll get a helmet to fix the shape of the outsides.

I was even less concerned about the ventricle issue after her NICU follow up appointment in January where the neonatologist who saw us said that they quite often see ventricle asymmetry in preemies and have no real evidence to say it means anything. Perfect!

So, Friday we went for a repeat head ultrasound. I was completely and totally unworried about the ventricles and I was focusing all my mental energies on making sure I asked questions about the helmet that it took me a second to realize that the Neurosurgeon was recommending that Kaia go for a CT scan to check her brain! Uh...what? Basically he said that the ventricles haven't improved (and he might have said they are slightly bigger, although I'm wracking my brain and I can't remember his exact phrase-ology now)...so he wants to get a better picture via CT. We're setting that up for 6-8 weeks from now. I do remember him saying that while he's pretty sure the ventricle asymmetry is 'just her' and not going to be an issue, 'the possibility of her needing a shunt isn't zero'. Below is a picture of what a shunt is.
A shunt is an internal drain that pumps fluid from the overfull ventricles and puts the fluid into the belly where it's absorbed. The shunt is placed in the body permanently. Associated complications with a shunt include: infection, blockage of the drain, or over drainage. However, if ventricles aren't drained properly it can lead to hydrocephalus and brain swelling resulting in headaches, nausea, vomiting, double vision, altered consciousness, mental disability and can lead to death. NONE OF WHICH YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CHILD!!!!

I was literally in shock. Um...wait a second...Kaia's insides are FINE...it's all the outside stuff we had to fix: hip, then head and then we're golden, right?

After lobbing this bomb, the surgeon then goes on to say that we'll needed to get started on the helmet as soon as we can if we want it to be effective. Helmets only really work to correct head shape up until age 1, and since Kaia's almost 8 months actual and 6 months corrected, we'll have to get started soon. I was prepared for this, so I was able to ask intelligently and reasonably (I thought) ask if we could possibly delay the helmet until after she's out of the cast. It's only a month or so away and her head is only mildly odd shaped, so maybe we don't need that much time in a helmet anyway? Plus, who wants to wear TWO pieces of hot, itchy, restrictive equipment at the same time if it's possible to avoid it? The neurosurgeon look at me and asked in a not very nice tone "well, is that for your convenience or hers?"

??!!

Um...HERS!!!??? Obviously!!! I don't give a shit about what she's wearing. I care that she's happy, and comfortable, and not being tortured by not being able to move the lower half of her body AND have a hot, itchy helmet on her head!!!

The Neurosurgeon's response was: "Well she won't remember any of this anyway".

I have the unfortunate communication defect of freezing up and not being able to speak intelligently when I'm mad, so very quickly the appointment came to an end I was packing Kaia up and rushing out of the exam room. I was so overwhelmed I just wanted to get out of there. I have heard that "won't remember" phrase SO much about the cast and I'm really starting to HATE it, so when he said it I saw RED!

I understand why people say it. I KNOW I said it to parents working in the NICU. But when I hear "well she won't remember it" as a parent it just sounds so dismissive. As if it's of no consequence that my baby might be in pain or uncomfortable. It's also dismissive of the real distress one feels as a parent to have to put one's child through something that is painful or uncomfortable, even if it's for their own good. It's awful to watch your child be miserable and be able to do nothing. It's mentally scarring. Why shouldn't that count for something?

One would never say about a baby who has been abused or neglected "oh well, it's not like she'll remember it anyway". No, a reasonable person would be horrified that anyone could do something nasty to a helpless baby. So why is it okay to think that if Kaia is miserable or uncomfortable, and can't complain or ask questions or protest that somehow that's just fine and dandy?

Needless to say, I was upset when everything was said and done. I've since almost convinced myself that they are just being overly cautious with the CT. Since your brain is a pretty necessary organ, and 'hey we have the technology to do it, so why not?', let's just MAKE SURE that her brain is fine so we won't have to worry about it. Of course now the possibility that it IS something will be in the back of our minds until we learn more. It just feels like it NEVER ENDS!

Oh, and to top it all off, the second ultrasound that Kaia had was of her labia, which I was able to pay attention to because Kaia wasn't crying (like she was during the head ultrasound). I came home yesterday and searched ultrasound images of hernias, and from my (completely untrained) eye, I'm betting she has a hernia too. Boo.

Not exactly the news we'd be hoping for. One thing I've realize after coming home yesterday is that I need to have someone (Brian or my mom) come with me to these appointments. It's just too much work to have to haul Kaia around, keep her happy and fed and entertained, while also remaining calm and communicative with the doctors. I always seem to think "Emily, you're a nurse. Why can't you multitask and ask intelligent, well thought out questions on the fly, the way you do with patients?" I don't know, but I just can't. It's different when you're the parent.

Chalk it up to lesson learned.

Auntie

2012-02-18T21:31:00.005-05:00

I'm an aunt.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law had their baby on Thursday.

I am thrilled for them. They have waited a LONG time for this.
I am happy for my in-laws. They have a new grand-child.
I am excited for myself and Brian. We are an aunt and uncle.
I am pleased for Kaia. She has a cousin very close in age.
I am relieved the baby is healthy and well. Not all babies are so lucky.

But the part of my heart that belongs to Aidan did a tight little squeeze, lurch and drop when Brian, on the phone minutes after delivery, turned to me and said:

"It's a boy!"

*
**
***

It's a boy. A boy. Boy.

Oh, boy.

I had prepared myself for this. I suspected it was a boy. Was entirely anticipating the arrival of a nephew. Was excited even.

Didn't entirely anticipate the sadness.

Where did that come from?

Last night, laying in bed, I kept myself awake thinking about it, mulling it over, when I really should have been sleeping. A part of me is a little ashamed to admit I cried. I cried, like I haven't cried in a long while. I was so looking forward to this baby being born, and I'm happy, really I am...so why the sudden melancholy?

I went through this a bit when Kaia was born. Maybe I always will when a baby I really care about comes along. For some reason it was different when it was my own. Maybe because I have time to process now. When Kaia was born it was a wash of hormones, milk, blood and sleep deprivation. And above all that, complete and total elation that she was alive. My Acorn was here! She made it! I did it! Beyond that, I had no time or energy to focus.

Now I do.

So as I lay there last night, thinking too much, I considered, what if it had been a girl? If I had suddenly had a niece I think I would have naturally been more inclined to compare to Kaia. To compare the similarities and differences in the births of our two girls. There wouldn't have been much resemblance. I think the overwhelming feeling I might have had beyond excitement and happiness, might have been a bit of jealousy. Jealous because of the things my sister-in-law got to experience that I didn't: healthy pregnancy, full term pregnancy, vaginal delivery, saw and held baby on the day of delivery, attempted to breastfeed baby on day of delivery, will be going home tomorrow accompanied by an infant.

I would have felt a bit jealous because of the differences in the beginnings of our two babies, but recognized that in the days and weeks to come, those differences will cease to matter. If we both had girls, who cares what their first few weeks are like when they are 6 and 7, 19 and 20, 39 and 40? If we had two little girls running around, born so close together, the ghostly outline of a little boy who lives in my head could remain hazy and undefined. There would be no 'exact replica of a figment of my imagination'.

No one to compare with the son who is ashes and lives on the shelf.

But I now have a nephew. A boy who shares 1/8th the same genetic material as Aidan. This little boy will grow and be and do and see, and above all...live. Live a life Aidan will never have. Who has already, at 2 1/2 days old, done so much more than my son ever got to. I'm happy for him. Relieved he is here, safe and sound.

Sad my son isn't.

We are going to meet him on Monday. I'm excited...tinged with a bit of grief. I know I will love this little boy, love him for himself and no other, but I'm afraid he will always be a bit of a forward echo in time of what my little boy never was. And, with the passage of time, I expect that will be okay. May even be somewhat of a joy and comfort, to see him grow up beside his cousin Kaia. A close male relation that is the next-best thing to a brother.

But right now...it hurts a little bit.

Cast Change

2012-02-13T20:31:00.003-05:00

5 weeks + 3 days in cast, 7 to 8 weeks to go.

Yep, you read that right...we're not as close to half way done as I thought. But there was good and bad news today so I'll start from the beginning.

It was an early beginning. Kaia's cast change time was at 8 am. Because she's a baby and can't hold still on command, the cast change was done under anesthetic. So while there was no actual surgery today, we had to prepare as though there was. Which means we had to wake Kaia up at 3:45 am to give her a last bottle before she was NPO (no food) for 4 hours prior to surgery. It also meant we had to be at the hospital by 6 am for her pre-op check in, so we didn't get much sleep last night (YAWN!)

Anyway, the cast change went smooth as silk. She was taken in right at 8am and she was only under for about an hour. She woke up really well (last time she screamed herself hoarse) and we were released from the hospital by 11 am. First surgical time slot of the day sucks to get started, but it's worth it to be home by noon.

The surgeon came to talk to us afterwards and said things had gone well, and Kaia's hip, from what he can tell just by x-ray and moving it around, is developing as he would like. He'd like to leave her in the cast for at least another 7 to 8 weeks. Since I was hoping we'd be out by the end of March, (ie: 6 ish weeks), this is not the most thrilling news. Now it looks like we might spend Easter in the cast. This would put her 'freedom date' sometime the second week of April if he makes us go the full 8 weeks.

The other not so wonderful thing is that after her initial surgery back in January, Kaia had an MRI immediately afterwards to confirm that her hip was in place once the cast was on (no use being in a cast if the hip isn't EXACTLY where it's suppose to be). During that MRI, an incidental finding was discovered of a "mass in the labia". You can't see this "mass" on visible inspection (and I've looked), but the surgeon told us today he suspects it might be a hernia. Kaia now has an ultrasound of her 'lady bits' scheduled for the end of February to see if they can exactly tell what it is. If it is in fact a hernia, I'm betting this isn't going to be our last day surgery procedure!

Blast!

A hernia isn't totally unexpected, as hernias are fairly common amongst the preemie set (although typically more often seen in boys in my experience), AND Kaia's got family history on her (down) side, since Brian, my father and my brother all had hernia surgery as babies. Still, it's just one more thing we'll have to 'deal' with at some point. One more scar for my little lady to chalk up.

Anyway, on to the good news.

Good news is that once Kaia is out of the cast...THAT'S IT! From what I've typically read on babycenter under the "hip dysplasia board", kids are often put in a brace or harness AGAIN after being in a cast. The 'after cast harness' is usually worn full time for awhile except for baths, then the time is gradually decreased over the following weeks/months and sometimes even YEARS to spans of "18 hours a day" or "only at night". I was fully expecting her surgeon to say that yes, Kaia would be fitted for a brace once the cast was off. However, when I asked today he said "Nope. Once the cast is off that's it".

Really? REALLY??!! YIPPEE!!!! I'll take another week or two in a cast as trade-sies for NO time in a brace.

Now I realize that we're not out of the woods yet. If, over time, Kaia's hip doesn't make the progress towards 'normal' that they would like to see, it could mean more surgery and/or cast time in the future, but we'll deal with that if it comes (and I really hope it doesn't. Can you imagine hauling your 6 year old around in a body cast? My back aches just thinking about it!)

So, that's the update! Grow Kaia's hip! GROW!!!

The Next: Part Two

2012-02-07T15:26:00.001-05:00

I know this probably gets debated a lot on dead baby blogs, but it's been my experience so far that I will never feel as sad, as hopeless or as desperate for another baby than I was after I lost my first and only child. As much as in the years to come I may hope for another baby, I don't think it will be as hard? difficult? all encompassing? as it was when I was trying to get pregnant with first Aidan and then Kaia. Death of an only, in my experience, is just the rock bottom of empty.

Because I have her, I feel lucky, blessed and like I could (and may have to) consider my family complete.

But what does that mean for Kaia?

Both Brian and I each have a brother. Brian's is older, mine is younger. We both grew up in the typical mom, dad and 2 kids family. We both played with our brothers as kids. We each share that sibling bond. We can have conversations with our brothers that we couldn't have with anyone else. As Catherine so aptly put it having a conversation with your sibling is "like reading a webpage absolutely jammed pack full of hyperlinks. Or a book crammed with footnotes". Your shared past guarantees a certain understanding. Siblings own a special and important piece of your childhood that not even your parents can quite understand.

Brian and I consider ourselves lucky that we both remain fond of our siblings into adulthood. We look forward to seeing them. Neither Brian or I harbor feelings of animosity or jealousy towards our brothers and are happy when we hear they are doing well. If time and space permitted we would see them more often.

One day, as much as I might want another baby for me, I think eventually if we don't have another one I will grieve the lack of it more for Kaia. A brother or a sister is a special thing and I would feel she is missing out on something if she doesn't have a (living) sibling. Since I'm being honest, it almost scares me to think of Kaia being an only child. What if she's spoiled because of it? Will she grow up feeling lonely? What if she asks for a sibling, how will I answer? What if something happens to Brian and I (and eventually it will, as it does to us all)...she will be all alone. Over the past few years as I have watched my parents cope with the deaths of my grandparents, I realized the safety and security of having a sibling (or two or three) to lean on in difficult family times continues well into adulthood.

However, I'm also trying to be realistic and not romanticize the sibling bond too much. Yes, if I had my way Kaia would have at least one more (living, definitely living) sibling, who she would love and adore and get along with smashingly. Boy or girl. Doesn't matter.

But I know it doesn't always happen that way. Siblings can be a help and comfort to each other, but in some cases they can also be a down right drag. Take my good friend. Her brother has had repeated interactions with the law. He is in his 20s and didn't finish high school. He lacks motivation, is currently is out of work and seems to have no desire to find a job. While I know she loves him...I get the sense that she doesn't always like him and resents the stress he places on her and the rest of her family. There is a lot of 'eye-rolling' when his name comes up. While my friend and her brother see each other often, I wouldn't describe them as 'close'. Or take my cousins. These sisters have had repeated, lengthy fights as children, teens and adults. The kind where you don't speak to one another for days, weeks or months at a time. I'm sure awful things have been said and done on both sides. Before this past Christmas their fight involved one of these sister's children. It's sad and unfortunate to see their animosity passed along to the next generation.

I wonder sometimes would my friend and my cousins have wished to be only children? No one to fight with or resent or stress about. I wonder how much of their bad relationships with one another stems from treatment by their parents. Can one ever ensure that one's children get along? Or does it have more to do with personality clashes, birth order, or some other uncontrollable or outside factor? Individual successes, failures, personal strengths and weaknesses, and possible major illnesses can all play a part in how one views a sibling. It would be nice and certainly easier to believe that by some action on our behalf we could ensure Kaia and her younger sibling would be the best of friends, but it may not be up to us.

Then I look to only children I have known. My references for this includes a couple of my cousins, two childhood friends and the children of a few colleagues. What have their lives been like? On the whole, I would say these children have had good lives and don't seem to be especially 'lacking' for not having a sibling. One of my childhood friends did seem to be a bit 'spoiled' with a large sense of entitlement, but that could have been her personality, sibling or not. Only children I have known do seem to have more 'fringe' benefits in terms of material items, which makes sense, since an only's slice of the parental financial pie is going to be larger by virtue of not having to share.

One thing that I have observed with colleagues who have only children, is that they seem to be able to travel more easily with a single child and therefore do so more often...and not just to the standard 'child friendly' places (Disney World anyone?) This doesn't seem to just be due to financial reasons, either. Traveling with one child, whether it's by plane, train or automobile is likely easier to manage (one child, one suitcase, one stroller, one hand to hold is always easier to manage than 2). You only have to take one child's needs and schedules into account. Plus onlies I have known are often more 'adult' oriented by virtue of spending a lot of their home life with adults, thus sometimes being more interested in adult things. A only might like Disney World...but he or she might also be more inclined to like museums, interesting restaurants and historical sites than a child who has a sibling to team up with and insist "DISNEY! DISNEY! DISNEY!" I remember a colleague I knew took her young son to Italy. She had a picture on her desk of him chasing pigeons in an Italian piazza which was quite stunning...and definitely more my style of vacation than mouse-ears and fake castles.

Possibly the best part of having an only child, is the close child-parent bond that seems to develop between only children and their parents. Not that this can't happen in multi-child families, but some of the best examples I've seen of this are in only child families. My parent's friends had an only child who was my age growing up. She was very close with both her mom and her dad. She respected them, listened to them, and they to her. As a young adult her and her boyfriend would choose to spend time with her parents. They vacationed together. When, as an adult she had to move to a different city for work, her parents even considered moving too. She was their only child and they all wanted to be close to one another. It would be nice to think that Kaia will grow up and still enjoy spending time with us by virtue of us being her only immediate family.

An only child may make our lives somewhat more fulfilling in some ways as well. I really want to go back to school to get my masters and become a nurse practitioner. I really admire the work the NPs do at the hospital where I work and I can envision myself doing the same. Going back to school, while continuing to work, might be doable with two young children...but my opportunity to do so may come sooner and be made easier with only Kaia to have to consider. Having another child would mean I would be off work again on maternity leave for a year at some point. Great for raising a baby, not so great for furthering a career.

It's a lot to consider on both sides. I love having Kaia and I'm so grateful for her and if I had to choose today, I'd say "yes, definitely we want another baby"...but...if we don't...maybe that will okay too.

Are you an only? Had one sibling? One of many? Tell me what your home life was like as a child. What are your thoughts about onlies?

Issues and non-issues

2012-02-03T20:36:00.006-05:00

4 weeks casted, 8 weeks to go.

So I keep getting on here to write the second part of my "The Next" post, but it's just not flowing. Perhaps because it's difficult to even consider having another kid right now because we're currently having some difficulties with the one we've got. Nothing terrible mind you...but draining all the same.

So, apparently some of the things I thought would be a big problem come cast time are turning out to be relative non-issues. Kaia has been in the cast 4 weeks now and since we've added the puppy piddle pad 'runner' down the back of her cast we've had very few issues with 'poo-splosions'. The cast has no noticeable odor (actually it has a 'cast' type odor which is very non-offensive) and I've had relatively little problem keeping Kaia clean. Although it would be easier to pop her in the bath, I think both Kaia and I have come to enjoy her 'bed baths' on the kitchen counter. She definitely seems to enjoy the foot massage I give her at the end which is kind of cute. I'm sure her legs are nasty and dry, but since they're under the cast, it's not an issue. Dressing her has been okay too, although she does look a bit ridiculous in her over sized clothes, but we got a bunch of knock off baby legs from China (10 pair for $28!!) and they are fun to accessorize with.

It's her mood that has been more of a problem. Pre-cast Kaia use to be a very chill baby, easy to soothe and happy to just watch what's going on. I could pop her in her swing and she would happily kick and play and bat at her toys for over an hour, even fall asleep sometimes. That's how I got all of my Christmas baking done. She'd play or nap and I'd make cookies! Now, however, she wants to be entertained ALL THE TIME. This means she wants to be seated on my lap, enjoying toys or pulling at my face or gnawing on her hands or bouncing or rocking or being sung to....etc, etc. Now I'm all for having lots of fun play time, but sheesh chicky...mommy sometimes has to eat and pee ya' know. Worse is that when not being entertained she whines. A moderately pitched, back of the throat kind of whine. When you first hear it, you think "oh that's not bad"....until it's all you hear...all the time.

She has also been quicker to cry lately too. She hasn't been much of a crier up until this point, but now at least once a day (and sometimes more often) Kaia has an all out melt down cry. Where nothing will soothe: not a bottle, not a hug, not rocking or bouncing and you just have to wait it out. By the end she has exhausted herself and has tears running down her face and a snotty nose. It's so sad...and depressing to not be able to do anything to make it better.

Sleep has been the other big issue. Twice this week she's been awake until 1 am or later. Usually that was a very RARE occasion. She also use to be a fairly consistent napper in the afternoon. I'd often get her down for over an hour, sometimes even two or three. This week it's been more like cat naps. I'll put her down, go to pump and *just* finish and think "oh good, now I'll..." WAAAAAWHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *crap, never mind*

It's also hard to see other babies close to the same age as Kaia doing things like rolling over, and sitting up. She can't do any of that. She can push up a bit on her hands when she's on her tummy, but otherwise she has no ability to move on her own. I'm sure that's what's contributing to her grouchiness. I wish she was a little freer to develop some "mad baby skillz" which I could ooh and ahh over. I know she'll do all those things eventually, but until then she's more helpless than she or I would like.

On the positive side Kaia continues to have the biggest, best smile I have ever seen. She makes lots of noises including this weird 'inhale' laugh thing that I think is kind of funny but it creeps Brian out because he says it sounds like she's panicking. I think she does it because it makes us look at her and that's what she's all about lately. ATTENTION! Kaia's very social and LOVES parties where there is a lot of people around. Last weekend we were at Brian's brother's place for about 6 hours and she was a happy camper the whole time we were there and she barely even napped. I always get comments at these things like "Oh my goodness, she's just the best baby." Which she is... She just wants the party to happen EVERY DAY! ALL THE TIME! COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND ENTERTAIN ME!!! She doesn't mind being passed around to different people and seems content in everyone's arms. She's also growing really well. At her appointment to get her RSV shot this week, with a little math (7.53 kg - 1.o3 kg for the cast) we figure she weighs exactly 6.5 kg (14.3 lbs), so I'm happy with her growth.

I keep getting a push from some of her doctors to start solids since she's almost 7 months actual and 5 months adjusted. And while I'm looking forward to cutting down on the pumping, I'm kind of nervous about starting anything new while she's in the cast. Even on a purely breast-milk diet Kaia had a bit of constipation this week, and while that seems to have been resolved, it makes me a little hesitant to start adding things to her diet which are unfamiliar. The last thing we want is her MORE uncomfortable in a cast. Plus, she can't sit up easily to eat (she won't fit in a high chair so we'd have to hold her) and mushed up solid baby food = messy. Cast + messy = dirty smelly baby.

One thing we are looking forward to is that Kaia's cast change is coming up in a week and a half. I'm going to ask her surgeon if her second cast needs to be *quite* so high as part of her frustration is not being able to easily put things in her mouth due to the cast being in the way. Also it might free up her torso to move a bit which might make her happier. They have to put her under anesthesia to change the cast, which is unfortunate as it means all the prep for surgery (no milk for 4 hours beforehand)...however the cast change comes at the half way point so that means we are almost halfway done and halfway to a working hip (pleaseohpleaseohplease)!

So that's what's up with us lately.

Some pictures of Kaia in a happy mood!

The Next: Part One

2012-01-18T22:06:00.007-05:00

We spent New Year's Eve the year with boy J., girl J. and their daughter C., who I mentioned in this post. C was born in June after Aidan died. She is now a very advanced 18 month old who already knows many of her letters and is close to being potty trained.

Impressive as hell, right?

Anyway, since they have done such an awesome job of turning baby #1 into a smart little toddler, J. and J. have announced that they are planning on trying for baby #2 at the end of this month.

*Sigh*

Now, while I am genuinely happy for them, and look forward to the day that I can meet J. & J.'s second amazing offspring, I can't help thinking "here we go again". Hearing about others pregnancies and births doesn't carry quite the same sting that it did for most of 2010 and 2011, but I do still feel a little twinge. Not because I necessarily want to that to be ME right now...but because I don't know if I will ever have that opportunity again.

It really hit home this morning when Brian dismantled the bassinet that we had set up in our room. Kaia's time as a newborn is over. She might be my one and only (living) baby and she's already growing up and moving away....right down the hall to her own room of course...but still...

Part of my sadness about her being in the cast is that she's not my squishy baby right now. She's heavy, and awkward, and cuddling with her is kind of like cuddling a brick. I'm just sad that if Kaia is the only baby I ever get to raise, we will have spent 19 weeks of her first year (over 1/3) having to love on her via a hospital visit or through a cast.

Knowing the difficulty we had in having a family is probably why I get asked "are you guys planning on having another child?" in such a hushed and solemn tone of voice. People want to know, and I don't mind them asking...however...

I really don't know how to answer this question.

Actually, no that's not true. I DO know how to answer this question, but it involves launching into a long complicated pro/con discussion that goes a little something like this:

I would love another child. I always wanted at least two (living) children and I currently haven't met my intended quota. However, after two disastrous pregnancies, we are understandably a little hesitant to leap into that unknown.

If we are looking at it in terms of MY health, then I feel confident my body could handle another pregnancy. My heart did well in both pregnancies, and my cardiologists were impressed with my recovery. I could currently use a whole lot of toning and strengthening and some cardio, but that's nothing getting back to work, the gym and chasing Kaia around when she can walk won't cure. I don't know how long I would want to put off another pregnancy in terms of my heart. I'm going to be 30 this year, and I think the younger I am when attempting a pregnancy the better. So if this were the deciding factor, I'd say we'd be trying for baby #2 within the next 2 years.

Oh, how I wish that were the only consideration...but alas...

If we are looking at it in terms of the prospective baby, then that puts a whole new spin on things. We currently have NO idea why I developed a Breus mole placenta in both pregnancies, which probably led to my water breaking WAY too early in both cases. The first time, my team of doctors considered it a fluke...the second time they pretty much shrugged their collective shoulders and said "huh, well maybe it's genetic". Yeah great, awesome deduction guys! We just don't know how 'heritable' this condition is. ie: how likely is it to happen again? 100%, 50%, 10%? Also I don't know if we can do anything to modify this risk. Certain supplements I could take? Certain medications? Certain medications I should STOP taking? I think I'd like to talk to Dr. K., the placenta specialist again, before any decisions are made, but my feeling is that any pregnancy we embark upon will be done with the caution that 'it might happen again'.

And, I don't know if we could handle that.

How could I embark on another pregnancy with the knowledge that there is a certain (small, medium, large, extra large?) chance that pPROM could happen again, causing the possible death/disability of theoretical baby #3? Is that fair to the baby? Is that fair to us? Brian and I and our families still have such sadness in our hearts for Aidan. We feel such loss for him and for ourselves. How could I chance that again?

Of course, if they had told us after Aidan was born that we had a good chance of having another pPROM caused by a Breus mole, then we may have decided against any future pregnancies. In which case we would not have Kaia. She has brought such light and love into our lives, and despite a few set backs (prematurity, her hip), she is a very healthy, happy girl. So, how could I NOT chance that again?

Then there is the physical toll that pregnancy took on my body other than my heart. I think my current back problems still stem from all the bed rest and the strength that I lost during that time. I remember on the night before Kaia was born, when they told me I was going for my C-section within the next 12 to 24 hours. In amongst the 8000 thoughts that were flying through my head was this one: THANK GOD, TOMORROW BED REST ENDS!!! I'm NEVER doing this shit again!!!!

But if I was pregnant again and things went the same way my last two pregnancies did, how could I NOT agree to do bed rest? How could I deny the best possible care for theoretical baby #3 that I did for Aidan and Kaia? I don't know if bed rest was what got Aidan to 23 weeks and Kaia to 32 weeks, but it probably didn't hurt. Both Brian and I know, that faced with that situation again, we'd probably do the same thing. Emily in bed doing next to nothing (and relying on EI for money). Brian at work and doing all the chores and having to shoulder a large part of the financial burden. Only this time we would have Kaia to consider. Not sure how mommy on complete bed rest for weeks on end with a small child would go, but I'm sure it would only complicate matters.

The main issue I have is that we don't know why it happened, twice. Once could be a fluke, twice and I begin to question if something is wrong with us. But if something IS wrong with us...what IS that something?

Is there something wrong with my baby-making parts? Does my heart affect blood flow in a way that causes pPROM? Does my short luteal phase point to a deeper problem that is, as yet, undiscovered? If we put our genetic material into another person via surrogacy, would that make a difference? It seems like a hell of an expensive shot to take, and I don't know if I could, in good conscience ask another woman to risk that for us.

If it is strictly genetic and the 'vessel' doesn't matter could those embryos with self-destructive placentas be 'weeded' out with pre-implantation diagnosis? If that was possible, then we could start saving our pennies for IVF. Or, if it's one of us that carries a 'defective' placenta making gene, then maybe we should consider either sperm or egg donation. Not sure about those logistics in Canada, and not sure how I feel about our child being genetically linked to only one of us, but it would be another avenue to consider.

Or, if the problem is genetic, and we can't figure out a high tech way around it and we don't want to risk another placenta going 'kaplooie', then maybe adoption would be right for us.

As you can see, there is a lot to consider. I would LOVE another baby some day, and a chance at a 'normal' pregnancy. But, unlike J. & J. who seem to be focusing solely on the financial and organizational logistics of having a second child, I feel like we have a lot more to consider.

And a hell of a bigger risk to take.

People rarely solicit advice on their personal blogs, but I'm going to do just that. Pretend you're me. Would you risk it again?

Castdom

2012-01-16T21:50:00.004-05:00

1 1/2 weeks in cast, 11 weeks to go.

While Kaia is adjusting fairly well to cast-dom, I must admit I'm having a harder time with it. I hate seeing my baby wrapped up in fiberglass (casts are now made out of fiberglass and lined with a soft padding rather than plaster). I hate that she is no longer squishy and cuddly and it bothers me how difficult it is to change her. We have had a few poo-splosion and honestly, they suck. I change her bum many more times per day than I use to pre-cast, but I know that sometimes she has leaks and it BOTHERS me to NO END that pee and poop may at this very moment be sitting next her delicate baby skin and I can't CLEAN IT PROPERLY!!! I can do nothing but try to shove the diaper as far as I can up the hole left open around her lady parts and wipe the inner cast lining that I can reach like crazy when the diaper leaks.

The big problem is that the cast comes up so high. Kaia can chew on the on top part of the cast. It stretches from under her arms down to her ankles with cut outs at her belly and her diaper area. I've seen other babies in spica casts and their casts don't come up nearly so high. I don't know why Kaia's is so large, but it's something I want to talk to them about when she gets her cast changed on February 13th (the cast gets changed once at the half way mark). It probably had to be that high to stabilize her hip, but damn if it doesn't make EVERYTHING so much harder. It's so high, she can't put her arms down to her sides and I can't comfortably breast feed anymore. Not that we breast fed a lot, but usually once or twice a day I'd let her have a bit of a nibble...now we're strictly on bottles because I can't hold a stiff 7 kg kid at breast height for any length of time. Kaia is wickedly heavy in the cast and she can't lay on her side on a pillow as her legs stick out in frog position.

My back has been the other big issue. I've had a sore back for months now and I think I'm really going to have to go for some chiropractor or physio help. The jump that Kaia had from 6 to 7 kg overnight didn't help matters, and it puts a lot more strain on my back now that she's so stiff. No longer can she 'meld' into my body like babies do when you hold them. She's basically like an armor clad starfish.

I know I'm going on and on about this, but in my real life people don't really seem to get it. Even Brian is like "it's not so bad". Everyone keeps saying things like "well it's only for a few months" and "at least it's not life threatening" and "it's a good thing she's a baby, she won't even remember it". My answer to the first is that a FEW MONTHS is a very long time when it's something you have to deal with every single minute of every single day. The cast wouldn't be as bad if we could remove it, even for short periods, but it's a constant thing that has changed many of our daily routines with her.

And yes, of course I'm glad it's not something life threatening...because OH YEAH, we dealt with that LAST YEAR!!! And it was AWFUL. So yes, I understand life threatening, and yes, I'm glad this isn't, but I don't think it's too much to ask to have the words 'normal' and 'healthy' attached to your kid rather that "dislocated left hip".

The one that really gets me is the 'good thing she's a baby' comment. Because yes, it's SO much better that she can't tell me what is bothering her (sarcasm) and I have to guess from the intensity of her whining how serious it is. It's like people think babies are somehow unaware of their environment and 'get use to things' easier than an older child or adult. Honestly, I think that's baloney. Kaia has definitely been more crabby and fussy since going into her cast, and it's not like I can explain to her why she's in it or how it's helping her. All she knows is she can't move her legs and she can't reach her toys like she use to and mommy no longer breastfeeds her or is able to hold her close. Being immobile sucks at any age, which I feel particularly sympathetic to (HELLO BED REST) and causes your body to hurt in ways you never thought possible.

I also wonder what the cast is doing her her psychologically. Maybe nothing. But I wonder if it will affect her mood or personality down the line? I know being in the hospital affected me a lot as a child (although I was older), so whose to say 3 months in a body cast before the age of 1 won't 'scar' her mentally.

Anyway, I know we'll get through it. It's not like we have a choice. It just feels like a very long time, especially now that winter has really set in here. There are no holidays or family parties to look forward to, and I'm fairly house-bound with a heavy, poopy, crabby baby.

Doesn't that sound like a party?

***Update***

The above was written on Saturday. I never get my posts up the same day I write them anymore as I get interrupted by Kaia demands before I have time to proof read or spell check, so I figured I would update in the same post and let you know that we've found somewhat of a solution to the poopy problem.

Yesterday Brian bought a whole box of puppy 'piddle pads'. You know the thin plastic backed absorbent sheets that you use while house-breaking your dog? Yeah those. Brian had the ingenious idea to cut them into 8ths (so they are about 4 inches wide) to act as a 'runner' down Kaia's back to rest between her and the lining of the cast. We tape them lightly to back outside of her cast, then thread them down the back, absorbent side towards her skin, where they emerge from the poop hole cut out in the cast. Then the diaper gets shoved between the piddle pad runner and her bum. If she happens to have a poop that shoots up her back, it lands on the runner and not the cast! We've been sticking with this set up for over 24 hours now and I haven't had to wipe poop out of the cast once. YES!

Also, I made a chiropractor appointment for tomorrow. I'm excited to hopefully get rid of this awful back pain.

And now for some pictures which someone asked for.

The first two pictures are of Kaia 'undressed' except for the diaper shoved in her 'diaper hole'. A larger (size 5) diaper goes over the whole thing to help contain everything, although it doesn't get dirty that often. The second two pictures are her in my new favourite outfit. Brian got her these knock off Baby Legs for Christmas and I love how bright they are. And yes, it does look like Kaia has giant Dolly Parton boobs when she's dressed. Since clothes have to stretch to fit over the cast she's in size 6 to 12 months even though she's 4 months corrected and prior to the cast was just outgrowing all of her 0-3 month clothes.

Without further ado, Kaia, in all her cast glory!

Spica Hell: Suck fest 2012

2012-01-10T19:59:00.003-05:00

Cast day 5.

Every year for the past few years we seem to get lobbed a shitty circumstance that is totally out of the ordinary to what other people 'generally' have to deal with and Brian and I and our families have to navigate through it and hope like hell we can hold it together.

Now so far, the spica cast hasn't been quite the same hell that a dead baby (2010) and an endangered pregnancy and subsequent 50 day NICU stay (2011) was...but hey, we're less than 2 weeks into January!

Last Friday Kaia went in to surgery at around 11am. Brian and I found this step more stressful than we had anticipated. I was awake since 3:15 that morning because I couldn't sleep and we had Kaia up at 5:45am to eat her last bottle before she was "NPO" (nil per os = no food, a fancy way to describe torture to a baby). It was really weird walking into the hospital where I work and being the parent of a child having surgery. One of the nurses I use to work with was the first person I saw walking into the day surgery unit where Kaia was scheduled that morning and I hadn't seen her since I left the NICU in 2010. She didn't know about either Aidan and Kaia, so after regaling her with that long story (and almost having her in tears), she made a big fuss about how cute Kaia was and how this spica cast thing won't come close to the ordeals we've had in the past.

True...I guess...but it's still pretty sucky.

After Kaia's surgery we were whisked down for an urgent MRI. Apparently Kaia had woken up from the anesthetic in the recovery room screaming, and they were afraid something was wrong with her hip position. However, the MRI went well and the hip is in place in the cast. Now we just have to wait 12 weeks and hope that her pelvic bone grows sufficiently around the ball of her femer creating a working hip.

We brought her home the next day (Saturday), and it's only today (Tuesday) that Kaia seems more herself. Last night was the worst night yet. She was SO upset and cried from about 10:30pm to 1:30am and finally fell asleep only after we dosed her with the morphine the hospital gave us a prescription for. Kaia's never been exactly 'easy' to settle at night, but this was TOTALLY over the top. I was one dose of morphine away from calling the orthopedic resident on call at the hospital and yelling at him "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SWEET BABY?"

Let's hope tonight's a better night and Kaia returns to her happy normal self.

Cuz if not, this is going to be a LOOOONNNNGGGG 3 months.

New Year

2012-01-01T17:30:00.004-05:00

We started the New Year off right last night by having our friends J & J over and their daughter C, who is 18 months old. It was a lot of fun and I had a good New Years. Much better than last year, where I was 5 weeks pregnant, had an ear ache, was afraid to take Tylenol and couldn't wait to pour myself into bed.

We've really made the most of the holidays this year. On December 27th we packed up Kaia and all her crap (3 small bags, 2 giant suitcases, 1 stroller and car seat and a partridge in a pear tree) and traveled 6 hours in the car to visit Brian's grandmother, returning home on the 29th. Grandma is 90 and in the hospital. Brian hadn't seen her in 5 years, I've only met her a handful of times and she's only seen pictures of Kaia. After my grandmother died this past summer, we felt it was important for Kaia to meet her last remaining great-grandparent. I still feel badly that I never went to see my grandmother in the hospital after she broke her hip and before she died, so as much as it was a lot of work, it was worth the trip to make Brian's grandmother's day.

Kaia had an excellent (and busy) Christmas Day. Didn't get much of a nap, but what kid does on Christmas? She got lots of toys and clothes and a rocking horse to use when she's older. We did put her on it and got this face:

And this one:Kaia has really found her voice the past few weeks. We now get screeching and babbling and even some real laughter. She really likes it when she has the hiccups and you imitate her by making 'hiccup' noises. She thinks it's hilarious and so do we.

Now that it's officially January, we are in countdown to cast day. It's only 5 days away. I'm hoping it's going to be easier and less stressful than I'm fearing. It's just that the cast feels so intrusive. Like it will change everything we've gotten use to and feel comfortable doing with our baby. She will have to be diapered differently, sleep in a different place, won't fit in the same clothes, and we'll need to buy or rent a car seat that will fit her. We won't even be able to carry her the same way. She can't be held under her arms; we have to pick her up under her cast to avoid it pulling down on her body. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, but it's hard now when cast day is so close. I'm sure we'll get use to it...it just that it sucks that we'll HAVE to get use to it.

Despite this cast business, I must say I feel more positive and upbeat looking forward to 2012. I have so much to be grateful for and am looking forward to learning about Kaia's personality as she grows. I'm hoping this year will bring us a more peaceful, routine lifestyle. I hope we will feel calmer, happier, more prosperous and less stressed and sad than we were for most of 2010 and 2011. So far, it's looking good!

Onward 2012!

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T15:55:00.002-05:00

One year ago today, I woke up early to make sure that my pregnancy test was negative before stopping the Progesterone. To my utter surprise, it was positive. It felt like a Christmas miracle...that went totally off the rails come March.

Yet here we are one year later. Preparing once again for the Christmas festivities at our relatives' houses, but having to take into account nap times, pumping schedules, diaper bags, and bringing extra changes of clothes in case of 'poo-splosions'.

It's wonderful.

This year has been a crazy ride. From the highest of highs to the lowest of the black, deep, dark pits, and back into the light again. I feel so incredibly grateful for life to be as good as it is right now.

I often look back on this last year and wonder "how the hell did we get so lucky?!!" Because we did. I know we did. When I think of all the terrible things that could have gone wrong between the time of my water breaking, to when Kaia was born, I shutter and internally shy away from remembering those awful weeks. I still to this day cannot read my blog posts between March 24th and July 9th of this year. It just brings back the hurt and the fear, and I'm not ready to mentally revisit that time yet.

People often wonder why bad things happen to them. I know I did after Aidan died. Why did he die? Why my son? Why him? Why our family? But the other side of that, is of course, questioning why do good things happen to us? Why did Kaia live? Why did we get so lucky? Why did she beat the statistics and come out (almost, dislocated hip aside) perfect? The nurse practitioner I was telling my story to at Kaia's pre-anesthesia appointment this week said that 'it gave her chills'.

Too true, lady.

I don't know why things worked out so well for us the 2nd time around. I don't know if it's something I did or didn't do. I don't know if it was luck or genetics or fate, or some combination thereof. If so, why did Kaia have it and Aidan didn't? I will never know...but I am eternally grateful for the life and health of my second child. And I'm so happy to be celebrating the holidays with my wonderful husband, and little miracle girl.

I hope all of you out there in blog land find some peace and joy in your lives this holiday season.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

And sloppy, drooly, kisses from Kaia.

Have you ever questioned why you got 'lucky' either baby-making or otherwise? How did you reconcile yourself to the fact that others don't?

Twelfth Night

2011-12-15T21:20:00.003-05:00

It's 10 days 'til Christmas and Twelfth Night occurs 12 days after Christmas (January 6th). Twelfth Night has religious and historical significance, and is the name of a very funny play by William Shakespeare which I really enjoyed reading in Grade 9.

This coming Twelfth Night has now taken on a different significance...

It's the date set for Kaia's surgery and casting.

And it's only 3 weeks away!

The surgeon's secretary called me yesterday to tell me the date and I about fell off my chair. I was thinking we weren't going to be scheduled until February at the earliest. I figured I would have some time after Christmas to start thinking and planning for 'cast time'...but it will be here before I know it.

On the one hand, it will be good to get it over with as soon as possible. The sooner the cast goes on, the sooner it will come off. With Kaia being casted in early January, she should be out of it by early April. She would have been in a cast well into May if we started in February. Also, January, February and March are easily the worst weather months here in Canada, (unless you like to ski), so it won't be such a chore to stay indoors.

On the other hand...

MY BABY IS GOING TO BE IN A BODY CAST FOR 3 MONTHS!

No more squishy baby hugs.
No more cute outfits unmarred by the unsightly cast.
No more baths.
No more easy, snap in and out car seat.
No more sleeping in the bassinet in our room. She won't fit, and will have to move to her own crib.
No more easy diaper changes.
No more 'aww, look at the cute baby' when we go out. I'm sure instead we'll get looks of pity and possibly suspicion that Kaia was in some way dropped or hurt. ie: Why is your BABY in a CAST?

It's only 3 months, but when your kid is currently only 5 months old...3 months seems like a LONG time.

Then I remember that kid is Kaia, who after surviving this last year and earning the title "the girl who lived", laughs in the face of 3 months in a body cast.

It's just her parents who will have to get use to the idea.

Boob Juice

2011-12-13T21:43:00.000-05:00

After that first month home with Kaia where I was desperately trying to breastfeed I have basically given up the ghost. My girl, besides the occasional boob snack, is a bottle fed baby and I'm an exclusive pumper. I never really wanted to be in this camp, but here we are and generally it's working out. I remember thinking prior to having a baby "why would anyone want to bottle feed? You have to get up in the middle of the night, walk down stairs, heat up the bottle and then walk back up stairs. Wouldn't it just be easier (and cheaper!!!) to pull the baby into bed with you and breastfeed??!" HA! Jokes on me. Now I have to do all the work of a formula fed baby PLUS stay up an extra 30 minutes or more after Kaia goes back to sleep while I pump. Fun times.

The thing about being an exclusive pumper is that you become a little obsessed with breast milk and it's production. So I decided to devote a whole post to my boob juice!

I've recently dropped to 6 pumps per day. I pump around 5:30am, 10amish, 1pm, 4pm, 8pm and 11pm...but it's all adjustable based on what's going on that day. I started out pumping 8x a day, every 3 hours, when Kaia was first born and then dropped to 7 around the time of my grandmother's funeral in August. It's gotten easier to fit pumping into my life with each dropped session. I feel pretty safe that I'll be able to keep Kaia exclusively on breast milk for the foreseeable future as I haven't seen a huge drop in production as I've dropped pumps. According to a lactation consultant I met, your breast milk production is established in the first 6-12 weeks postpartum. Meaning that if you pump (or breastfeed) till you drop those first weeks, you'll reap the rewards of high milk production down the line.

My current long term plan is to keep Kaia exclusively on breast milk until 6 months corrected (so early March) when I will start some solids, however I don't know how this whole spica cast business is going to fit into our lives, so we'll have to see how easy pumping and dealing with Kaia is once we are in a cast in February.

Until Kaia came home from the hospital I was tracking how much I pumped per day to the milliliter (Brian has an app for that). I think I maxed out at around 1200 mls a day (about 42 oz), and currently pump about a 1L (35 oz). Kaia has never taken more than that in a day and I hope I'm safe with aiming for that as my daily goal. Kellymom, a site devoted to breastfeeding and breast milk has studies posted that show breastfed babies usually level out in their breast milk demands at an average of 75o mls/day around 1 month, and stay pretty stable until 6 months when it starts to decrease if you introduce solids. I would say this has shown to be pretty accurate for Kaia. She might eat more per bottle, but is having less bottles per day (and sleeping longer at night!! YEAH!!!)

Many women find they begin to know their bodies better when they start to track their ovulation cycles. Cervical mucus, headaches, breast tenderness, sex drive and period duration can be tracked ad nauseum if you're into that sort of thing (or if you HAVE to be into that sort of thing if you're TTC and it's not happening as quickly as you'd like). Now that I have a kid who I pump for, I have another body function I can watch and track until my heart's content. For example. I can tell when I haven't been drinking enough fluids just by how full my boobs are between pump sessions. If they aren't as 'full feeling' and my let down is slower at my next pump session, I know I need to drink more. Stress also affects these things. If I'm tense or trying to 'hurry' through a pumping session you can bet it's going to take FOREVER to get my usual volumes.

I can also tell you 'fun facts' about breast milk just by my own observations. A friend of mine who exclusively breastfed was talking to me about the prenatal class she went to prior to her daughter's birth. She said she didn't find it very helpful because they couldn't answer many of her questions. One of which was "how long does it take for your 'hind' milk (the fatty stuff) to start to flow when you are feeding?" I could now tell her that it depends on how long you've gone since your last feed (or pump) and how much milk is available overall. The larger the amount of milk to be fed or pumped (such as in the morning after sleeping 6 hours), the larger proportion of it will be watery 'foremilk'. In the morning I usually pump about 300 mls overall and the first 30 mls or so is pretty watery. However later in the day, when I might pump 150 mls, maybe only the first 10 or 15 mls or so is foremilk.

When you refrigerate pumped milk it separates out as it's not homogenized, which is done to cow's milk before it's sold. So human milk in a container will have the 'watery' milk on the bottom and will look almost clear. Then gradually it will get 'whiter' closer to the top. If you've left it in the fridge for longer than a few hours, the fat will separate out and form almost a 'paste' at the top. Brian finds it funny that sometimes this fat layer is so thick that when the milk is turned on its side, it takes a second for liquid milk underneath to 'break through' the fat barrier, creating a 'glop' sound. If you shake the milk the fat is quickly mixed in and the whole container will look like 'normal' milk again. I like looking at the fat at the top and thinking "see...that's the cookies I ate earlier today!" It's fun to see the fat come off me and be transferred into Kaia's cheeks!

Speaking of fat, the calorie content of breast milk is about 20 Calories per oz. So if Kaia is eating 750 mls a day (25 oz) then she is getting about 500 Calories per day. That's about 42 Calories per lb of body weight since she's about 12 lbs. If I had the same metabolism and was growing at the rate Kaia was growing this means I could eat about 5460 Calories per day. Think of all the Christmas goodies that is!

I pump using an Ameda Purely Yours double electric pump. The most popular one these days seems to be Medela as it's sold at Baby's R Us but I've been happy with my Ameda. The customer service was really good when I had to have a part replaced, so that was nice. It's held up very well too considering how much I use it, and it's pretty easy to clean all the parts which is good. I recently did the math and figuring out the number of pumps I do per day, and how long I've been pumping, I've used the pump over 1000 times. One thing that exclusive pumpers should be aware of is that if you suddenly notice a drop in supply, check the parts on your pump. They can wear out over time (as anything made out of plastic does), and may need to be replaced. Pumps and their parts aren't cheap either, mine (with the shoulder bag and cooler bag and extra bottles) was over $300 and I've spent about $50 on replacement parts since then. I'm hoping to get some money back through my insurance as the pump was considered 'medically necessary' due to Kaia's prematurity.

The thing I find hardest about pumping is 'what do I do with Kaia while I pump?' It's a challenge, I'll admit that. Generally when I wake up, it's because she's crying for food. However, as soon as I'm up my boobs start leaking everywhere...so what do I do first? Feed her or pump? Answer? I do both at the same time. First I get up and put on my pumping bra with the breast pads inside to keep me from getting my shirt all wet. Then we go down stairs and heat up a bottle and change her. Then I get my pump parts all set up and in position in the pumping bra. Then I put the boppy pillow on my lap and lay Kaia on it. She eats, while I pump and then we chat or she naps until I'm finished. I prefer not to feed and pump at the same time as it can be kind of awkward, but I do what I have to do during the week. On the weekend it's easier as Brian can feed her if I have to pump.

Speaking of Brian, I think that is the one benefits of exclusively pumping over exclusively breastfeeding. Brian is much more involved in Kaia's care and general well-being because he can bottle feed her. He spends more time with her and is comfortable looking after her on his own. I don't know if that would be the case if she had taken to breastfeeding. I'm glad that Kaia can be looked after by her Dad in the evenings and on weekends as it gives me a break, and I hope that it is the start of a special Daddy-daughter relationship.

If anyone has any questions about exclusively pumping I'd love to try to answer them. It has been challenging to be an exclusive pumper, but I'm so grateful it is working out and Kaia's getting the best I can give her!

Forewarned

2011-12-04T20:00:00.004-05:00

Friday night I couldn't sleep. Earlier in the evening we had watched the movie "The Help". I had read the book and was looking forward to seeing the movie. Brian was sitting watching with me and he seemed to be enjoying it....until we got to the part where Celia has her miscarriage in the bathroom. As she's burying the box in the backyard under a rosebush, Brian turns to me and says "Why didn't you warn me?"

Ah yes. Woman laying on the floor. Blood soaking the bathroom. That is a sore spot.

So Friday night as I lay in bed I couldn't help thinking about Aidan, and how the next day, Saturday December 3rd was the 2 year anniversary of my positive pregnancy test with him. I remember that day so clearly. I was so excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Relieved. I never, ever, could have guessed what would happen over the next couple of months. And I wondered, would I have wanted to be forewarned? In that moment when those two lines popped into existence, would I have wanted to know what was coming next? Probably not. Getting that positive test is like jumping off a cliff. You can't go back, so why ruin the moment?

Christmas this year will be easier than last year...but not perfect.

Never perfect.

The Plague

2011-11-25T22:17:00.007-05:00

So the plague has hit our house this week. Okay, not really a plague, but Brian was sick with a cold and home from work for three days and I am currently starting to have a sore throat. I'm hoping it doesn't develop into anything, but that's how Brian's cold started so I'm less than hopeful.

I'm worried, of course, about Kaia becoming ill, but there is little I can do. Brian tried to stay away from both of us this week. He slept on the couch downstairs and didn't hold Kaia for almost 3 days. Of course now with us both feeling less than stellar, one of us is going to have to look after her, cold be damned! I'm just hoping Purelling the hell out of our hands, breast milk antibodies and avoiding baby kisses is going to keep her well.

But it's hard to avoid baby kisses.

Especially when your baby looks like this:

My Twi-life

2011-11-19T23:04:00.008-05:00

I had a bit of a surreal experience last night.

I'm sitting in the theater watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

Bella finds out she's pregnant. All hell breaks loose.

I've read the books. I knew beforehand what was going to happen.

But as the movie starts in on the fantastical drama surrounding a human giving birth to a half vampire fetus...I'm literally nodding my head. The emotions, even some of the depicted scenes and events surrounding this crazy birth were so much like those surrounding both Aidan's and especially Kaia's pregnancies that it was weird.

Bella...camped out on the couch, fearing harm to half vampire baby.
Emily...camped out on the couch, fearing to harm to human baby.

Bella...unnaturally ill and sore from growing half vampire baby.
Emily...unnaturally tired and sore due to bed rest and heart defect while growing human baby.

Bella...lying on medical table while doctor tells her awful fate of both her and half-vampire baby.
Emily...lying on medical table while doctor tells her awful fate of human baby, and possible resulting maternal complications.

Bella...unable to find out sex (or anything useful) about vampire baby even with modern technology.
Emily...unable to find out sex (or anything useful regarding possible health) of human baby even with modern technology.

Bella...ghostly pale due to growing nutrient sucking vampire baby.
Emily...ghostly pale due to being stuck inside growing human baby and never getting any Vitamin D (or a tan) from sunshine.

Bella...daring to persevere with half vampire baby pregnancy despite medical risks.
Emily...daring to persevere with human baby pregnancy despite medical risks.

Bella...fearing she'll never get another chance to have husband's baby if this one is taken away.
Emily...fearing she'll never get another chance to have husband's baby if this one dies.

Bella...requiring help from vampire sister-in-law to shower.
Emily...requiring help from husband to shower.

Bella...gulping down liters of blood to sustain half vampire baby's nutritional needs.
Emily...gulping down liters of water to sustain human baby's amniotic fluid.

Bella...hiding from friends and family knowing they won't understand desire to carry half vampire baby.
Emily...hiding from friends and family knowing they won't understand medical complications of carrying human baby.

Bella...trying to be the brave little soldier while dealing with pregnancy complications.
Emily...(sometimes) trying to be the brave little solider while dealing with pregnancy complications.

The Cullens...freaked out while trying to cope and be brave for Bella.
My family...freaked out while trying to cope and be brave for me.

Bella and Edward...fearing what this little hybrid is going to look like, but knowing they'll love it anyway because it is theirs.
Emily and Brian...fearing what this squashed little baby is going to look like, but knowing they'll love it anyway because it is theirs.

Bella and Edward...trying to bond with half human/half vampire baby during pregnancy while fearing Bella's demise.
Emily and Brian...trying to bond with human baby during pregnancy while fearing its demise.

The delivery scene at the end literally gave me goose bumps just because it brought back the emotions I had in the delivery room with Kaia. The fear for myself, the fear for Kaia, the bodily disconnect....

...the not knowing what the hell was going to happen after it was all over.

And yet for some crazy reason, it was great to see. Because here it was, finally depicted on screen: A pregnancy experience I could relate to!

Anything pregnancy related I see these days in TV, movies or in the media always feel so far removed from what my experience was that I have a hard time even reading about it. Pregnancy is almost always shown as a healthy, empowering, stressful-but-exciting time in a woman's life. I felt none of that. I felt ill, hopeless, disheartened, and anything but excited for what was going to come. I was bone deep scared.

And while both Bella's pregnancy outcome and my (2nd) pregnancy outcome were as positive as one could have hoped for under the circumstances...it doesn't negate the absolute terror of the lived experience.

It's just kind of funny that my real life pregnancy experience more closely correlates with that of a melodramatic fantasy film than is does to any other movie I've ever seen.

Weird.

Conundrum

2011-11-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Something has been bothering me lately. And when that occurs, I have to write about it in order to sort it out in my head.

It has been bothering me that Aidan's absence hasn't been bothering me as much as it use to.

At first I put this down to having Kaia. I was and continue to be so grateful for her life, her survival, her health. At first I was convinced that my joy over Kaia was currently just over ridding my sadness over Aidan's death. Surely, eventually, the sadness over his loss will return in full force. Maybe even stronger, because now I get to feel his loss not just for Brian and I, but for Kaia too.

Then I figured that maybe it's just because I'm so busy with Kaia. When 80-90% of your waking day is filled with either holding, changing, feeding, or pumping for your child, other thoughts have a harder time crowding in. I feel like before Kaia, I lived in my head a lot. I had the time to do so. I thought a lot about my life, about Aidan, about my two disastrous pregnancies and about his loss. Since she's been home, and especially since Brian has gone back to work, I don't get much of a break. It leaves little time for thinking deep thoughts beyond "did I forget to put that load of laundry in the dryer? and "what am I going to make for dinner tonight?"

But maybe it's not either of those things.

Maybe it's just true. Maybe I really don't feel the same level of sadness or loss when I think about him. Or when things happen that remind me of 'what should have been'. I can pass little boys in the street without wondering "is that what Aidan would have looked like?" I can plan, attend and enjoy family gatherings without thinking of who is missing. Kaia's room, which would have been Aidan's, has become wholly hers. I don't sit in it and think about whose room it might have been. It only gives me a bit of a twinge that my sister in law will deliver a baby in February who I suspect is a boy. If it's a boy, he will not only share the same last name as Aidan, but he will grow up in our family and will have and be and do all the things that Aidan never will. Maybe the thing that bothers me the most is that I don't cry over his loss like I use to.

And that makes me sad.

Almost without noticing I feel I have somehow entered another phase of grief. I don't know whether it is Kaia, or my own personal growth or simply time which has caused this shift, but I feel it. The intensity of his loss has lessened.

Initially after his death I felt like I was no longer living. I was surviving, dragging myself through each day. It felt like I was just 'getting by' for a long time. Nothing held the meaning it use to. I was sad about a lot of things, apathetic about the rest. And here, just over a year and a half later, I feel...good. His absence is now almost entirely bearable.

But how can that be? He was my CHILD. How can my life feel so full, so rich, so normal without him here? Shouldn't I continue to hurt and grieve and rail at fate for the lack of him? Shouldn't it burn more? Sting more? His absence felt like a jagged open wound in the wake of his death. Surely that couldn't have healed over? A good mother wouldn't have let it. A good mother would never be happy without all her children surrounding her.

Sometimes I worry that I don't miss him more because he was little. Very prematurely little. As if somehow the 23 weeks and 3 day that he existed wasn't enough time to indelibly mark my soul in a way that wouldn't heal in his absence. That if he had 'lasted' longer, been a full term baby, or a one year old, or a 10 year old, I would miss him more. Could that be it? We only spent 54 minutes together with both of us alive. Maybe it wasn't enough time.

Maybe Kaia really has 'made up' for Aidan in ways that I never wanted her to. Maybe what I craved was only a living baby all along. Maybe it didn't matter who that living baby was. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think that if that was all I really wanted...then maybe he wasn't as special, as needed, as loved, as I always thought he was.

But then I think, no, that's not right either. His picture, his urn, his little plaster foot moulds wouldn't mean so much to me if that were true. If he was just A BABY and not MY BABY, I wouldn't cherish those remnants of him as deeply as I do.

So if I really did, and still do, love him as much as I remember then it stands to reason that I could lose so much more...and still be okay. My house, my job, my friends, my family, my husband, my living child...what if they were all stripped away? Would it only take a year and a half to live in happiness with ANY loss? That doesn't seem right. I absolutely dread the thought of anything happening to upset my corner of the world...but when it happened last year, I lived. I survived. I even have begun to thrive.

It feels like a conundrum. I hold on so tightly to who and what I have right now...yet I seem to be living proof that you can lose what is most precious to you and still enjoy life.

It seems somehow like it shouldn't be that way.

But I'm glad it is.

Does this apply to you? Does it make you sad that it does (or doesn't)?

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T16:18:00.002-04:00

Happy Halloween from my little pumpkin!

Walk the Line

2011-10-28T22:57:00.009-04:00

I've jumped on my blog probably a dozen times in the past week to write a post, but things always seem to get in the way. Either Kaia needs feeding or changing or just wants to be held, or I need to pump, or wash bottles, or do chores, or eat or sleep.

Those are all excuses however. What is really keeping me from writing is the sense of not being sure where I fit in. I no longer need this as an outlet to write about the disasters in my life, because really, comparatively, I don't have any. While Kaia's upcoming surgery and casting will (I'm sure) occupy a few (or more) blog posts, there isn't the sense of 'dire-ness' that has plagued me for the last two years. My complaints would be of a much more mundane nature, which I'm afraid come off sounding whiny and ungrateful.

I think this is the hardest thing about being both a dead baby/living baby mommy that I have experienced. I don't feel guilty about Kaia's pPROM issues and I don't feel badly about her prematurity. Those were things I could not control and we have and continue to deal with them as best we can. What I do feel badly about is sometimes, when Kaia wakes me up for the 3rd time in one night, or when she won't fall asleep until well after midnight, or I'm pumping for the 7th time in a day, or I'm washing my 2nd or 3rd round of bottles...I sometimes forget how lucky I am. Sometimes I am decidedly crabby. And that makes me feel guilty.

I suppose I naively thought, since I usually had not one but two sick needy newborns under my care in the NICU, I would have this baby stuff down cold. Change diapers? No problem. Bottle feed? Cake. Wipe up spit up? Sure, bring it on. But it's different when you don't get to clock out at the end of a twelve hour shift, and there are no days off. I also thought that my dead child, and my disastrous pregnancies would somehow make me more tolerant and appreciative. I would be like Glinda the good witch, calm and serene in my fluffy white dress and crown, able to float above it all in my happy soap bubble. I would laugh (or titter behind my white gloved hand) in the face of little sleep, a messy house, and a fussy baby. It's harder than it looks though. Sometimes I feel more like the Wicked Witch of the West. Green, and warty and crabby as hell. In the long term I guess I probably am more appreciative and will look back in fondness. But, sometimes in the moment, I am a little ashamed to admit that I lose sight of how good I've got it.

I suppose I have been afraid to admit on here how challenging I find it sometimes, because over the last year and a half I have read so many BLMs post about how they hate hearing mothers complain. And I want to be sensitive to that. I don't want to sound ungrateful or unappreciative. I recognize that my life IS better than after Aidan died, for sure, definitely, but I also can't pretend I don't also have a better understanding of what those other mothers were complaining about.

On the other hand, I also feel like anything I post about Kaia and how damn cute and adorable and wonderful she is, is a slap in the face to those who are still waiting and hoping that their 'rainbow' will make his or her grand entrance one day. That waiting game is HARD. I know, I've been there and it sucked to see everyone else hop on that 'isn't-my-kid-just-the-cutest-thing-in the-whole-word" train while I felt like I fell off (clutching my sad little dead baby urn) somewhere along the way.

So where do I fit in? Kaia is adorable and wonderful and has made our lives so much happier and fulfilling and easier...while also making us incredibly tired, sometimes frustrated, occasionally crabbier and has complicated and made our lives harder as well.

I feel as though I am walking along the top of a hill. On one side are the dead baby parents who are feeling intense grief, or who haven't had the chance to parent a live child which they desperately want. They may feel lost, angry, sad, left out. I can relate to them because I can remember so clearly being there too. On the other side of the hill are the parents who have never had a dead child and who can't really appreciate the feelings of grief and loss that come along with that experience. These parents may have their own challenges and struggles with their living children, while also experiencing the joy and love that children bring. Both sides have a hard time seeing each other. They haven't walked in each others shoes. I'm walking along the top of the hill. While I want to comfort and be sensitive to my fellow BLMs, I can't help but have all the same happiness and concerns that those of a live baby do too.

This was brought into clear focus the other day when I sent out an e-mail to my extended family members regarding our kid's Christmas gift exchange. I have a big family on my mother's side. For DECADES we have gotten together with my cousins and second cousins and even a few third cousins at Christmas time, and the parents of children under the age of 21 have done a gift exchange. Every child's name goes into a hat, and you draw out as many names as children you have. Every kid gets a present. No one gets left out. I looked forward to this tradition as a child because (duh) I got a present to open! And who doesn't love that?! This year I might be looking forward to BUYING a present just as much, because it means I HAVE A KID! Anyway, we drew names last weekend at a family gathering and I was put in charge of e-mailing those who weren't at the gathering the name(s) we had drawn for them.

Yesterday I got an e-mail back from one of my (funnier) cousins stating that he was going to give away his KIDS as the present. ie: "Suzy will get Joan, John will get Alan, Tim will get Tom and Sarah will get baby Mike, but we'll put him in a dress to make him more 'girly' for her. Haha! Can't wait until Christmas!" (names have been changed, obviously). I first reacted as a dead baby mom": How can you joke about giving your kids away? Don't you know there are people out there who would go to the ends of the EARTH to have just one living child??!! Jeez, try to be more sensitive!!!

Then I found myself joining in on the joke. I might have even smiled. Because the man has 4 kids...and good God that would be tiring. You would want to give them away sometimes. Plus Sarah clutching little Mikey in a dress would be cute as hell.

I guess to sum up, I feel like I'm walking a fine line on my blog these days.

Sorry if I step on any toes.

Are my posts harder for you to read these days? Do you ever feel like you censor yourself on your own blog, fearing to offend? Does anyone else feel like they are walking the line between the living and the dead? How does it make you feel?

15 weeks and 2 days

2011-10-23T18:52:00.008-04:00

15 weeks and 2 days old.

Today Kaia is the same number of days old as the number of days I spent on bed rest during my pregnancy with her.

It is mind boggling.

During my time on bed rest I felt like I did nothing. I watched a lot of TV. Blogged a lot. Read a bit. Slept. Ate. All broken up by the occasional stressful doctor's appointment. It felt like it went on forever at the time, and yet now it seems like I couldn't have been doing that for the same amount of time that we've been doing this:

Visiting Kaia at 2 different hospitals, watching her come off multiple sources of breathing assistance, learning to eat by mouth, watching her gain close to triple her birth weight, have her in 4 different harnesses (the first 3 were the same brand and all crap, the last was good, but not good enough in order to fix her hip). I've recovered from a C-section and am almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight. We've had Kaia home for 8 weeks, Brian was off work for 4 of those. We've been to 13 (or was it 14, or 15?) different doctor/lactation consultant/ultrasound appointments with her since bringing her home. I've been pumping 6-8x per day every day since she arrived. We have done a few family visits and Kaia has been around for the August long weekend, Labour day, Thanksgiving, Brian's birthday and my birthday. It seems like she's been a part of our family a heck of a lot longer than I was on bed rest.

I don't really have any more to say about it...but it just feels like an important milestone that must be mentioned.

Thank you for hanging on my baby girl. You were entirely worth it.

Un-harnessed

2011-10-19T14:08:00.007-04:00

Home 7 1/2 weeks.

A few weeks ago I found an old article on people.com about Brooke Shields. In it she was discussing her daughter Rowan's hip dysplasia. The article says this:

"Every time they tightened the harness, Rowan would scream. Chris always tightened the harness-Brooke didn’t want to, nor did she want to hold Rowan. She had to even be baptized in the harness. Brooke wrote about how beautiful Rowan looked in her dress, but then the harness sticking out underneath was just heartbreaking."

And this:

Brooke said, "when you’re a new parent and you have a child that has any kind of special need you rely so much not only on the ability of your surgeon or your doctor but the compassion." Brooke said that she had Dr. Skaggs cell phone number and that she would call him when she was "terrified" when she had trouble changing a screaming, crying Rowan’s diaper while she was wearing the harness.

First of all, you know you're a celebrity when you have your pediatric orthopedic surgeon's phone number on speed dial so he can talk you through diaper changes. Secondly, Brooke Shields needs to suck it up because she was one of the 90% of parents whose baby's with hip dysplasia are fixed by being in a harness.

We, unfortunately, are not.

We found out yesterday that Kaia is going to need a spica cast. She has been in the correct Pavlik harness for two weeks and her surgeon wasn't seeing the improvements that he wanted to. Namely he could still pop her hip in and out of joint. By this point, we were hoping that the hip would be in socket and staying in...but alas, things are always more complicated for us.

As he said "90% of the time, this works for babies that are as young as your daughter, but 10% of the time we have to move on to casting". HA! Sorry doc, I should have mentioned it, but it seems like for our family if things have a possibility of being more complicated than originally expected, then they will be.

As of now, Kaia is out of the harness until her surgery which will be sometime in the late winter when she is between 4 1/2 to 7 months corrected age. Likely February. She will be put under anesthesia, a small incision will be made in the groin area to release the tendon, and then her hip will be put back into the socket. A body cast will be applied (it will go from her nipples to her toes keeping her in 'frog' position) and then she will spend the night in hospital. She will wear it for 12 weeks and then we hope like hell it stays fixed and doesn't need any more 'work' (ie: further surgery and re-casting). I hope we can get it all behind us before the weather gets hot because it seems cruel to have a kid in a cast when they could be swimming instead.

I'm sad, but resigned.

I think I would be a lot more upset if Kaia had been my first baby, born without complications or anxiety. Because of all the things I knew could befall her after my water broke (death in utero, death out of utero, no lung development, poor lung development, heart defects, extreme prematurity, brain bleeds, NEC, ROP), hip dysplasia is WAY down on the list of 'awful'.

But it still sucks.

I was really hoping we were already 2 weeks into a 12 week stint in a Pavlik harness. We were getting good and fast at threading the tabs under the straps during diaper changes. I had finally found 0-3 month outfits that were both practical and cute that fit her harness (the footless one pieces that have the snaps up the inside of the leg seams). Kaia was getting more tolerant of sponge baths. Now it doesn't matter, at least for the time being.

Last night we 'celebrated' by plunking her in her tub for the first time in two weeks. She actually wasn't even that dirty. Just some dead skin build up on her feet. I plan to take full advantage of this time when I can dress her in whatever I want. I'm going to go buy 0-3 month pants this weekend. Maybe even some tights, with cute shoes to go along with it!

While I will enjoy having my cuddly baby back for now, I'm sad that she will be older and more 'aware' when she's put into the spica. Right now, she's been in a harness since she was 36 weeks gestational age, (albeit a crappy harness for the first 7 weeks), so she doesn't really know the difference. I feel like when it comes time to putting her in the spica, she'll be at the age when she will be used to sitting up, rolling over, grabbing her toes...and then all of a sudden she won't be able to do those things anymore. I know she'll get use to it, but it's just another thing we have to contend with.

But in some ways I'm grateful I know it could be so much worse. So like Brooke Shields should have done (seriously she didn't want to even HOLD her baby??), I'm going to suck it up and move on. And for the next 4 months we are going to rock out in some super cute outfits!

*P.S. Okay Brooke Shields you get an out for also having postpartum depression. I suppose that plus having a kid in a harness would be a bit much to deal with. But I stand by my comment about having your ortho on speed dial. Because if she hadn't shown off her boobs in Blue Lagoon I'm pretty sure he would have blocked her number.

Remember

2011-10-15T17:35:00.004-04:00

Home almost 7 weeks

Remember a few weeks ago I asked for help in how to word Kaia's baby announcements?

Well after fretting about it for a little while I finally figured that a picture is worth a thousand words. So on the back of the card, in between a picture of Kaia and Brian and Kaia and me, I put this:

We're carrying you with us Aidan, today and every day. We love you, baby boy.

29

2011-10-11T13:06:00.005-04:00

It's my birthday. I'm 29.

It's amazing the difference a year makes.

Last year I was sad and missing Aidan and working towards a 'successful' pregnancy.

This year, while I still miss Aidan, my days are full caring for his baby sister. My year, while not totally going according to plan (HA! understatement!!), did eventually work out the way I wanted it. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway, the following are some thoughts that have been rolling around in my brain for awhile.

Thought # 1:

I often wondered after Aidan died if I was correct in my assumption that life would be all around 'better' with a living baby. Obviously I wouldn't be sad if my kid wasn't dead, but I often wondered if I was 'romanticizing' being a parent. Every time I saw anything that reminded me of the parenthood I lost (strollers, baby shower invites, newborn outfits, parenting blogs etc.) it felt like a kick in the gut. Like a world I was ejected from that looked like SO much more fun than the life I was living. I was sad and angry that not only did I miss Aidan so badly, but that my life was so off track from where I wanted to be. That if only I had a baby life would be 'perfect'. Yet even though my cloud of grief I realized that the parents I knew who had young children weren't walking around on cloud nine, singing the praises of being a parent all the time. While I'm sure if asked they would all agree they loved their children and wouldn't trade them for the world, their lives were obviously not perfect. So which was it? Would a living child really make me 'happier'? Or was it all an illusion, just my sad, disappointed brain imaging a 'better' life that didn't really exist?

I feel I can now answer my own question. Yes, life really is happier...but it's true it's not perfect and I can't say I keep up the sentiment of feeling 'grateful' and 'lucky' all the time. But I'm learning to let myself just be glad for normal. Just like life was eventually 'okay' again after Aidan died because no one can stay in that initial fog of grief forever, no one can stay on cloud nine forever either. And honestly, I'm glad. It's exhausting to feel such extremes all the time. Major emotional events are going to happen in life, but generally I feel healthier and happier to just be in the middle most of the time.

I've also learned that while getting the one thing you've always wanted (a living baby) is an extremely wonderful thing, it does not fix other areas of your life. If you argue with your partner, you will still argue, and a new baby might even make that worse (although a dead one probably doesn't help matters either). A new baby while fun and exciting and beautiful, is also a lot of (often tedious) work (how many bottles did I wash today??!) It's occasionally stressful, and a big drain on resources, physically, emotionally, and financially. While a new baby brings joy and happiness into a family, it also means sacrificing other things that make you happy including sleep, a fulfilling career, hobbies, and events with family or friends. It can also be lonely hanging out all day with a new baby as they aren't known for being the best conversationalists. But while there are some draw backs, I would say I now feel more fulfilled, more centered, more at peace having a living child. And I try to remind myself, even when things are tough, how amazingly lucky I am to be able to say that.

Thought # 2

A few weeks ago, a woman I know posted on Facebook about the birth of her second child. She had not known the sex of the baby prior to delivery. Her first was a boy. Her second, a girl. People were posting congratulations and a comment was made 'now you have the million dollar family!' And my thought was "Holy shit, I had the million dollar family (one boy, one girl)...but half of mine died". (Does that mean I have the 500K family?) My mom often commented on her 'million dollar family' when my brother and I were growing up. She felt blessed to have one girl and one boy when she was told, for medical reasons, not to have any more kids. Because at that point, she was fine with no more as she had what she wanted. I had a boy, and I have a girl...but I won't ever have the satisfaction of watching my boy and girl play together or fight or lean on each other in tough times.

I e-mailed Dr. K. a few days ago and the placental pathology confirms that I had another Breus mole placenta (I could have told you that just based on the ultrasound pictures alone as Aidan and Kaia's placentas were very alike in their weirdness, so this wasn't exactly 'news'). This brings up the question of course though, why did it occur (TWICE??!!) Once was sad and unfortunate. Twice is kind of freakish. It makes me very wary of ever considering another pregnancy, because how can I be sure it won't happen for a 3rd time? It wasn't suppose to happen twice and it did. Plus, how could I place another child in jeopardy? We will be dealing with the ramifications of Kaia's confinement (literally) for the next year, and we are lucky her issues are 'fixable'. I also NEVER want to have to deal with another very early pPROM again. Ever. It was scary and terrible and soul crushing. I don't want to have to watch my husband, daughter or family have to live through it again either.

And yet...I would love another baby someday. Even more than that...I would like Kaia to have a (living) sibling. One that she can play with and tell stories to, have fun with, and confide in. While my brother and I don't spend as much time together as we used to, I do love having a sibling. I want that for Kaia. I want her to have a (living) brother or sister. One who isn't just a baby in a photo. One who doesn't sit on the shelf in the living room. Brian and I miss never getting to know Aidan...and now I miss him on Kaia's behalf too.

Thought # 3

I have been asked SO many times since Kaia was born "is this your first?" (honestly, this question gets asked more than her NAME, which I think is weird). Sometimes I tell the truth, and other times I lie. You'd have thought I would have gotten used to this in the last year having to answer the other dreaded question "Do you have any kids?", but still it's hard EVERY SINGLE TIME.

What also gets asked a lot is "how old is she?" This is another hard question for a preemie mom, because for anyone that knows anything about babies, she obviously doesn't look 3 months old. She's not even 9 lbs. She doesn't hold her head up yet. She is JUST starting to smile. Which means she's right on track...for her corrected age. Now, I don't mind telling people she was a preemie, but just like saying "oh my first child died", sometimes it feels like revealing too much to just any old Tom, Dick or Harry. So I often end up telling strangers "she's 6 weeks old" (the amount of time she's been home from the hospital). It gets confusing. It's not awkward like the number of children question, or the 'first child' question...but it's another baby question which I find myself occasionally lying about. Who knew having kids would make me such a liar?

So yeah. Kind of random I know.

That's where I am at as I enter year 29. I'm so glad I'm in a much better place than I was at 28. I hope it gives hope to those out there reading who aren't sure where they are going to be on their next birthday. Because you just never know what a difference a year can make.

Thoughts? Comments?

Kaia: 6 weeks home

2011-10-09T14:30:00.003-04:00

Home 6 weeks

I have been wanting to write a post about Kaia for awhile. Just about her. Nothing else. No complaining, no whining, no fear or concern over health issues.

Just Kaia.

My sweet baby girl.
She is now almost 3 months old, but is technically about 1 month corrected. She weighs just over 8 lbs. She has blue eyes just like mine and hair that almost looks auburn in the sunlight.

She is a fairly good sleeper generally, but not for longer than 4 hours at a time and usually more like 3.
She is starting to have a few smiles which I swear might be real and not just gas.

She loves to be held, likes walks in her stroller, and prefers her milk just shy of hot thankyouverymuch.

She loves to be in the water, and I'm sad that she won't get to experience that for awhile now that she's in the harness full time.

She cries during sponge baths, and I don't blame her because everyone knows they are no fun at all. She is starting to have a little bit of neck strength when held upright, which I like to attribute to carrying her in her Moby wrap.

She has never had anything but breast milk...but seems to prefer to feed by bottle.

She will breastfeed, but does it more for comfort and something to suck on than nutrition and I'm trying to satisfy myself with that and not take it personally. Her dad is best at getting her to burp. She lets out some loud ones too. Her grandma (my mom) has babysat for her once while I was at the doctors and is convinced she loves music, which she listens to in her swing.

She has the best wide eyed stare in the world, as though she is really intent on what you are saying.

You can tell when she's pooping as she goes all red. She makes the craziest sounds, even when sleeping which I've heard is common in preemies. She often squeals like a dolphin, grunts like a goat, whinnies like a horse and/or squeaks like a mouse, sometimes all 4 in the space of a few minutes. Her room is my masterpiece and is the most 'perfect' looking room in the house. I'm so pleased with it because it's girly without having a lick of pink.

She loves to sleep in her bassinet (which is part of her stroller, thank you to everyone who helped me get it for her!), and I feel safe when she's there as it's hooked up to the Angelcare monitor. Her nicknames are Pumpkin, Monkey, Chicken Little, Kaia-Papaya, and occasionally mommy's little Acorn. I say Acorn only occasionally because it's funny how I don't really even associate her with my awful pregnancy. Acorn was her...and yet the two events just seem so far removed from each other. Pregnancy = awful. Kaia = great! During the day if she's been napping for awhile, I almost miss holding her and want her to wake up just so I can look in her big blue eyes.

I can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks of having her home will bring. Hopefully real smiles (that other people think are real too!) and maybe a giggle. Maybe some more sleep at night? (Pretty please!) Halloween costumes (I finally have a kid to dress up!!!)

Thank goodness you're you Kaia. You've been home 6 weeks and I can't imagine life without you.

Love you, my baby girl.

The song that doesn't end...

2011-10-02T22:53:00.003-04:00

Home 5 weeks

I don't get it. I just don't. Crazy scary things just keep popping up in our lives and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

It started last Sunday morning. It was the last day before Brian had to go back to work after being off since Kaia came home. I was understandably a little nervous about having to fly solo. It was a HUGE help having Brian at home, especially with Kaia's (ongoing) feeding issues and multiple doctor's appointments (11 appointments for her since she's been home: 2 with the lactation consultant, 2 weight checks back at the hospital, 3 with the pediatrician, 1 ROP eye exam, 1 orthopedic hip exam which greatly upset us, 2 ultrasounds, one on her head and one on her hip, and she has another orthopedic appointment down at the children's hospital on Tuesday).

Anyway, Sunday morning I get up and walk Kaia down to her room to change her. As I zip open her sleep sac, I notice that her legs look funny. Although she is still strapped into her harness her legs are no longer in the 'froggy' position that the orthopedic surgeon put her in after (PAINFULLY) popping her hip back into position. Nope...her legs are now in the same position that they had been in for 7 weeks. In short...her hip was once again dislocated.

Shit.

I was understandably upset, and started to think about Kaia having to go through having her hip reduced (PAINFULLY) AGAIN...and....

my heart started to feel funny....

really funny...

like it was fluttering and not beating like it should.

I tried taking my pulse in my carotid artery in my neck, and it didn't feel strong. It felt kind of slow and weak. I started to feel dizzy and had to sit down. Then my legs and arms started to feel kind of numb. I told Brian I had to go lie down. He went to get me a glass of juice and I started to feel like it was hard to breathe. Brian asked if I thought I needed an ambulance and I said yes. So we called one. The dispatcher on the phone asked him if he could find my pulse and later Brian told me he thought my pulse seemed kind of slow (my normal heart rate is > 90 resting due to my heart condition). He must have sounded upset on the phone because not one but two ambulance crews arrived within minutes.

While Brian was on the phone with the dispatcher I started to feel a little better and by the time the ambulance crew showed up, I felt I could breathe a little easier and my heart seemed to have returned to a more normal rhythm. They checked me out and although my blood pressure was pretty low (77/56) initially, it improved within a minute or two and I felt okay enough to send them away without going to hospital.

But, as you can imagine, the whole episode freaked me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. Because although it COULD have been a panic attack (which I have had before and I know from experience can be very scary), it didn't entirely FEEL like a panic attack. The heart rate thing was different. Usually during panic attacks it feels as though your heart is pounding, like you ran up a flight of stairs...this felt like my heart was fluttering...beating quickly, but shallowly, if that makes any sense.

Fortunately I just so happened to have had a cardiac appointment scheduled on Thursday. For anyone who knows me in real life who is reading this, please don't panic. All my tests came back absolutely normal (well not normal of course, they will never be normal...but normal for me). And my cardiologist didn't seem TOO concerned. To 'do something' she decided to get a holter monitor on me (which is like an heart rate monitor that you wear for 24 hours and it monitors your heart rate and rhythm). The results will be available this week. So while it could have been a irregular heart rhythm, which can happen with my particular heart defect, it would also seem very coincidental timing for a person who has never had an irregular rhythm to suddenly have one at that particular time when I was (admittedly) very upset.

After hearing my heart was okay from my cardiologist I started to take stock of my physical body and realized how tense I am. My shoulders are in knots. My lower back is constantly sore. I have an eye twitch. I find it hard to sit still. I find it hard to concentrate. I'm tired. I have come to the conclusion that I need to RELAX. I have been so stressed out for SO long that I am coming to the end of my ability to deal with things. If you've been following along you understand that they last two years have been STRESSFUL. And while coming home with Kaia was wonderful and fulfilling, it has had it's own challenges and pitfalls.

So after realizing this, I resolve that this weekend is going to be relaxing and fun. We have visits scheduled with friends and family. We are just going to chill and enjoy. Brian will be around to help with the night feedings, so I can get a bit more sleep. Sounds good right?

But then our cat gets sick.

Like puking all over the place, not eating or drinking, sick.

So after hoping she would improve today (she didn't) tonight at 6pm Brian takes her to the emergency vet as our regular one isn't open on Sunday. They give her IV hydration and some pain meds, but also tell Brian that she might have an intestinal blockage and if we want it investigated it would be $170 for an x-ray. Then if they found something on the x-ray and surgery was needed that could be in the $2000-3000 range.

!!!!

We haven't even begun paying off my $2000 hospital stay...we can't afford to pay that much or more for our cat.

Of course, then we feel like awful people. We love our cat. She was our first 'baby'...even before Aidan. She's only 4 years old and deserves to have a healthy long life. She's never even had any issues up until today!

So tonight was the second time in less than 2 weeks that both Brian and I were crying due to fear and sadness and stress of having to cope with one of our 'babies' in pain.

In the end we decided to do the x-ray, which showed no blockages. Our kitty is now resting at home, hydrated from the IV and hopefully feeling no pain after the meds. Our instructions were not to feed her overnight, and if she has no more vomiting to give her some of this special cat food they had us purchase which is more easily digestible. If she's still sick overnight, we're to take her to our regular vet tomorrow. But I really hope she's better...and so does my wallet.

And now I have to go and pump breast milk for the 7th time today, then bottle feed Kaia, then try to sleep and hope that the morning makes everything seem a little bit brighter.

Harnessed

2011-09-21T15:16:00.009-04:00

Home almost 4 weeks.

Yesterday was our first appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to check out Kaia's hip dysplasia since she has been home.

It did not go well.

I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but the Pavlik harness that Kaia wears to keep her hip in the proper position is a piece of GARBAGE. It is held on by Velcro that DOES NOT WORK. The 'hook' portion of the Velcro is fine, but the 'fuzz' that it's suppose to stick to doesn't hold. You know that sound that really good Velcro makes when it is ripped open? A loud RIIPPPPPP sound? Well the Velcro on Kaia's harness makes a soft 'piff' sound when being opened.

In an attempt to fix this, about two weeks ago Brian decided to take matters into his own hands. To reinforce the harness he went to the fabric store, bought some of the 'fuzz' that Velcro tabs stick to and sewed it to the harness in order to get it to stay on and not 'pop open' every time she moved. It seemed to be working and the harness was at least staying put.

Which would have been great, except that Kaia's hip has NOT been in the correct position and therefore for the last SIX WEEKS that she has been wearing the damn thing it's been doing exactly NOTHING!!!!

That's right folks. My kid's hip is still dislocated and the harness which was supposed to be 'holding it in position' so that the socket could grow around the ball joint of her leg was set up improperly and was literally holding her hip OUT of position this entire time.

The worst part was when the surgeon popped her hip back into place yesterday Kaia seemed to jerk her whole body and then started to SCREAM. And screamed. And cried. For over an HOUR afterwards. Then she was whimpering and crying out every time she would move and wouldn't let us put her down all afternoon. Both Brian and I cried. It was awful. We felt terrible for her and were so afraid she was in a lot of pain. I gave her Tylenol yesterday and over night and thankfully today she seems much better. I hope I NEVER have to see that again. I wanted to kill him after he did it yesterday. It looked so painful and I was angry that he did it without any sort of pain meds or warning to us that it might hurt her.

What is also crazy is that her legs are in a completely different position now that she is in the harness 'properly'. I can't believe we (and all the medical people who have seen her the last 6 weeks) didn't clue into this.

To say we were upset yesterday both watching our child in pain and to hear how badly this whole "Pavlik harness" thing has been screwed up was an understatement. The problem was that when the orthopedic surgeon set her up in the harness initially he told us it would be fine to take her out for baths and to change her clothes. So we did. Lots. We treated her like a normal baby, who just needed to wear a brace over her outfits. No biggie. However, her hip is SO unstable likely the first time we took her out of the harness all those weeks ago her hip dislocated again and was never put back in place. Yesterday he mentioned "oh, well you might want to keep her in the harness at all times for awhile now".

!!!!

I am very upset that this doctor never came back to check on her in the NICU after applying the harness. That was 6 weeks ago. You think they might have wanted to check it before now. Also now that I understand how unstable her hip is, it's appalling that the orthopedic surgeon never thought to tell us it might be best if she wore the harness 24/7. In this way we'd have to treat her as though she is wearing a cast, not a brace. Braces come off to wash. Casts do not. Kaia's pediatrician was no help either. She's seen Kaia a few times since her discharge from the hospital and could obviously feel that her hip was out of joint. Why she didn't think that was a problem, when the harness is supposed to be holding her hip in joint so it can grow properly is beyond me.

So, I am now pushing for a referral to the children's hospital where I work. Once we get there I hope we will be fitted for a new harness that has working Velcro (although this harness's Velcro might be just fine now that we won't be opening and closing the tabs so often since we won't be taking if off). I also hope that I'll get more clues as to how to care for a kid who is wearing a body harness instead of the absolutely nothing I've been told so far.

Such as: What clothes are best to dress her in? It's going to get cold here soon and she can't really wear pants. Are there any positions she can't lay in? For example, I've been trying to breastfeed her in the cross-cradle hold...but that puts pressure on her hips and legs, so maybe that's not the best idea? In that case, how should I hold her when I (am still attempting) to breastfeed her? Are there any parts of the harness I can remove in order to bathe her? What if she pukes or poops on it? Do I spot clean? With what? How do I monitor her skin integrity under the booties? Are there any worrying symptoms I should be on the look out for? I read on the Internet that you have to watch to make sure she can still move her leg, otherwise this can indicate nerve damage...but her doctor's never told me about this and I'm not sure if it is an issue I need to concern myself with.

I could go on with my list of questions, but I won't. You get the idea. Basically in hospital they put Kaia in the harness and didn't tell me anything else. When I asked if she could come out for baths they said yes. If I can't take her out of the harness EVER then a whole new set of concerns comes up. Which you think an orthopedic surgeon who has been doing this since 1987 would realize...but I guess not.

It's also sad that in addition to all the problems we've had breastfeeding, we've now lost bath time. And cute outfits. And snuggles without a harness in the way.

Kaia, maybe this will one day all seem like a funny memory of 'when you were a baby'...but right now it's really hard. And sad. And stressful. I just want things to be easy for you. Or at least not so hard.

In which I relax about the boob juice

2011-09-12T18:55:00.017-04:00

Thanks for all your supportive comments on my last post.

I know I'm doing the best I can. Both Brian and I are. It's just hard when I feel like neither my pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding experience has been the way I envisioned. Breastfeeding was the one biological thing I felt I could 'control' or 'work on'. I couldn't control that my water broke WAY too early. I couldn't control the endless leaking of amniotic fluid. I couldn't control that Kaia was breech and thus I needed a C-section. I couldn't control that she was premature and needed to be in the NICU for 50 days. I can't control that Kaia has hip dysplasia and will be her in harness for months, and may need surgery and casting at some point. I thought breastfeeding was one of those things I could 'decide' on: ie "I've 'decided' to breastfeed". I didn't know Kaia would have a say in it!

On Monday we went back to the lactation consultant. She basically reiterated what we discussed last week: Kaia's latch is fine. She sucks well. She should be able to breastfeed. We should quit finger feeding her. End of story.

However, I continue to feel that Kaia does not get enough milk breastfeeding alone. My evidence is that her diapers aren't as heavy. She doesn't gain weight as well. She doesn't go 3 hours between feeds. She's just irritable from one feed to the next and doesn't sleep well. She doesn't look like her perky self. I'm her mom. I know her.

We were a bit upset and frustrated when we got home from the LC appointment. Lactation consultants are so militant! They are SO gung-ho about breastfeeding that they forget to be practical. While I'm completely on board about breastfeeding and the benefits of breast milk, I couldn't help feel a bit pissed off when I was reading a sign in the LC's office that RANKS the 'best ways' to feed your baby, with exclusively breastfeeding at the top, breast milk in a bottle as second, donated breast milk as third (and where the heck does one get this? Certainly can't pick it up at the corner store!), cow's milk formula as 4th and soy based formulas a distant 5th. How shitty would that make you feel if couldn't (or didn't want to?!) breastfeed and your kid was allergic to cow's milk. Sorry kid...you are being fed in the 'worst' way possible. Nice.

The basic truth is that I can't feed Kaia 24-7. Kaia can't breastfeed 24-7. I can't do supplemental feeding at with a tube taped to my boob she doesn't latch well with the tube in the way. Finger feeding is not practical for use on the go (and we have to be on the go a lot as Kaia has a lot of doctor's appointments the next little while). We shouldn't be made to feel like we're failing for feeding our child in a way that makes her happy!

We got home from the lactation consultant appointment and decided that while we are committed to Kaia getting breast milk, we are NOT going to sacrifice her happiness, our sleep, and my stress levels anymore.

So we went and bought a bunch of bottles, a bottle warmer and a microwave steam sterilizer.

I continue to pump, so Kaia continues to get nothing but breast milk, and at each feed that is practical (which is any that are at home) I attempt to breastfeed her first, before giving her a bottle. She seems to suck on the boob for about 15-20 minutes before getting tired and then she gets a bottle of however much she wants afterwards.

And you know what? I'm okay with this. In fact, it's been working quite well. It helped that I checked out the preemie page on babycenter and many moms found that their preemie took a lot longer to learn to breastfeed (if ever), and needed a bottle for longer because they got too tired breastfeeding (exactly what I feel is happening for Kaia!) Because Kaia is now full term baby size (almost 7 lbs!) and is over 'term', it's easy to assume that she should act and be able to do the same things that a full term baby can do. What I have to keep reminding myself is that in gestational weeks 32-40, when normally babies are just relaxing in the womb, chillin' and not having to do much of anything, Kaia had to learn to breathe, learn to eat, keep herself warm, was separated from us, and has had to deal with being in a harness to fix her dislocated hip! That's a lot for one baby. It's amazing that she's doing as well with breastfeeding as she is.

The last two weeks I've felt like such a failure as a mom, and frustrated with Kaia that she won't act like a 'normal' baby. I kept comparing myself to my friend who breastfed her daughter exclusively, and have listened to endless stories from my mother and mother-in-law about the wonderful time they remember having breastfed both their kids. But you know what? None of them are Kaia's mom. They fed full term babies. I have to do what is best for us and for Kaia. As much as it's a lot having to feed her twice (once with the boob, once with the bottle) AND pump, it's worth it to ensure she's A) getting breast milk and all the benefits that entails, and B) that's she happy, healthy and growing well.

We've also started to enjoy one of the perks of non-exclusive breastfeeding. Which is that we BOTH get to feed her. I knew before Aidan or Kaia was born that Brian would be a great dad, but even I'm impressed at how helpful he's been and how great he's been through all our feeding challenges. I don't know that any of the women I'm comparing myself to had the support that I've had. Because they exclusively breastfed they HAD to be the one to feed the baby, and because their babies fed well, they only needed one person. Since Kaia's presented a little more of a challenge, she has involved BOTH her parents in her care, and I refuse to see that as a bad thing. It will be more difficult in a week and a half when Brian goes back to work, but I'll deal with that as it comes. I'm off work for a year, so really...what else to I have to do but feed my kid!

So that's that folks. We're back to Kaia's pediatrician on Friday for a weigh in and I'm actually looking forward to it! My baby's thriving and it's no one's business but ours how that happens.

So there.

Did your breastfeeding experience go the way you planned it? If it didn't how did it make you feel? How did you resolve the issue?

The opposite of easy

2011-09-10T17:28:00.006-04:00

2 months old! Kaia was due on September 1st, 3rd or 5th considering who you asked (OB, me or Neonatology), but any which way you count it Kaia is finally considered full term!

Just to round out my completely abnormal pregnancy, birth and lactation experience, because nothing could be problem free, we are STILL finger feeding. Kaia has decided that while latching on to the boob is fun and all, the nipple should dispense milk like a pop machine, no effort required. Thus she DOES NOT SUCK for any longer than a few minutes at a time. We have had a couple of weight checks and when Brian and I were finger feeding her almost exclusively last week, she gained 135 grams in 4 days, but as we tried to cut that out more this week and let her get 'hungry for the boob', she only gained 50 grams in 6 days. Not enough, considering they want her to gain between 20-40 grams per day.

Damn.

We have seen two lactation consultants, but as one would expect from those who have to only 'show' rather than 'do', their solutions are less than perfect. The first one was the one who turned us on to finger feeding on Kaia's last day in the hospital. Her rational was to do finger feeding for a little while and get Kaia home, as studies show that finger feeders transition better to the boob than bottle feeders.

The next lactation consultant we went to see said that we should 'move away' from finger feeding and that babies should feed at the breast and that babies respond to 'flow'. Therefore I likely have slow flow at the nipple and that I should be pumping more (!!!) and should set Kaia up with a lactation aid at the breast (look it up if you don't know what this is). Setting up the lactation aid is all fine and dandy when you are in a nice comfy office, well rested with multiple people to help you...but at 4 in the morning when you've had NO sleep and your kid is screaming and has just peed all over, the LAST thing you want to fiddle with is tape and small tubes and trying to get said crying child to latch on to not only your nipple but the small tube as well.

So while my father in law didn't mean to be philosophical when it said it, I have liked his recent pronouncement on child rearing: First you do what is right, and then you do what works.

Right now, a lactation aid at the breast doesn't work for Kaia or for us. It's too finicky and time consuming, although I understand the principle behind it (breast=milk). So, in ordnance with the above stated philosophy, to feed our child we are doing this: At each feed start with breastfeeding. Continue until she isn't sucking, seems overly fussy, or appears full (this last one hasn't happened yet). Then I pass her to Brian who finger feeds her while I pump. Then wash all pumping and finger feeding supplies and repeat in 3 hours. She is getting nothing but breast milk, which I'm pleased about and my supply seems to be doing okay, so we are going to stick with it. Hopefully (soonish??!) she will take more at the breast and less of the supplemental finger feeding, and will continue to gain weight.

I'm worried about the soonish part, because while this works while Brian is around to help me, in two weeks he has to go back to work and then I'm on my own for all feeds except those that fall between the hours of 5pm and 10pm. And the routine of feeding Kaia can take about an hour at this point, so it will be even longer if I have to do it on my own. I REALLY REALLY don't want to transition to bottles...but I might have to in order to get some time to sleep in there.

All of this of course brings up feelings of failure, disappointment and inadequacy in me. I realize I'm doing the best I can, but it would be so lovely for just something to go SMOOTHLY. It wasn't getting pregnant, it wasn't staying pregnant, it wasn't giving birth, it wasn't the NICU stay, it wasn't the home coming or breastfeeding.

Maybe it will be the transition to solids? Here's hoping.

How would you say it?

2011-09-05T22:41:00.005-04:00

A week and a bit at home.

Kaia is doing well. She is starting to breastfeed a little better and Brian and I are sleeping in shifts so we don't die of exhaustion. For the time that I'm sleeping he finger feeds Kaia. This makes me feel a little better as we can at least monitor how much she is taking during those two feeds and I'm happy to report it's no more than what she 'should' be taking for her weight, about 2 oz. I figure if she wasn't getting enough via the boob, she would likely be STARVING during those feeds and demand to eat a lot more. So this makes me happy.

I do need your help though.

I am planning to send out a birth announcement card for Kaia, but would like to acknowledge Aidan on it. My question is how should I go about doing that? Should I say something like "remembered and missed at this special time, big brother Aidan"? or more subtle and put at the beginning of the card "we joyfully introduce our second child, Kaia"

I don't want the card to be ABOUT Aidan, as this is Kaia's moment to shine...but I would like it to acknowledge him as part of our family. Someone recently posted a rainbow baby birth birth announcement that they saw in the paper that acknowledged a dead child and I thought that announcement did a pretty good job, but now I can't find it. If that was you, please let me know what it said.

Also, if you have any ideas can you reply soon as the site that I want to order my announcements from has a sale that ends tomorrow!

Kaia is waking up so I must go and leave you with a picture!!!

That's all for now!

There's No Place Like...

2011-08-31T15:54:00.004-04:00

HOME!!!

That's right folks. Kaia came to live at our humble abode on Sunday, August 28th, Day 50 of life (aka, a 7 week plus 1 day stay in the NICU). She came home weighing 2735 grams (which I think is like 6 lbs 1 oz).

And so far it's been...well, I don't want to say 'rough', but I will admit it hasn't been all sunshine and roses. Don't get me wrong, she is wonderful and great and I'm so glad to have her home and be able to function more like a normal family, whose members all live under one roof...but Kaia has come home with some feeding issues. These feeding issues have kept both Brian and I awake for the better part of 3 days. And people, let me tell you, no baby is cute after 3 days with barely any sleep. And the 'small' problem of feeding seems like a HUGE deal at 3 am when you're afraid your baby is not getting enough milk.

Let's go back to last week, Wednesday. Kaia had been off the low flow for almost a week at that point and when I arrived at the NICU after my morning dental appointment (No cavities, I'm such a superstar), the staff informed me that Kaia had been doing well with her feeds overnight. Her nurse then said cheerily "so you want to take her home?!" Now, had I been there to witness this stellar feeding behaviour perhaps my answer would have been a resounding "YES"...but since I had yet to witness Kaia take either a full bottle or a full breast feed, I was somewhat hesitant. She didn't seem ready to consistently take all the milk she needed to without needing to be tube fed. Plus we hadn't mastered breastfeeding yet, and I really wanted to get that skill under her belt. However, if she could feed well for the nurses...that would mean she could do it for us too right?

The answer, as we found out over the next few days, was 'sometimes'. I stayed over in the care by parent room on Thursday night, doing all the care for Kaia. The plan was that Brian would then stay over Friday with us both and we'd go home Saturday. Well Thursday night was an epic failure. Kaia was NOT taking her full feeding volumes, either by bottle or by breast. And we were both getting massively frustrated. I didn't sleep all night. So Friday afternoon I told the nurses that I didn't think she was ready, that I was going to go home, get some sleep and we'd try again Saturday night with both Brian and I there to do her cares. It felt awful heading home without her. Her issue was that she would latch at the breast, but not suck for long. She would take a bottle but start choking and coughing and occasionally turn a bit blue (SCARY AS FUCK when you have no resuscitation equipment sitting beside the baby's bed). I didn't feel she was ready, and with no sleep I didn't feel equipped to handle another night of frustration.

So Saturday rolls around and after a good night's sleep both Brian and I show up to the NICU and are informed that Kaia has done wonderfully bottle feeding overnight and they really do think she's ready for home. With both of us there to spell each other off and a great nurse to (figuratively) hold our hands, Saturday night went 'okay'. Kaia seemed to feed a bit better and her nurse worked with us coaching us on breastfeeding. It seemed to help and we all got a bit of sleep that night. So Sunday morning we packed up our stuff, waived good bye to the nurses and headed out the door.

To home...where Kaia's feeding behaviour has been ALL over the place for the last 3 days. Sometimes she seems to do well on the breast, other times we give in and are practically BEGGING her with a bottle to PLEASE JUST TAKE SOME!!! It's been scary and nerve racking and I hate that feeding has become such an issue.

So I wasn't surprised at her two day post discharge weigh in yesterday to find she had only gained 10 grams in two days. Generally they like babies to gain between 20-30 grams per day...so Kaia was behind, by quite a bit. The lactation consultant came in and watched me breastfeed (good position, good latch, good suck), but acknowledged that Kaia did not suck for long enough and seemed to tire quickly. She also urged us to stay away from bottles if we wanted to exclusively breastfeed...bottles deliver milk about 5x faster than the breast and some babies, learning they don't have to work so hard at a bottle, will just clamp down, refuse the breast and hold out for the bottle. Ah humans...programed from birth to take the easy way out. Awesome.

With the lactation consultants help we have been doing an alternate feeding method over this last day: finger feeding. Finger feeding is slower than bottle feeding so she won't choke, and requires the sucking action of breastfeeding so she learns she has to work to eat. It's where you have a bottle of milk and a tube that comes from that bottle to lay up against your finger. You place the finger and the tube in the baby's mouth and the baby sucks, basically drawing milk up the tube like a straw, with your finger acting as a support to latch on to. It has been WORKING!!! And since last night Kaia has been taking around about her 'full feed' volume of 55 mls every 3 hours and sleeping in between and waking up for feeds! Thank goodness!

The process however is quite labour intensive. I continue to have to pump (crummy!!), pumping stuff needs to be washed, finger feeding bottles and tubes have to be washed and oh yeah, Kaia needs to get fed and her bum changed somewhere in there too. The whole process takes anywhere from an hour or two, so sleep is a big issue. It is SO labour intensive, and Brian and I are SO tired from our 3 days of lack of sleep, that we took shifts last night. He stayed awake and fed her from 11 pm until 4 am and then I woke up and let him go to bed until noon. Then I had a nap when he got up. Thankfully Brian is taking some of my parental leave time (4 weeks) so he'll be around to help me for awhile.

Which is why I have the energy to update you today! We are going to persist with the finger feeding for a few days, and will go to visit a lactation consultant on Friday to get some tips about switching back to breastfeeding. We also have another 'weight check' on Saturday, so I'm hoping to pull in some BIG numbers that day.

It's been hard to just 'enjoy' her now that she's home, with the lack of sleep and the stress of trying to get her to eat, but I hope that soon we'll get into a better routine, Kaia will be strong enough to breastfeed consistently and life will be good again.

Thanks for caring about us everyone. It was nice to see that you'd noticed my absence. Sorry it's been so long between updates. I'll try to do better in the future (sleep permitting).

If you have some baby war stories you'd like to share I'd love to read them! It's hard to keep sight of the fact that things do improve when you're 'in the trenches'.

Showered

2011-08-16T14:55:00.007-04:00

5 weeks + a couple days

It looks like Babies R Us exploded and everything ended up in my dining room.

HA! But seriously...

Saturday was my baby shower. It was beautiful and lovely and my family and best friend worked very hard to put it together for me and I completely appreciate it. We got a lot of wonderful things, which will be very helpful when Kaia comes home. In case you are wondering, I did not read out my post from a couple of days ago, but I did make a slide show of pictures from Kaia's life so far. I think it showed nicely how adorable she is and how big she's gotten, but also the struggles she has had. I included a picture of her intubated, pictures of her with her CPAP on, pictures of her with her nasal prongs and pictures of her in her harness. I hope it helped people to understand that while she's a 'real baby' she's also had quite a few challenges in her short life.

Some people just didn't get it though. A few out of town relatives were asking could they come visit her? Um...no. First of all, I feel like I hardly get to spend enough time with her even though I'm at the hospital twice a day. A 'regular' new mom would probably spend 23 1/2 hours a day with her new baby. I maybe get 4. I don't really want to spend the precious time that I have with her sharing it with relatives beyond immediate family or extremly close friends (and even those people I like to keep visits short). Secondly, when I'm with her, I'm usually there for feeding time. Since we are new at this and Kaia is still not a 'pop on the boob' kind of baby...I don't really want an audience. I think I will eventually get to the point where I can breastfeed in front of people, but we aren't there yet. Third, the NICU is small and crowded and already over stimulating enough. Kaia doesn't need extra people fussing around her, trying to touch her (GERMS!!!) or talking loudly. I hope this came across after they watched the slide show...but maybe not.

Aidan was only mentioned once by a particularly sensitive aunt. That was tough, as I felt the memory of him all around. The anniversary of his due date was yesterday, and here I was two days before that celebrating the birth of his sister. Had things gone differently, it would have been me throwing the party for my one year old son. At one point when opening gifts I looked around at the sea of pink and thought 'I should have been doing this last year...and instead I would have had a sea of blue'. It was an odd feeling. I am thrilled that people love Kaia so much, and are happy for us, but I feel cheated on Aidan's behalf. He should have been 'showered' with love too.

Kaia has made some progress in the last couple of days in that she is off oxygen for the most part. She's still wearing the nasal prongs but only room air (21% oxygen) is coming out of it at 25 mls a minute (why she needs this to help prevent her from desatting is beyond me...it's literally the same air that you and I are breathing being blown up her nose!!!). She still drops her sats into the 80s when bearing down (and it's super obvious when she's doing this as her face goes TOMATO red), but she seems better at recovering on her own. I wish she was more alert and active for feeds, but she's still only able to orally feed a few times a day. She's just too tired to do it all the time.

I've also discovered one of the favourite things people like to tell you when you have a new baby is "time goes by so fast!!! You blink and they have grown up!" Um...really? Cuz I'm feeling like this last 5 weeks have gone by SO SLOWLY!!! Like progress is inching along. I will WELCOME the day when Kaia is the size of a full term baby and can do full term baby things. At this point it still seems hard to imagine that one day it will FINALLY be time for her to come home. I can't believe it's still almost 3 weeks away from Kaia's due date. Honestly...never say "time flies" to an NICU mom. For her, time is dragging.

But we're getting there...one day...soon...

In another reality

2011-08-15T15:26:00.005-04:00

5 weeks + 2 days

A year ago, I should have given birth to a healthy little boy named Aidan. He should have been between 6 and 8 lbs and cried immediately. He should have been wrapped in a swaddling blanket and been handed to me by his Dad. We should have marvelled over the colour of his eyes and the colour of his hair and all the cute little noises he makes. We should have spent a few days in the hospital, with me teaching Brian how to bath him and change him and I should have been practicing breastfeeding. Then, on day 2 or 3 after everyone was happy with his progress and happy with my heart function we should have dressed him in his 'going home outfit', popped him in his car seat and driven off into the sunset.

Maybe in some other reality, one that is different from this, I have a one year old named Aidan.

But what if in that reality there is no Kaia...?

I wish I could live in the one where I have both.

How nice it would be to kiss both my children goodnight.

Many Faces

2011-08-12T15:25:00.005-04:00

One day less than 5 weeks.

So tomorrow is my baby shower with all my friends and family. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and getting 'showered' with gifts for Kaia. But I know everyone will be asking how Kaia is doing? How am I doing? How is Brian doing? And I'm not exactly sure how to answer that in any 'short' version, because this is my life:

I had a baby (Happy face)

After a traumatic pregnancy where we thought she might die (Sad face)

Thankfully, she lived (Happy face)

But she's still in the NICU (Sad face)

She's doing pretty well though (Happy face)

But she's still needing oxygen (Sad face)

She's starting to do better at breastfeeding (Happy face)

But she will be in a Pavlik harness for months as she has congenital hip dysplasia (Sad face)

Her hip is fixable though (Happy face)

Although she might need surgery on it at some point (Sad face)

She's cute as a button and my heart sings when I see her (Happy face)

But I'm a bit frusterated and down that she's not home yet (Sad face)

Whatever happens though, I'm her mom and I feel very lucky to have her (Happy face)

Don't forget though, Kaia is not my first baby (Confused face?)

Kaia has a big brother, named Aidan (Happy face)

He was born prematurely last year and he died (Sad face)

We miss him very much (Cry face)

Monday will be one year since his due date (Sad face)

I should have a one year old, but I don't (Depressed face)

Also, my grandmother just died (Sad face)

She was old and had lived a long, fairly healthy, fairly happy life (Happy face)

We miss her very much (Sad face)

Kaia is her first (living) great-grand child (Happy face)

But they never got to meet (Sad face)

Brian and I are doing well (Happy face)

After 15 weeks of bed rest... (Sad face)

I am feeling pretty good and am happy to be living at home again (Happy face)

Of course, the hospital bill arrived our house the other day (Sad face)

While I'm glad I had the private room at the hospital as it made a huge difference... (Happy face)

It cost us over $2000 (!!! Sad face)

Our girl was worth it though (Happy face)

Now she just needs to learn to eat and get off oxygen so she can come home (Stressed face)

We have waited so long for her and we have so much love to give (Happy face)

We can't wait until she is home for good! (Happy, Excited, Joyful face).

So how are we doing? Um, short answer? We're okay. (Although I might have some nauseous face after the roller coaster ride that is my life).

Emotionally Damaged

2011-08-10T16:52:00.008-04:00

One month and a few days

So Kaia is still chugging away in the hospital. We are still working on breast feeding, still working on getting off the oxygen...just like we have been for the last two weeks. Not that I'm rushing her...but it would be nice to get at least one of the two of those things on the 'accomplished!' list. I allowed them to give her a bottle last night for the first time, just to see how she'd do. She took 25 mls before pooping out and she needs about 50 for a full feed. She's also not interested in waking up to feed every 3 hours yet, so we are only attempting oral feeds 2-3x a day. She latches well (with a nipple shield), so that's a plus. She just doesn't have the strength or energy to take a whole feed.

Kaia's also still on 25 to 50 mls of oxygen, but seems to be holding steady on that (more often in 25mls rather than 50 the last couple of days). I would be willing for her to come home on oxygen...but she would have to get feeding 'ticked' off the list first. She was fitted in her Pavlik harness last week. She's been a bit constipated since then so while it's great that it's hopefully pulling her legs into a position to fix her dislocated hip, it's restricting her leg motion enough that she can't stretch and for some reason it seems to be making her all 'bunged' up. *Sigh*. If it's not one thing it's another.

Brian and I are also finding ourselves somewhat 'emotionally damaged' to use a phrase from the movie we saw on the weekend (Friends with Benefits...funny, go see it if you are looking for a good romantic comedy). Brian's birthday was this past Monday and over his 'birthday weekend' he just didn't seem to be in the mood. He was down and kind of grumpy. When I asked him 'what gives?' his response was that he honestly didn't know. He was sad and couldn't tell me why. He explained "I'm just not as happy as I used to be".

I get it. I do. Before early 2010 he was a happier guy. More carefree. More positive. The past two years have really taken a toll. We are finally experiencing some happy with Kaia...but it's still hard and stressful having a baby in the NICU. We also have some worries about raising a former preemie, and one that might require hip surgery in the coming year, no less. We are massively grateful for her, don't get me wrong...but Kaia is only herself. She cannot 'make up' for the loss of Aidan (no 'next' baby could) and the stress we have lived under these last months (or years if you want to look at it that way), lingers.

It's weird. You would think after all we've been through that life's troubles or unknowns would bother us less. I mean, really, Kaia's here...she's done AMAZINGLY well considering what our initial prognosis was. I'm healthy and recovering well after the C-section. I'm pumping huge quantities of milk (1L a day or more) so Kaia is being fed well. My awesome online friends (that's you!!!) helped me buy the stroller I've always wanted and it's sitting in my living room ready for Kaia's arrival. My 'real life' baby shower is this weekend and I'm sure I'm (or rather Kaia...) is going to be spoiled with presents from all my friends and family. You'd think nothing could bother us...

And yet I find myself maybe once a week having a 'bad' day. Where I don't sleep well. I'm frustrated and down. Where stupid things bother me. Where I worry about money, worry about Kaia excessively, worry about my extended family. Feel stressed by Kaia's medical issues. You'd think none of these things would touch me at this point. I got what I wanted, and I'm over the moon grateful. Why so glum?

I thought about this last year after Aidan died. How you'd think having a dead baby would make you kind of immune to all the other disappointments or difficulties in life. At that point you KNOW there are worse things, so why get all upset over something comparatively small? You'd think those things wouldn't matter. But they do. Almost more so. Somehow, in the short term at least, big stresses in life magnifies all of life's other struggles. Hence my cry fest in June last year when I couldn't go see the new Twilight movie on the day it came out (pathetic I know).

So, now I find out, on the flip side, that when you finally get that longed for baby after a massive up hill battle, while it is wonderful and great and she is awesome and so loved...the stress of the past and the stress of a new baby doesn't magically melt away either. The scars are still there. Comparatively small things are once again magnified. Hence, yesterday at the end of a bad day, when I got out of the car and scratched myself on my neighbours rose bush thorn, it was the last straw and I broke down crying (I know, I'm such a baby).

I know someday, probably sooner than I expect, Brian and I won't feel quite so emotionally damaged. Things will roll off our backs more easily. The stresses of every day life won't seem so monumental. We will be more centered and things will just 'flow', or at least not feel so stressful.

It's coming. I know it is.

We just have to be patient.

Does this ring true for you too?

Life Goes On

2011-08-03T19:59:00.010-04:00

Day 26

Sorry I haven't been getting updates on here as regularly as I would like. It's been a bit of a hectic week. The visitation and funeral for my Grama was yesterday and today. It was nice to see people I have known for years but haven't seen in awhile. It was amazing how many had heard of Kaia and were obviously thrilled to learn that she was alive and doing well. I wish she could have been 'present' (not that a newborn would be the best guest at a quiet funeral), but it would have been fun to show her off 'for real' and not just in photos.

As we are approaching 4 weeks out from Kaia's birth I'm getting more and more anxious for her to come home. She's more interactive and responsive and it sucks leaving her at the hospital each day. I realize it could be awhile longer, but as she gets bigger and bigger (almost 4 lbs 15 oz!), it's easier to picture her as a 'real' baby who lives with us and not a 'preemie' who lives at the hospital. She's starting to have some chub on her cheeks and she's definitely longer than when she was born. She fits into preemie clothing now, so I've had fun picking out outfits that will fit her for all of a week or two before she gets too big to wear them. She's still needing a bit of oxygen, but seems to be better at keeping her sats up and doesn't 'dip' as much. Her breathing also seems a *wee* bit slower than it did last week, so I'm hopeful that's a sign of easy breathing to come (soon please?!!)

I must admit, I'm anxious for her to come home not just for her sake (healthier, bigger, stronger...good to go home!)...but for ours. Cuz' holy crap...it is EXHAUSTING having a kid in the hospital. I constantly feel like I should be somewhere else. When I wake up in the morning, I want to hurry through pumping, showering, dressing and get my butt to the hospital...but WAIT there is housework and chores to do. So when I get to the hospital and see Kaia, I'm happy...but WAIT it's feeding time and I have to try to breastfeed (which is not progressing as quickly as I had hoped...but I'm sticking with it). Then I snuggle her for awhile (best part of the day)...but WAIT now it's time to pump again, and then I get hungry and must find food...but then, oh no, look at the time, it's time to pump again... So then I get back on the bus, head home, make dinner...pump some more x 3, then go to sleep, wake up x2 overnight and pump...then wake up for a third time and do it all again. Whew!

The inefficiency of pumping bothers me. Why can't I just sit every morning, throw on a good movie and pump for like 2 hours straight? It would be so great if I could get all my day's milk in one go. Think of the time I'd save!!! Having to stop every 3 hours for 20 minutes at a time and attach myself to plastic bits which I then have to wash afterwards (I have dish pan hands!!), is so tiring. To feed Kaia directly will be more fun and satisfying and definitely more portable as I won't have to plug her into to an electric socket to get her to milk me. To give you an idea of my life right now: Brian and I usually are NEVER late for anything. We are almost always the first ones to show up at any gathering...but today, (BECAUSE OF PUMPING), we were the absolute LAST people to arrive before the funeral started. Almost late to my Grama's funeral because of my boobs...how embarrassing.

We are also busy as we are trying to get as many things done prior to Kaia's arrival home that we can. Most people do these sorts of things in the last 20 weeks of their pregnancies, but since we were a little busy worrying about our child's survival while I was pregnant, we are trying to get them all crammed in now. We have acquired many baby items including a car seat, crib mattress, baby clothes, stroller (THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED...I will do a post specifically about this item very soon, I promise), and bedding set. Others are on order including Kaia's bed room furniture. We have made a registry for a lot of other stuff and my 'real life' baby shower is planned for August 13th.

In all the 'happy' that has been going on with us, there have been a few down moments when I reflect that I should have been doing all of this last year for Aidan. My uncle introduced me to someone at the visitation last night as 'his niece who just had her first baby'. Um...not exactly...but what was I going to say at that point? Funerals are places people feel comfortable expressing their condolences, but feel much better saying "I'm sorry about your (85 year old) Grama (who had Alzheimer's, was almost blind, deaf and had a broken hip)", then they do when you say "Oh, no, Kaia's not my first baby...my first baby died last year at less than an hour old". People have more trouble with that one.

But I can't blame my uncle for his slip. You see, I've done it too.

The other week I was at the hair dressers get a much needed cut. As I was sitting down in the chair to have my hair washed, the hair dresser was telling me all about her son's girlfriend who is due with her first grandchild in December. She was looking forward to the "gender ultrasound" planned for later that week and she was guessing it was a girl. With all this talk, I shouldn't have been surprised (but I was), that she commented on my baby pooch and asked "are you expecting too?" (note: way to make a postpartum woman feel like shit...tell her she looks pregnant. If her baby is healthy and alive, it makes her feel fat. If her baby is dead, it makes her feel fat and depressed). So I told her about Kaia, and how she's in the NICU, but doing well etc. Then the woman asked the dreaded "is she your first?", and I responded in the affirmative.

In that moment I didn't really feel badly about doing so. I didn't really feel in the mood to 'share'. I'm not a regular customer of this woman's and she never saw me pregnant with either Aidan or Kaia, so it's not like she'll ever call me on it. Most of all I didn't really feel like yelling Aidan's story over the noise of running water and blow dryers. It's just not that kind of story. Plus it seems terrible to share your story of babylost-ness with someone who has just told you how excited they are to meet their new bundle of joy. Buzz kill, much?

But then something happened...

I'm not sure if it was me sharing that Kaia was in the NICU or what, but the next thing out of the hairdressers mouth is "My daughter-in-law's best friend was due this week. She went to the hospital and the doctor sent her home saying she wasn't ready to deliver yet. So she waited over the weekend and then she woke up and said she felt different..."

Oh shit...I know what is coming next. I've heard this story dozens of times in the past year...

And sure enough...

"...and she went to the hospital and her baby was dead".

Damn. Some other woman, maybe younger, maybe older, maybe black, white or Asian, maybe richer, maybe poorer, maybe more or less educated...has just become like me. A woman whose baby died before that baby had a chance to live. It's just not fair.

And at that moment, I wanted to go back and tell the hairdresser that I too lost a child...my first...and it was horrible and terrible and yet I wouldn't have taken his existence back for the world. His name was Aidan and he was perfect..and could she please tell this newly bereaved woman that things won't always be this bad? That while life will suck for a good long while, and that there are going to be plenty of sad, depressing and awful days ahead, and while it will NEVER NEVER be okay that her baby died...she won't always feel this bad. Life will get better. She will smile again.

But no, that new babylost mom has to learn that lesson herself, in her own way, in her own time. Nothing I can say, no wisdom I can impart will make it easier. 'Better' cannot be rushed, but nor, thankfully, can it be stopped. Life goes on. It just does.

Kaia says so:

Grama

2011-07-29T10:48:00.007-04:00

Day 21

My grandmother died yesterday.

If you remember she broke her hip about two weeks ago. Initially she seemed to do okay after surgery. They were getting her up into the chair and making small progress towards heading to a rehab centre, when her heart started to act up. On Wednesday night she was having trouble maintaining all bodily systems at an even keel (her heart rate would speed up, then they'd give her meds to slow that down...but then her O2 sats would drop etc.) She died around 11 am yesterday morning.

I wish I had got to see her one last time. I feel bad that I don't think I'd seen her since Christmas, when she lives a 20 minute drive from us. Now I suppose I had a good excuse, being on bed rest for over 100 days this year, but still... I wish I'd made the time the last couple of weeks to go see her in the hospital. To be fair, I was afraid to bring any of Grama's hospital germs to Kaia...but I could have come home and showered between hospitals. She just seemed to be doing well, and I thought I would get the chance to see her again soon.

My Grama was my last living grandparent. When Aidan died last year, one of the small hurts among thousands was that I was afraid my Grama would die before I could get a picture of her with her great-grandchild. Then Kaia was on her way...then Kaia was born...and now my Grama is gone. And I'll never have that photo. It's a small thing to be sure, but it would be nice to have a picture of my Grama with my baby, so I could say to Kaia one day "that's you with your great-grandmother". I have a few photos of me as a baby with my great grand-mother. I was hoping for one for my child.

Since Grama had Alzheimer's she was often best with people and things that cannot talk...for instance she LOVED her dog. She didn't have to verbally communicate with a dog, or remember or pay attention to anything a dog said, and thus dogs for her were easy to be with. I haven't seen my Grama with a baby in years, but I had hoped she'd get some of the same satisfaction out of holding a small person who would have no demands for conversation. I guess I'll just have to imagine she and Kaia would have got along smashingly.

The hardest part to swallow about my Grama's death is that prior to her broken hip, she was in very good shape physically. Her family doctor kept telling my uncle she could live another 10 years. Mentally she wasn't all there, but she didn't have heart problems, she didn't have diabetes, she didn't have high blood pressure (or low blood pressure). She ate well and loved having 'a cup of tea' at almost any time of the day. She could still go for short walks. She didn't use a wheelchair, a walker or a cane (although now I'm wondering if that would have helped to prevent her fall). But one little (okay big) broken hip, and two weeks later she's gone.

It's things like this that make me so fearful for my family, and for me and for Kaia. Grama was fine...and then she's dead. I mean granted she was 85...but still...fine, and then dead. It's scary how fragile life is. As much as my Grama hasn't been herself since the Alzheimer's started to get bad...I'm going to miss having her around. She was an important part of my childhood, and now she's gone.

In Kaia news, she's still needing the extra whiff of oxygen. They tried to wean her off of it yesterday and she started desatting into the mid to low 80s overnight so they put it back on. I'm kind of sad that she's NEEDING the oxygen, but trying to keep it all in perspective. She's not a 'normal' ex-32 weeker. She's at high risk of chronic lung disease due to her lack of amniotic fluid, and I'm okay with her not being 'pushed'. She's also going down for her hip ultrasound today, so we will know for sure if she has hip dysplasia and is going to need a harness. I'm betting on it. What did make me feel better was that when I told my brother about Kaia's hip issue, he said that his girlfriend also had hip dysplasia as a child. Hers was corrected with surgery. I've known his girlfriend for 5 years, and I never would have known that about her. So I guess it is pretty fixable. Good news is that Kaia's other issues aren't holding her back in the weight department. She was 1990 grams as of last night (ALMOST 2KG!!!) and gained 85 grams in one day! That's over a pound since she started gaining weight after her initial loss after birth. My little chunker. At least all that pumping is going to good use.

Long haul

2011-07-27T15:10:00.005-04:00

Day 19

Kaia is doing better. She's still on a tiny bit of oxygen (25mls), but she's not having desats when not being handled, and only a few with handling so she seems better. She does seem to tire after being held for an hour, but I'm getting used to her pattern and am now holding her for a hour while her feed goes in, and then I put her back and she's good again. This actually works out well as an hour is about how long I can stand sitting in the terrible chairs they have in this NICU. They are like doctor's office waiting chairs, not comfortable for sitting in to Kangaroo your baby. I think she might be able to handle longer if I didn't have to move her around so much near the end of the hour because I'm so uncomfortable.

We don't have any explanation as to why she is needing oxygen now, after not needing any while on CPAP during her first week of life, and was doing okay off anything at all during her second week of life. I'm kind of wondering if the fact that she has gained so much weight (relative to her body size) in a short period of time is necessitating the extra oxygen. She's now up to 1925 grams (almost 4 lbs 4 oz) which is only 2 oz away from a whole pound heavier than she was at birth. Oxygenating all that extra weight might just be a wee bit too much for her lungs at this point. I'm okay with her being on a bit of oxygen as long as she's comfortable and not in any distress. I hope she can get off oxygen as she gets bigger before she's ready to come home...but I've read about other pPROM babies needing to come home on oxygen...so we'll just see what happens.

The other thing was that I met the OT today. She is waiting for Kaia to have a hip ultrasound for confirmation, but she's thinking that she might have hip dysplasia. If this is the case, she will likely need to wear a harness (Pavlik harness) for awhile (months?) in order to get the hip to move back into alignment. I knew that because Kaia was in frank breech position, without normal fluid volumes that she was at high risk for hip issues, so I'm not surprised...but it's sad to have another 'problem' on top of prematurity, lung issues, and head shape issues.

The harness I'm expecting will look something like this:
Which of course brings up the issue...how do you dress a child in a hip harness? I think, along with making friends with our local occupational and physical therapists we are going to be a big fan of dresses. I hope we will be one of the 'lucky' ones that gets to remove the harness for an hour a day. I was really looking forward to 'bath time fun!' and if you end up having to wear the harness 24-7, sponge baths are called for.

The good news that I have read about hip dysplasia is that a) it's not life threatening b) if caught early there is a really good chance that the harness will be enough 'treatment', that surgery won't be required, and that no long term complications are expected in terms of walking or hip pain. So yeah for that!

I am doing better as well. I think someone wrote me a comment a while back that talked about moms having their NICU 'breakdown'. I think Monday was mine. I think it had something to do with the fact that I realized Kaia may need to be hospitalized for a little longer than I was hoping. With her amazing 'turn around' so quickly in her first couple of days, I think I was half expecting her to be home within a couple of weeks. There seems to be moms on babycenter who had 32 weekers that were home by 35 or 36 weeks, and that had my hopes up. Now I'm just hoping Kaia will be home by her due date, which won't be until the first week of September. And even that I don't want to cling too closely too. She will be home when she's ready. She doesn't need to measure up to anyone else's standards. She's had a rough road already, and if it means she needs more time to 'bake' in the hospital, we're just going to have to wait it out with her. And we'll do so gladly if it means she comes home healthy.

The other thing that was stressing me out was that Monday was supposed to be Brian's first day back to work. Which would have meant it was my first day on my own. Not a big deal, right? I'm an adult, right? Why should that cause me such panic?

Then I realized...it would be my first full day on my own SINCE MARCH. I literally have not been alone for longer than a few hours since my membranes ruptured. My family and friends (and then the nurses) did an amazing job of watching out for me and staying with me 'just in case something happened' during my entire time on bed rest. I haven't had to make myself a meal, take public transit, or manage stressful situations on my own for months. I got so used to being in 'impending doom' mode that when Kaia started to breathe a bit faster, and needed oxygen I was afraid to have to 'deal' with the situation on my own. Now that things have settled a bit, Brian went back to work today...and you know what? It was okay. I'm okay. I went to visit Kaia today on my own...and it was nice. Quiet and peaceful.

But if we're in for a long haul at the hospital before she comes home, I'm gearing up for it. Pacing myself. Taking breaks when I can. I remember telling parents when I worked in the NICU that they were in for a marathon, not a sprint, and to pace themselves accordingly. Hopefully we're in for a 5K rather than a full marathon...but no matter what, I'm so grateful and happy to be there for her.

Blip

2011-07-25T21:22:00.004-04:00

Day 16

Yesterday we had Kaia out of her isolette and I was even trying to do some non-nutritive sucking with her (where you pump off as much milk as you can and then have the baby try to 'practice' feeding, so they don't get a big gush of milk). Anyway, Brian and I had her out of her isolette for about 2 hours and at first she was doing really well...but near the two hour mark she started to have a few more desats than usual. We decided she'd had enough and put her back in her isolette and shortly after went home. We called an hour or so later and the nurse said she was breathing kind of fast, but otherwise seemed fine.

Overnight however, she started to have a few more desats into the 80s, and her respiratory rate remained high. When I called around 3am, the nurse said she had started her on low flow (oxygen via nasal prongs) at 75cc. By 6am they decided to draw blood cultures, just in case. Over the day, her respiratory rate has remained higher than even her usual fast respiratory rate (her usual was 60s-70s and today it's been more like 80s to 90s). They did a chest x-ray and blood work and nothing has come back showing anything out of the ordinary. She seemed a little better tonight when we were there. Calm, but reactive. They aren't going to start her on antibiotics unless she shows any other signs of being sick.

I, however, LOST it. I've been crying, or on the verge of tears almost all day. Nurse me realizes that she's really actually doing okay, and while this might be a bit of a setback, she's still small and it's to be expected with all she's been through. I mean, just over two weeks ago she was intubated and on nitric oxide for goodness sake. She's done really well and we just have to be patient and wait for her to get bigger and stronger. The hospital she's in is doing all the right things and she's safe and not in any real distress.

Mom me however, is scared and worried and upset. I'm so afraid of being away from her and yet when I'm there beside her isolette I'm watching her like a hawk and just waiting for the alarms to ring off. I'm exhausted from crying and pumping and crying some more. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to be safe.

It didn't help that today was the day Brian was supposed to go back to work. At 6am after we heard about the blood cultures we decided that he would stay home even though he's out of paid time off. I'm glad he did though, because I wouldn't have been able to cope today without him. He does need to go back soon though.

I just want my girlie to be okay. These last two weeks of planning for a baby to come home have been wonderful. I have so enjoyed my break from constant stress and worry.

I need my Kaia to be okay. If you have any positive energy vibes left in you to spare, please send them this way. Hopefully things are brighter in the morning.

The Girl Who Lived!

2011-07-22T23:03:00.004-04:00

Day 14

I'm calling this photo "YEAH, I LIVED!!!!"

Hagrid will be along to pick her up for Wizarding school on July 9th 2022.

Ship shape

2011-07-21T10:13:00.010-04:00

Day 13

Juy 21st. Today was the day my C-section was 'scheduled' for. Ha! Best laid plans. I had a feeling when we were making that plan that we wouldn't last that long. If we had, it would have meant Kaia was stronger, older and heavier. Perhaps she might not have needed so much ventilatory support at birth. But maybe she would have anyway? We'll never know. Today is also the hottest day on record for July 21st in my area...ever. If she had been born today, I would have never got to go outside and experience it!

Kaia is doing well in her new digs. We went to see her last night in her new NICU (so close by!). It's MUCH smaller than the old one. I'm pretty sure only 3 nurses work at a time and there are maybe 10 babies max. It's a lot quieter, which I like, since it might be more restful for Kaia and certainly less noisy for us when we visit. I'm still a little nervous about her new Level 2 status...but I keep thinking "it's this, and then home where there will be no monitors and no O2 sat probes". So this is a good in between step. It's a little challenging to get used to a new NICU though. New nurses, new rules, new expectations of us. It will be so lovely to be 'in charge' when she comes home. I now understand how much it sucks to have to 'ask' to hold your own kid.

Here's another photo! She looks like a mini version of her Dad in this one.

Some of you have also been questioning how I am doing (thanks for not forgetting about me in the rush to ooh and aww over the baby!!!)

The answer is that I'm doing okay, actually. I had a low transverse incision through both my skin and my uterus (yeah!!!) so healing with that is going well. We took the steri-strips off a few days ago and I think the incision will be barely noticeable once everything heals up. I'm pleased about that. I already have a lot of scars on my chest and back from my heart surgeries as a kid so I wasn't looking forward to having another one.

Recovering from a C-section is definitely harder than from a vaginal delivery (unless you have a lot of tearing...in which case I concede defeat, cuz' that might just suck worse). I have found the associated swelling to be the worst part. For the first week, my belly, feet, ankles and calves were quite swollen by the end of the day after walking to and from the car to the hospital. My legs would start to feel like I was dragging around lead weights and only getting into bed at the end of the day, and having the cool fan blow on them, would make them feel better. It was bad enough that standing by Kaia's isolette was difficult. The swelling slowly seems to be improving. Last night only my feet were mildly swollen as I crawled into bed around 10pm.

Recovery from bed rest is going to take longer than C-section recovery. I can tell I've lost muscle tone, especially in my legs and back. The lack of tone is also probably making the leg swelling worse. The other night Brian was busy starting to paint Kaia's room and asked me to get him something from the basement. The walk back up all the stairs to the top floor felt like I was mountain climbing (we live in a multilevel town house...hence a lot of stairs). I was huffing and puffing and could have used one of those grappling hooks to haul my butt up the last leg of the trip. Seriously, there should have been a 'rest spot' along the way. With water and a snack provided.

However, I'm determined to get back into shape. Which will be difficult initially as I'm not suppose to 'exercise' for 6 weeks (is stair climbing considered exercise...cuz' it sure feels like it!) After that, I hope Kaia will be home and I can start taking her for walks in her stroller (thanks for your help on that everyone!!!) to strengthen my legs and back. I could start working on my arms, which could use some toning too, but I was also informed by my the nurse at the hospital that I'm not suppose to lift anything over 10 lbs for 6 weeks. I keep looking at all the mountains of stuff lying around my house (it needs cleaning) and wondering "does that weigh over 10 lbs?" So I've stuck to sorting out all the paperwork and un-dealt with mail lying around in piles. What I wonder though is "what if your BABY weighs over 10 lbs?" I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's necessary to pick up your child in the first 6 weeks after birth...if only to feed him or her occasionally.

All in all though, I feel I've done fairly well physically with this whole pregnancy thing. In fact, when I think about it, in the last 20 months I've been pregnant twice (lasting a total of 55 weeks + 5 days), been on bed rest for almost exactly half of that time (27 weeks + 5 days). However, my heart has done just fine and seems pretty much the same as when I started. I never had any major 'pregnancy' illnesses such as pre-eclampsia, extreme vomiting, or gestational diabetes. I had very few minor 'pregnancy' complaints either. I almost never had heart burn, only minor nausea and vomiting in the first trimester, almost no swelling and no stretch marks. I weighed myself yesterday and I'm only 12 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight (although I've lost muscle too, and that weighs more). I've also discovered I'm a good 'cow' too. I'm pumping between 70 to 120 mls each pumping session. Over 700 mls in total yesterday. That's enough to easily feed a 9 to 10 lb baby. Even my placenta, while totally abnormal looking, managed to get both of my kids to the 'alive' point at birth.

So really, my only complaint is my amniotic sac. That tiny little membrane of mine just couldn't keep it together long enough to have a nice normal pregnancy (TWICE). The rest of my body seemed to be on board...why couldn't it?

If you've had a C-section how did you find recovery? How long before you felt normal again?

Off CPAP!!!

2011-07-20T14:04:00.005-04:00

Day 12

Kaia is off CPAP as of noon yesterday, so she's lasted over 24 hours at this point. The nurses say she's not having any spells, although her respiratory rate is a bit high (40s to 80s, when normally babies are more in the 40s to 60s range). I was so glad she did well coming off because she was starting to have 'spit up' episodes after feeds. CPAP pushes air into the lungs, but it also pushes air into the stomach, making Kaia quite gassy and uncomfortable. Poor chicky. I hope her tummy has a chance to settle down now. I'm working darn hard to pump that milk for you kid...please quit puking it up!

Here is a picture for those of you who are just dying to see her little face without a lot of tubes and wires!

She looks like my husband from the nose up, and like me from under her nose down to her chin. Aidan looked JUST like Brian, so it's kind of neat to see some of my own features in a baby. Fortunately I've always been told I have nice lips. Hopefully she gets my nice teeth too because they are straight and fairly white and I never needed braces (yeah for money saving perfection!!!). It's also very weird to think of my baby GROWING UP (but WONDERFUL)!!! Aidan will only ever be 23 weeks + 3 days... Since I cannot have him back, I would love a yearly picture of him as he would look 'now'. Just to see if his eyes would have been blue like mine or green like Brian's. Would his hair have been dark or light? Would he have been stocky or thin? And most important...would he have been happy and healthy? I know for sure he would have been loved.

In other big news, we got a call from the hospital this morning saying they were hoping to TRANSFER Kaia to a LEVEL 2 nursery closer to home. The hospital that will be taking her is not my favourite one, but it is the closest. It's a 5 minute drive from home and when Brian goes back to work I can either walk (if it ever cools off here, it's going to be 48 degrees Celsius with the humidity tomorrow...which is something like 126 F) or take the bus during the day to see her. Parking will still be expensive, but not as bad. If we get a 2 week pass, it will cost us $84. (Hey a hospital with a parking pass option for patients and their families, HOW NOVEL!!!)

I'm a little nervous having her away from the Level 3 nursery. It will be absolutely AWESOME in terms of visiting her and being close by, and I love that it means she's getting bigger and healthier and closer to coming home...but it's scary leaving behind all the high tech help in Level 3. The nurse who called from her current hospital this morning did say her new hospital could handle it if she needed CPAP again...but of course my mind goes to WAY worse things that I'm not even going to type on here.

*Just breathe*

I also wanted to take this opportunity to profusely thank all of you who have contributed to "Kaia's Online Babyshower"! The support you have provided us is amazing. I wish I could have you all come to a REAL babyshower where I could give you cake, and mocktails, and we could play stupid games that involve pins and baby bottles and ribbons which are designed to lightly embarrass everyone (especially me). So instead I'll pass you over some "e-cake" and "e-ice cream". It's oh so yummy and low cal too.

Online Baby Shower

2011-07-17T14:36:00.011-04:00

Day 9

Okay, I'm going to do something a bit radical here. I hope no one gets offended. If you do, well...sorry.

I have decided to throw myself an 'online baby shower'. A few weeks ago, I got a lot of comments on a few of my posts saying I should throw up a 'donate' button on my blog (see to the right under where my e-mail address is posted) so that people could contribute to our 'cause'. I wasn't sure about it at the time. I thought people might think I was greedy or trying to profit off our of admittedly crummy circumstances at the time. But after this post, I realized how many of you are out there, and how many of you genuinely cared about how difficult my pregnancy was, and were really hoping for the best for us. I was astounded at how many people worried about "Acorn's" outcome and were pulling for my baby.

Many of you wrote to me either on my blog or via e-mail about how happy you were when Kaia was born alive and doing well. I felt you celebrated right along with us. Some of you even more so than friends or family that I know in real life because you understood how hard we fought and how difficult things were. So many of you were important in keeping my spirits up while on bed rest and maybe, just maybe, some of your positive energy made it to Kaia, since she ended up being the "girl who lived!". Since many of you are so far away, and I cannot invite you all to the baby shower my mother is planning for me, I thought I might use your idea of a 'donate' button to throw myself and Kaia an 'online baby shower'. If you think my idea silly or greedy, please feel free to ignore if you don't want to contribute. I'll continue to blog about my life (if you're still interested in reading) whether you contribute or not.

So, without further ado...this is the item I would love for Kaia:

It is the Uppababy Vista Stroller in 'Denny' (also known as 'red').

Why this stroller you ask? Well, this stroller and I have a long history. I picked it out as the stroller I wanted for Aidan. On my first bed rest go-around, I was sure a baby was coming so I spent hours and hours researching 'the best' baby items. You know, the ones that will last, are well made and a 'good buy'. This stroller is admittedly not cheap and probably falls a little into the 'luxury' baby item category, but it was just so AWESOME that when I showed it to Brian we knew we wanted it for our baby. The weekend before we found out that everything was not going to be alright with Aidan, I had allowed myself off bed rest for an hour to go check out baby stuff (I was less strict with bed rest the first time around, as we thought at the time we were just dealing with a subchorionic hemorrhage). Brian and I pushed this stroller around the store, and when the lady asked if we wanted to buy it, Brian turned to me and said "do you want to get it today?"

Something made me hesitate. Maybe because I was only 17 weeks pregnant at the time and that was just 'too early' to get baby stuff in my mind, or maybe because it seemed like a lot of money in one go and I had to work myself up to spending that much, or maybe because I *just knew* something was wrong... For whatever reason, I said "let's come back another time". A few days later, Brian and I were sobbing in each other's arms and throwing up we were so upset about what Aidan's ultrasound showed. A baby in trouble. A baby who would never need a stroller. A baby who would never come home.

In the months after Aidan died I saw other moms and dads pushing the Uppababy stroller around town or at the hospital where I work. They with their living child, safe in the stroller. Doing normal baby and parent things. Me, outside of all that. Nursing my broken heart. Those of you who have lost a baby probably understand exactly what I'm saying. How a 'thing' associated with 'the new baby' somehow symbolizes all you have lost. For some it's the millions of tiny clothes, lovingly washed and folded and ready...that will never warm and protect and decorate the intended wearer. For others I'm sure it is the room, painted, ready, waiting...for a baby that will never wake up.

That stroller was' it' for us. Somehow it represented all that we lost when Aidan died.

So this is the item that I feel is the most appropriate to ask for help in purchasing from those of you who have followed my children's stories so faithfully. Even though it looks the same as when we would have bought it for Aidan, this stroller is no longer 'just a stroller' in our eyes. It has come to represent so much more. It is freedom from bed rest for me (and a way to get back in shape!). It is a return to 'normal' after feeling like we've been living in a nightmare for so long. It is a healthy baby who comes home (in a car seat not an urn!), who we can look forward to going places and doing things with for a lifetime to come.

This stroller represents dreams that we had, and lost, and now have found again.

So, I will put my donate button up and if you would like to contribute, that would be lovely. If not, that's okay too. I'll leave it up until the end of July because right now the stroller is on a bit of a 'sale' ($50 off!) which ends July 31st and I'd like to purchase it before then. It's $750.00 Canadian and comes with the bassinet to use up to 6 months old, as well as the regular stroller seat which can be used up to 50 lbs. The Uppababy website is here if you want to check it out.

Please remember I live in Canada so all donations will be in Canadian funds.

Thanks in advance to anyone who contributes. Kaia and I and Brian appreciate it immensely.

Bath Time!

2011-07-16T09:10:00.007-04:00

Day 8.

Kaia is over a week old! She's already lost weight and then regained it and has surpassed her birth weight. The report I got at 2 in the morning last night said she was 1610 grams. As a nurse, I remember parents always wanted to know this information whenever they would call after bath & weigh time. I never understood how exciting it was to hear that your teeny tiny kid had gained weight.

I also got to do her bath all by myself the other night. I told the nurse I was comfortable with taking her off the CPAP and washing her myself and she said "okay...call me if you need anything!". YES! So here are pictures of my first time bathing Kaia. The tape on her nose is protection against the CPAP prongs. I left the tape on as it's a pain (and expensive) to replace.

You can really see her 'dolicocephaly' in these photos. It makes me a little sad that she doesn't have a round head. I don't want other people to see it and think she's funny looking or wonder 'why is her head shaped like that?' We understand that it's a badge of honour...she wouldn't have a head shaped like that if she hadn't had such a fight in the womb, but still it's not 'normal'. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm betting throughout her first year. We will just have to become a fan of hats.

I am also understanding what people mean about 'postpartum hormones'. We decided to go to Babies R Us the other morning to buy Kaia a few cheap blankets that she can use while she's in the hospital. As a nurse, I would feel so bad when parents would bring in these beautiful and obviously expensive blankets to wrap their hospitalized babies in...because we would inevitably spill stuff on them, or drop them on the floor...or (whoops) lose them in the bowels of the hospital laundry system. So I wanted to get some of those cheap receiving blankets that while soft and nice, could be replaced if lost.

Well, I cried almost the whole way to Babies R Us. We have driven past that store SO many times, wistfully wondering if we'd ever get to shop there for OUR baby. We went in only once during Aidan's pregnancy 'just to look', before we knew things were already going wrong. We hadn't been back since. It was truly lovely to do something 'normal'.

Of course, I find my babylostness affects so much how I am viewing Kaia and our experiences with her. Not in a bad way, but in a much more 'aware' way. For example. On Monday, when I was still in the hospital and after they had switched Kaia to BiPhasic, the nurse was happy to let me hold her. A big production is made of 'holding'. It's a lot of effort to get those preemies in and out of their isolettes. A chair needs to be found for me to sit in, a blanket needs to be brought for Kaia to lay on, tubes and wires and need to be gathered and placed 'just so'. It takes a few minutes.

So while all this was going on, I looked over to Kaia's neighbour baby. He is obviously a lot smaller and therefore a lot sicker than Kaia. He's on the 'jet' ventilator and 'swings' in terms of his oxygen sats. His monitors are always ringing off. His mother was sitting beside his bed. She was looking over at us and watching the kerfuffle going on around me and Kaia. It was her face that did me in. She looked SO sad. Exactly the way I remember my face felt last year after Aidan died as I watched other mommies. Sad, disappointed, jealous, wistful. It was like looking into my past. I wanted to say to that woman "I TOTALLY get it...I really do! I'm sorry seeing me hold my baby makes you sad. I hope yours gets bigger and better and healthier and you too can have this experience one day." But there are no guarantees that she will. I mentioned it to Brian afterwards and just the way he said "I know", I knew that he had seen her the same way I did.

What was really upsetting was that two days later the baby was gone from that spot. As soon as I noticed the lack of binging and bonging from the monitors, and looked over and saw him missing, I started to cry. "Oh No!" cried my poor babylost heart. So even while I was stroking my living, breathing baby's hand I was crying, thinking of how sad that other mother might be right that instant.

Then a miracle (okay, well it was more of a coincidence) happened. One nurse walked over and asked another "where did the baby go that was in this spot?" pointing to the spot where Kaia's neighbour had been. Another nurse answered "oh, he went to (other hospital where I work)...he'll be back tomorrow".

You mean he's not dead??!!! That mommy's baby is still binging and bonging, only in another NICU? HURRAH!

While it wasn't great news that he had gone to the hospital where I work as it likely means he needs surgery, it was such a relief. My suspicion is that he went for a PDA ligation, in which case, hopefully he will be able to get off 'the jet' and start to improve in terms of his oxygen needs and O2 sats.

Maybe soon that mommy will be holding her little "binger" with a lot less "binging" and a lot more happiness.

I hope so.

If you've had a baby 'after', did you find yourself a lot more aware of your good fortune than you might have been otherwise? How so? Did any situation occur to make you feel especially 'lucky'?

Ok, I lied I'm back

2011-07-14T13:24:00.003-04:00

Day 6, I'm pretty sure.

I just can't stay away from here. I'm feeling a little more comfortable at home, although I wish I didn't have to be so far from Kaia. I get a little nervous at night being away from her and my mind starts to go to "if" rather than "when" and then I get teary and upset. It's hard being a post babylost, post traumatic pregnancy, premature baby mom and dad. We feel a little fragile.

But, on to the update.

First of all, Kaia is doing really well. She's on CPAP, breathing room air (no extra O2), she's got her umbilical lines out and is working up on feeds. It made me so happy yesterday when the nurse said "I don't think she'll be here long". I was thinking that too as an NICU nurse, but it was nice to hear someone else say it. She's currently in a level 3 NICU, and doesn't really need that level of care so they might transfer her to a hospital closer to home, maybe once she's off CPAP. That would be much more convenient, although I've really liked all the nurses she's had and would be sad to leave them behind. I've got to hold her twice now, once 'skin to skin' and that was wonderful. Her skin's so soft and I love her little noises and how content she seems lying on me. It made my uterus contract like a bitch afterwards though...further proof mommy and baby are biologically so connected.

Unfortunately, we also got some terrible news last night. My grandmother, who already suffers from poor eyesight, poor hearing and Alzheimer's, fell and broke her hip. I was so upset for her and for my dad last night. My Dad just got through visiting his daughter at the hospital, his granddaughter is still in the hospital and now so is his mother...and not even the SAME hospital. My Grama has a hard time dealing with 'new' circumstances and the hospital isn't a place she's been very much until now. She's currently stable and awaiting surgery. I was glad to hear she's not in a lot of pain, and she's sleeping a lot, so at least she's not aware of what's going on. It just feels like another "Oh God, what now??!!" element to add to our lives. Plus the summer is the one time of the year that my grandmother probably enjoys the most since my parents take her to the cottage on weekends. Now she'll be hospitalized and in rehab for who knows how long.

*Sigh*

I have other fun stuff to write about later, but that might be tomorrow...or the next day.

HappySadStressedExcitedAnxiousFearful

2011-07-12T20:44:00.004-04:00

Day 4...maybe? What the hell day is it now?

As you can see by the title of my post things are just a *wee* bit hectic right now, both in my life and in my mind. I was discharged from the hospital today and given a clean bill of health by all concerned. After that it took us like 5-6 hours for me to pump, visit Kaia, pump again, pack up almost 3 weeks worth of shit in my room, go buy a pump for home use, get my meds (Tylenol 3s) and finally drive home. The cleaning ladies at the hospital were anxiously standing by my door as we rolled out, ready to turn the room over for the next patient. I felt like yelling "I'm GOING, I'm GOING!!" I can understand now why new parents say there are never enough hours in the day. And having to do all that after 15 weeks of bed rest and major surgery is, how shall we say...difficult, and MASSIVELY exhausting. (I did walk out of the hospital though...go me!)

As for Kaia, she is chillin' in the NICU and doing well by all accounts (including mine). She was extubated last night and has been on Biphasic (look it up) since then. She is definitely progressing in the right direction and we are SO pleased...and anxious, and scared, and happy and excited and nervous. It's like we're in a bit of shock and can't quite stop holding our breathe and waiting for bad news. I knew she would be in the NICU after birth and I knew it would be hard to leave her there, but DAMN did I ever want to just grab her and run today. I felt like saying "just give me all the machinery...I watch her at home!!!" I almost didn't want to get discharged today just because it was so nice to just be down the hall from her (and you KNOW how much I hate the hospital). Now I'm a 25min-1hr (depending on traffic!!) car ride away...and that feels like way too much.

I told Brian in the car today on the way home, that I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't experience a bit of post traumatic stress disorder after all we've been through. Flashbacks, nightmares and physically feeling not our best I think we've both already experienced. I didn't know it would happen, but it's almost hard being home now. The last time I was here things were really awful. Some of the things I was in the middle of doing, reading or would see every day during that time are making me a bit stressed out. Some of the 'get well' gifts I was given, books I was reading, even packaging from the things I was sent from my bloggy friends is still lying around (no Brian didn't do much 'organizing' while I was away, and I don't blame him...it wasn't important). Just seeing those reminders are freaking me out. Why? Because I associate it with when I thought she would die...and that really upsets me right now. I know I will come to cherish those things again in time (Oh, look, remember this? Aww how sweet and thoughtful so and so was...) But I so just want to let go of the past right now and move forward and doing that is difficult with all the constant reminders.

Even the reminders of pumping and seeing Aidan's things is hard. Not because those are bad or awful in and of themselves (actually I love Aidan's things), but because they remind me of coming home after Aidan died. My milk came in and there was no baby to give it to. And his urn is here...and I had been envisioning a new one beside it for months now. I just want to LET GO of all that now and concentrate on my LIVING child...who will keep on LIVING and THRIVING and DOING WELL and COME HOME in the next couple of weeks (months?) I will eventually create a space in my heart and my home for both my kids...but right now all I am reminded of around here is sadness. I feel I've been living in sick or dead baby land so long I forgot what it was like to be happy.

So fellow bloggers and readers, I may not be 'around' quite as much for a multitude of reasons (number one might be pumping...shit, did you know it takes BOTH hands to perform that feat? How am I suppose to type? Not to mention how body/time/energy monopolizing it is? Sheesh. But it's paying off, I'm pumping about 50 mls per session now. The nurses were impressed).

Before Kaia was born all I wanted to read was sad blogs because I could relate to those. Now, all I want to do, maybe what I even need to do, is immerse myself in the happy. Just like I had to 'move forward' after Aidan's death, I have to 'move forward' after Kaia's birth. I will not be totally gone, of course. I will update on my thoughts as things progress, but I don't know that it will be daily or weekly at this point. Never fear though, I already have a few bloggy post ideas, so I'm sure I'll get to those...but right now, I think I must try to cling to the good.

Kaia deserves a happy mommy.

(Plus my incision kills when I cry).

So, I wanna hear it. What's happy in your life? What makes today wonderful?

Oh yeah...and a picture just because I promised. (Here she is being 'done up' (ie: handled, fed, changed, examined) so she is off any breathing apparatus, so you can see her lovely face...but usually it's all covered up by hoses and a hat).

Acorn Lives!

2011-07-10T09:16:00.001-04:00

Day 2

Sorry to keep you all in suspense. I know you've been waiting for an update so here it is:

Our baby girl, Kaia Morgan was born yesterday, July 9th at 5:18 am. I guessed from my initial look at her that she was 3 lbs 6 oz and sure enough I was bang on. 3 lbs, 6 oz. She did cry at birth (a wee bit), but quickly required life saving measures (scary!!!). She was placed on the oscillating ventilator (which is hard to explain and I'm tired so look it up if you are interested) rather than the conventional ventilator because she needed more help expelling carbon dioxide than the regular ventilator could help her with. She was in a 60-100% oxygen and still not saturation great (sats in the 80s), so they started nitric oxide (look it up again). This helped them wean her oxygen quite quickly yesterday from 60% to 45% to now around 25%. Fortunately she has responded well and they have already been able to wean the nitric oxide from 10 parts per million down to 1 part per million and may discontinue it today.

I'm happy with her progress, but nervous for what lies ahead. I'm so glad she's alive (and a little shocked that she's a she...I was SURE Acorn was a boy). I'm also kind of sad I haven't been able to go visit her yet. I did well during the C-section, but they were being cautious with me cardiac wise, so I had to go right from their recovery room up to the Coronary Care Unit. No stops at the NICU on the way. My incision this morning is quite sore, so although I'm determined to go see my girl today, it might be a quick visit. All they've had me on is Tylenol, so I hope I can get something a little stronger for moving around.

I'll post a picture as soon as I can!

Thank you all so much for your support. I love all your comments and I hope to continue to be able to update you all with good news!

P.S. Kaia's name is pronounced Kai-ya (rhymes with Maya).

Go Time!!!!

2011-07-08T19:40:00.007-04:00

31 weeks + 6 days, 15 weeks + 1 day post rupture, day 15 in the hospital.
(Note: I'm 32 weeks + 1 day according to my LMP).

Well folks, the moment we've all been waiting for is here. I had an ultrasound today and they felt that Acorn wasn't moving as much as he (or she) usually does and only got a 4 out of 8 on the biophysical profile. I knew something was up when my nurse came in an hour after the scan and said she wanted to get a NST done on me (a 20 minute heart rate listen). When she told me what the biophysical profile score was I knew...

It was go time.

Sure enough, the fellow came in and said they want to do the C-section in the next 24 hours. It wasn't an 'emergency' as they felt Acorn's heart rate was fine...but since it was a change for Acorn they decided not to try to push for more time.

As we speak they are organizing my transfer over to 'the case room' where Acorn will be born.

I'm nervous, but I'm not sure I would be any less nervous if we waited 2 more weeks. I'm afraid for the surgery but that wouldn't change either. I'm excited to meet my baby (pleasepleaseplease let my baby be okay) and I'm really excited to be off bed rest. I'm just trying to keep it together...hope, fear, nerves, excitement and all.

So if you pray, please do so. If you don't, please keep everything crossed for us as we prepare to meet (and hear!!!) a screaming Acorn!

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

2011-07-06T21:25:00.006-04:00

31 weeks + 5 days, 15 weeks post rupture, day 14 in the hospital (again).

Awww, I feel so loved. Thanks everyone for commenting on my last post. Keep em' coming. I'd love to hear from all 124 followers!

I'm glad that Acorn and Aidan have made such an impact on so many. Aidan only lived 54 minutes and yet so many of you have connected with him and with us in a way that I could never have imagined last year on April 21st when he was born.

Your 'cyberspace' connection with Aidan reminds me sometimes of the feelings and thought I had towards some of the families I cared for in the NICU. Our staff would look after a baby sometimes for months, so you'd get to know the family. You would get to know their hopes and dreams for their baby, know how hard and stressful things were, how hopeful they were for a good outcome. Then, sometimes, the baby would die. And the family would leave, empty handed.

Good bye. The End.

Only it's not, of course.

While I don't think I truly understood the 'grief' part of their journey until I experienced it myself (I don't think you really can), I would often wonder about those families. Because what happens 'after' is still part of their child's story. How was the family doing? What memories did they have of their child? What were their sadnesses and regrets about their time with their baby? How often did they think of their baby? What is life like 3 months, 6 months or a year or more after one loses a child? Which families recovered 'well', and which ones 'didn't'? Would they be happy to know that I remembered their child? If those families had blogs, I would have loved to read them...and it might have given me better insight as to 'what the hell happens after the baby goes to the morgue?' I feel a bit like you guys out there have got to experience Aidan's 'after' story in a way I felt I never did with those NICU families I cared for...but would have really liked to.

Your cyber relationship with Acorn has me a bit more concerned...not because I don't LOVE and appreciate the fact that so many are rooting for him or her...but I'm so afraid to disappoint you. I know I'll get lots of commenters saying 'don't worry about us'...but I do. Some of you have had major losses of your own, and while I realize you're not as 'invested' in Acorn as you would be your own child, sometimes hearing about any further bad stuff happening to babies and families is just one awful thing too many. So I really hope our little Acorn does well and lives. Mostly for his or her sake, and ours...but for yours too.

Which brings me to my next point. Some of you reading haven't had a loss of your own, but may have experienced one through a family member or friend...or not. Whatever brought you here,

kudos to you for delving into dead baby land, a world that is by definition, scary, sad and uncertain. No lollipops and sunshine over here folks. I remember last summer, when a teenage girl wrote a post on her own blog blasting people who had 'dead baby blogs' as she found them 'morbid and depressing'. People's responses to her were along the lines of 'well, pray it never happens to you!' or blasting her right back for being 'insensitive and rude'. I wrote a response to that here in case you haven't read it.

Anyway, my point is, that it takes courage and strength of character to really just 'be' with someone who is in crisis or who is talking or writing about their "deepest darkest". I have realized this time and time again over the past year. The people in my life who I relate to most, who I appreciate most, are the people who just 'listen', without having to paste a smile or an 'up side' to a terrible situation. Because sometimes there just isn't. And willing it, ignoring it, or faking it, won't make it so.

My mom and I were talking about this today. I haven't spoken to many extended family members since this all went down, but my mom is the great communicator and people in the family come to her (by phone, in person or by e-mail) to get updates about me. I get it, of course. She is out in the world and one of the main questions people want to know is "how's Emily?" My mom, having lived with me, realizes the moment to moment worry and stress this situation brings. There isn't a time when we have been able to 'let our guard down' for 15 weeks, and we are still slogging away. While we are hopeful that Acorn will be okay, and I will have a quick recovery after the C-section, there are no guarantees. Life is tricky that way.

My mother today was upset that some family and friends have insisted on ending conversations that surround me and Acorn as the topic with "well, you just have to think positively!".

Um...right...

It's like they didn't hear a word she said.

That's not being 'with' someone. It's also not a very 'supportive' comment. That is slapping your own shiny label on another's grief and fear and loss and stress and saying "I don't really want to deal with you right now". Which in some respects I get. Just as I could say today "I'm going to think positively about those nuclear reactors in Japan...all that stuff turned out just fine right? No news is good news, right? Those Japanese people just have to think positively...it will all work out in the end!" But that is my 'other side of the world' prerogative. I don't have to deal with that fallout (literally) on a daily basis. My house isn't 5 km down the road from the power plant...so why wouldn't I put it in my mental shredder?

My mom still gets angry at these people for not 'hearing' her, which I understand because some of them are close to her. I, on the other hand, basically have learned to put them in my mental 'outbox'. They don't get it. They can't get it. They aren't here on a daily basis. It's not their kid, and it's not their problem. We have specifically chosen NOT to make it their problem, by keeping relatively quiet and to ourselves these past few months. So, while I'm sure they care and are hoping for a good outcome...they can afford to 'think positively' because they won't be affected on a daily basis by the outcome, whichever way it goes.

So instead of looking for support in places I'm not sure I will get it, I come here. And I write. And you read...but only if you want to. And you take away from it what you will, and you leave supportive comments if you feel like it (which I do appreciate). But I don't sugar coat here and you don't expect me to. Plus I've always found it easier to express myself through writing...and I don't have to end on a high note like I might feel I have to in a conversation.

It's hard to understand babylostness and baby "I'm afraid I'm going to lose-ness" if you've never experienced it yourself. They are not nice experiences and ones people normally shy away from. Both are hard, scary, sad, and depressing. And hard for others to understand because they are (fairly) rare, and are centered around tiny people who aren't 'real' to a lot of outsiders.

So I guess what I want to say is thank you, no matter why you are reading. Those of you who 'get it' because you've experienced it are great and I'm really glad to have your support. Those of you who haven't are special too because you try to 'get it', and I'm glad all of you are taking away something from my life story. Because when you think about Aidan, or root for Acorn you are helping to make my babies 'real'. You are helping to make them matter.

And that means the world to me.

Who's out there?

2011-07-05T20:51:00.005-04:00

31 weeks + 3 days, 14 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 12 in hospital (again).

So, some good news. Dr. W. came in on rounds today and immediately said that my C-section will be scheduled for July 21st, which will be exactly 34 weeks according to my September 1st due date (for you following my ovulation dates which I've been tracking above, it will be 33 weeks + 5 days). Not sure what time, but that's okay because I really don't want people hanging around the hospital 'waiting' for our baby to be born. On that day, I think I just want Brian here and that's it. If things go well, we can then call people to let them know and maybe even allow them to come visit. Same if things don't.

This is all considering we get that far with no disasters befalling us. It's scary, this high alert, watchful waiting, but I realize how much better it is for Acorn and his or her body parts to be born as close to term as possible. I just hope we are 'choosing' right on this. I hope I don't look back and regret it.

Another good thing is that my brand spanking new heparin injections are only given ONCE per day. I'm not sure exactly why this is as I'm more familiar with the twice daily injections we give to NICU babies...but hey, if they want them once a day who am I to argue. Jabbing me just once per day in my fleshy flank is okay by me. The shot didn't even hurt that much last night and if I only have to do it for a few more weeks before my body can (hopefully!) return to it's healthy, mobile, pre-pregnancy state, them I'm cool with it.

So while I'm writing some 'good news' here this evening, I'm actually doing it to keep my mind off my sadness. It's after 9pm, Brian has gone home for the evening, and I'm once again all alone and pondering my worries. Tonight I am longing for home. I haven't been in my own house since May 5th. Two months ago. I didn't miss my house so much while I was at my parents, but here it's different. I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to stretch out on my own couch and read, or sit in my little patch of back yard and smell the evening air. Shower in my own bathroom and use my own towels. Eat off my own plates using my own cutlery.

I miss not being able to walk farther than the bathroom. I miss not being able to decide "what should I have for dinner tonight?" and then go about making it myself (not that I love cooking or anything). I miss the ability to choose when and where and how my life is ordered. I miss feeling healthy. I miss the feeling of 'homeyness' you get in your mind, your body and your soul when things are just safe, and normal, and comfortable.

None of these sadnesses outweigh my desire to bring my baby home healthy and safe, but after almost 15 weeks, the heaviness grinds you down. Sometimes I just have to cry for all I am missing. In the end, what I hope to achieve will make it worth it, but in the mean time, I reserve the right to be sad.

So tonight I would like you guys to do something for me. I have a feeling that quite a few of you are checking up Acorn and following our saga on a regular basis as I regale you with my life's story and pour my heart out into cyberspace. So I was just wondering if you could maybe introduce yourself, especially if you aren't a regular commenter, and tell me why you are reading. It's nice to hear from the world beyond my 4 hospital walls and I would love to hear what you are taking away from my posts. I feel I am affecting the world so little these days, chained to my bed as I am, that it would be nice to hear what you get out of keeping up with my life.

So, 'my peeps', who's out there?

In A Mood

2011-07-04T21:23:00.006-04:00

31 weeks + 2 days, 14 weeks + 4 days post rupture, day 11 in the hospital (again).

So I met with Dr. W. briefly today. She's the doctor who will be taking over as my 'primary' while Dr. S. is on vacation (in the Caribbean, where he doesn't even want to be because he doesn't like the heat...Poor him. I feel like saying 'TRADE YOU! You stay here and lie in bed and bake this baby while worrying constantly about the outcome, while I go relax on the beach'. I don't want to fucking HEAR a complaint about a vacation. Anyway...)

I'm in a real bitchy mood tonight and it might have something to do with the fact that I just got jabbed in my side with my first...wait for it...HEPARIN injection. First of many as they are given twice a day! So now, after 14 weeks of bed rest Dr. W and Dr. S. got together and decided to 'prevent DVTs' (blood clots in my legs) by putting me on heparin injections. That's right folks. We are only just now worried about blood clots. Never mind the 14 weeks of bed rest I've already done. When I questioned 'why are we doing this now after being on bed rest this long?', Dr. S.'s response was 'well now you're in the hospital, so you're probably moving around less'. Um...no...not really. I'm just laying in a less comfortable bed with crappier food and more monitoring. Same bed rest, different locale.

Now, I'm all for not getting blood clots. In fact, this was something I worried about 14 WEEKS ago, and even asked about trying to prevent (with heparin). I was blown off...just like everything else about this pregnancy was blown off initially because 'hey, the fetus isn't going to survive anyway'. So I just continued worrying about it on my own, and did my best to stretch and move as much as I could, beg my husband for massages, and ensure that I get up to pee regularly to a) empty my constantly full bladder and b) to ensure I was at least doing some regular movement.

No it's not the heparin injections that bother me. It's the timing. Today during rounds I made the 'mistake' of asking "so, I was wondering if I could get physio to work with me? I mean, since I'm on bed rest and I'm a high risk cardiac patient, I'd like to be doing SOMETHING to ensure I keep my strength up". You know what the answer was?? "Oh...we don't have physio on this unit. It was phased out 6 or 8 years ago due to budget constraints. They still have it on orthopedics...but not here".

(Jaw...meet floor) ???!!!!

You're telling me that a unit where ALMOST NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GET OUT OF BED, POSSIBLY FOR MONTHS AT A TIME and you DON'T HAVE PHYSIO??? AT ALL?? EVER????

I was literally shocked (and once again impressed with the hospital I work at where if you need physio, you get physio...like the next day. Damn, children are taken much better care of!).

So instead of being able to provide physio for 'oh yeah, a high risk cardiac patient...yeah might not want her to get blood clots...', my Dr.'s have done the only thing they can...order heparin. Cheaper than physio. Stings more too.

I'm seriously going to be writing a letter to the administration after all this is said and done. I cannot believe some of the things they are lacking here. And some of the things they aren't. Each of the nurses carries a (brand new) iphone which they can receive calls from patients' call bells. It's handy for preventing a lot of those overhead pages (absolutely appreciated!), but seems a little extravagant when you expect patients to pay $70 a week for a TV. And serve the same shitty food for breakfast EVERY day. I understand capital vs. operating costs...but come on, one physiotherapist for a floor isn't a huge budget constraint. Sheesh.

Also while Dr. W. was in my room on rounds she mentioned that we might try for 35 weeks.

Uh...okay, I get that you're new to my situation here and maybe you didn't get the message...but HELLS TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm literally on pins and needles as we speak considering 'risking' the race from 32 to 34 weeks. You actually might have to sedate me for that period of time because I'm going to be MAJORLY stressed out. So no way do I want to 'try' for 35 weeks. I don't want to push our luck anymore than we already have. Yes, bigger is better...but not with all the other risk factors we are facing. I think I must have looked panic stricken and am pretty sure I said something like "Um, no. I'm done at 34", because Dr. W. looked a little taken aback at my response.

Fortunately when Dr. S. came in later he said he's on board with booking a C-section at 34 weeks. I said "that will be July 21st". His response was that he won't actually return from vacation until July 25th, so if we did it before then it wouldn't be him doing it. I wanted to laugh...um...sorry Dr. S., while I'm sure that would be a nice 'wrap up' for you to this whole 'interesting' pregnancy, I don't really consider you that integral to our kid's birth. Hell, you weren't there for Aidan's delivery and that somehow worked just fine (other than the quickly deadness of the baby). Just give me someone who can cut a nice line, lift my (screaming) kid out safely and hand him over to the NICU team, and then proceed to sew me up (staple me up?) quickly and neatly. M'kay?

Goodness gracious, Acorn. Mommy's in a mood tonight. Best try to sleep it off. Hopefully tonight we can avoid the 12:30am fire alarm like last night.

Just keep staying alive Acorn. Mommy will handle the rest.

Solid Ground

2011-07-03T16:26:00.006-04:00

31 weeks + 1 day, 14 weeks + 3 days post rupture, day 10 in hospital (again).

Although I'm 31 weeks and 1 day pregnant, my future appears as a black hole. I don't know what will happen tonight, let alone tomorrow or next week or next month. I hope Acorn will be born with a scheduled C-section at EXACTLY 34 weeks gestation (which according to my September 1st due date is July 21st), alive, and breathing well on his/her own, with no signs or symptoms of infection, and will be ready in a short period of time to learn to eat, grow and come home, healthy and normal. I hope I will recover well after my C-section, avoid any infection, major pain, or other heart complications (Dr. S. was throwing around possibly watching for heart failure for up to a week after delivery).

I don't know what the reality will be. It frightens me and makes me feel so alone.

I am hospitalized in the building across the street from where I work, which I can see from my window. To me, that building represents control, power, and normalcy, everything this hospital doesn't. I remember walking down the street towards work in January, February and March of this year and looking across the street to this hospital. Every time I tried to envision me, heavily pregnant, healthy and normal, arriving to birth my full term baby. The trees would be out, it would be hot and I would be SO ready to meet my baby. Cares and worries for his or her survival would be falling away. Acorn would almost be here! Yippee! I remember DREADING, absolutely anything that resembled the situation we are now in. Praying that we could avoid any major complications like last time. Hoping things would just be 'average' with a side of cardiac monitoring to be done. I had lots of hope...until March 24th when things went sideways again.

It's weird how I almost envy people who are TTC or who are newly pregnant these days. Not because I don't love Acorn or would wish to be going through that process again...but because those people still have the possibility of everything going smoothly, and normally. I am happy Acorn has a chance to be born healthy and okay...but I would like that possibility to be larger and more assured than it is right now. What I wanted was "normal" and what I got might be a miracle...or it might not.

Brian is now starting to talk like the baby is going to be alive and okay. On the one hand, I'm glad at least one of Acorn's parents can think so hopefully for him, but on the other, I worry for Brian's sake. How can he get his hopes up? Doesn't he fear the possible fall? Or is setting your hopes high a healthy and normal thing to do, and it's me who is being a stick in the mud and unrealistically pessimistic?

I worry that Acorn will be born and will either die or be severely sick before I ever get a chance to hold him. I worry that I'll be up in the cardiac ICU, suffering from heart failure on the 16th floor while Acorn is fighting for his life down here on the 7th. I worry about what Acorn, Brian and my other family members will have to suffer because of my (2nd) wonky placenta and weak amniotic sac. I worry how many people are going to hurt if Acorn doesn't survive. I worry I will physically, mentally, emotionally and socially never recover. I worry that life will be cruel to us again.

The wait is agonizing. And after 101 days I want to stand on solid ground again. I want to know what will be. I just hope I like what I see.

Are you standing on solid ground these days? How does it feel?

100

2011-07-02T16:44:00.003-04:00

31 weeks, 14 weeks + 2 days since rupture, day 9 in hospital (again).

Today marks 100 days of bed rest (this time). What a milestone. We should celebrate. Where's the goddamn cake?

And while the leaking continues the bleeding has slowed for all of you out there who are following my every (too-much-information) symptoms. Let's hope it was in honour of Canada Day and we can just go back to our regular scheduled programming.

That is all.

Red for Canada Day

2011-07-01T14:00:00.003-04:00

30 weeks + 6 days, 14 weeks + 1 day post rupture, day 8 in hospital (again).

Well, we made it to July. A freakin' miracle according to Dr. S.

But it looks like I'm staying here until delivery. Whenever that is. Now Dr. S. is saying we should maybe try to push to 34 weeks to avoid as many preemie problems as possible. And while that is awesome for Acorn (assuming he has working lungs of course), it makes me nervous (infection! cord compression! prolapsed cord!) and prolongs the agony of "will we or won't we be taking this kid home (in a car seat, not an urn)?". If I knew that it would all be worth it in the end, then what's 2 more weeks of bed rest when you've already done 15 at that point. It makes me nervous waiting when a 32 weeker has almost the same survival stats at a 34 weeker and a 34 weeker only has about a 5% lower chance of long term complications. But an infection or cord compression or prolapse can kill outright. It's very nerve racking.

It is also Canada Day here in my fair country. I loved this holiday as a kid. There were fireworks, flags waving and it was a great 'kick off' to the summer holidays.

Today, here in my hospital room however, it is much different. Today, I started bleeding bright red for the first time since my water broke. A 'common occurrence' for pPROM moms I'm told (and definitely experienced with Aidan last pregnancy), but something I had, so far, avoided this time, which I was incredibly grateful for. Now it hasn't been a huge amount of blood, so I'm hoping it stops (and hey, maybe even creates a nice temporary seal in my membrane?? You know, like closing the door on the way out?), but it was a huge let down and makes me even more anxious. I'm just so TIRED of my body. I don't even want to live in it anymore. It's always sore, achy, weakened and leaking fluid at unpredictable and inconvenient times. And if we have to add 'gushing blood' to that list I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm barely getting by as it is.

I SOOOOOOO envy regular pregnant women right now. Honestly, if I could just get up and walk down the hall without worrying my body's going to self destruct on me, it would be heaven. If I could just roll over in bed without feeling a slow 'drip, drip, drip', I could relax and maybe sleep for more than a few hours at a time. If I didn't have to worry about having everything I own at arms reach because once I'm alone, getting anything for myself becomes a 'risk' which I feel I have to weigh every time (how much do I actually NEED that sock that fell on the floor?) Actual 'pregnancy' symptoms that I've had are the LEAST of my concerns.

So I guess you could describe me as 'pissed off' today. It's a holiday. I would love to go outside (I haven't been outside since I arrived last Friday...and I've only left my room twice for ultrasounds in that entire time). But now I'm afraid due to this 'new' symptom of bleeding. Does it mean something is about to happen? Or is it just another hurdle I will have to deal with?

Maybe it's just my body's way of 'celebrating' the holiday. Red for Canada Day!

Can't go there yet

2011-06-28T21:59:00.004-04:00

30 weeks + 3 days, 13 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 5 in hospital (again).

Thank you for all your lovely comments urging me to have a 'donate' button. I will take your opinions under advisement and will let you know what we decide.

In other news, I saw the Neonatologist today. He didn't say anything that I didn't already know, except he informed me that the initial septic work up for Acorn will include a lumbar puncture. I knew they would draw blood initially to test for infection, but I didn't expect they would do a 'complete' septic work up which includes blood, urine and an lumbar puncture (spinal tap). I'm a little saddened by this info...poor guy, having to get poked in the back on his first day of life...but my mom and my husband were very upset hearing this.

I keep having to remind myself that they aren't used to the NICU. They don't know what happens there. While a complete septic work up isn't fun and it can be kind of painful, it might not be the worst thing Acorn faces. Yes, we are hoping with all we have that Acorn has a fairly easy course once he arrives on 'this side' of the world. But what if he doesn't? What if it's worse...much worse? I'm a little nervous I'm going to have to be the 'strong nurse' and reassure everyone that while the care Acorn is getting might look barbaric, it's for his own good. I might have to do this while also crying inside about how sad I am that it's MY baby having those things done.

This is all assuming Acorn lives of course. I still haven't cleared that hurdle in my mind. As much as you guys are urging me to look at baby stuff in my acres of spare time here (and I do have acres of it), I just can't. I checked out a few car seats today...and I couldn't look anymore. The hurdles we still have to face seem so HUGE. I feel like a fraud checking out baby items as if I might get to use them. I actually still feel a bit like a fraud calling myself 'pregnant', which I know is stupid because I'm over 40 inches around at the middle, I can feel Acorn kicking as I type this, and I can't see my feet when I stand up. But in my mind, pregnant people have every right to assume they will be bringing a baby home and don't have all the scary acronyms attached to their file like I do. I can't go there yet...I don't think I will let myself really believe Acorn's real until he or she arrives and cries and does well.

It's hard and I'm tired. I'm more tired and it's harder being at the hospital. I can't pretend things are 'normal' while I'm here. I can't fake it as well. I hope the time passes quickly. I hope we're heading to a rainbow instead of another storm cloud.

If you've had a pregnancy after loss, did you find it hard to imagine bringing home a baby (even if things were normal and progressing well?) When did it finally feel 'real'?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2011-06-27T21:50:00.005-04:00

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? (The Clash)

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!

Should I stay or should I go?

*Sigh*

So I'm still at the hospital. I'm lonely and it's boring and I actually really miss TV, just for the company (the TV costs money here too so I'm trying to do without it).

Fluid level is at 3.8, so slightly up from Thursday, but I continue to leak just as heavily and Dr. S. came in and said that while my NSTs have looked normal over the weekend and he was fine with me going home, he wanted to warn me about the 'small possibility of cord prolapse'. How if I was here and the cord prolapsed there is a possibility they would be able to save the baby...but Acorn would almost certainly die if it happened at home. Ah, yes, thanks Dr. S. I know I can always count on you for 'keeping it real' and scaring the shit out of me. I know you have to give me ALL of the terrible scenarios but when you phrase it like "at least if you're here you'd know you did everything you could"...it makes me feel really bad about even considering being anywhere else.

Of course if I'm here and I get an infection, I might always wonder if it was some nasty hospital bug I contracted and maybe I would have avoided it if I'd stayed at home? Can't really control that one. I could get infected in either place. It just bugs me (ha! a pun) more here.

So I figure I'll at least suck it up until our scan on Thursday and see what that shows. Hopefully all looks well and we continue on. If I happen to have lots more fluid I might consider going home again. If it's about the same I suppose we continue on (spending money) in the hospital, until at least 32 weeks, when if everyone is on board, I will be rolled into a sterile cold operating room where I will receive a nicely planned epidural and a calm and controlled C-section resulting in a perfectly healthy (premature) baby who screams his frigging head off for being so rudely lifted from his warm cramped quarters. This will of course happen mid-morning, after a good night's sleep with Brian standing at the ready, armed with his camera.

I suppose I do feel somewhat 'safer' here, especially since I'm in my own room and have my own bathroom and do not have to worry that my room mate is going to sneeze and contaminate the air with a virus, or her family might not wash their hands and coat the door knob with e-coli. I will also admit it was scary sometimes at night at home when I'd get a (perfectly normal?) back cramp and wonder "should I be rushing to the hospital now?" At least here, help is only a push button away. If anything else changes, it won't just be my own nursing skills I'm relying on to decide "is this something to stress about?"

However, the money aspect really bothers me, and my line of thinking goes: it's so much MONEY to just sit here, bored and alone. (Possibly for nothing!) How are we going to pay for all of that AND a new baby? I hope people are really generous if we have a shower and will help pay for some of the most needed and expensive items. I know people LOVE buying adorable outfits but I could do without a million of those. Instead I'm really going to need a crib and a stroller and a car seat and diapers and probably a breast pump because we currently have NOTHING. Not even paint for the kid's room. And what if the absolute WORST happens and the baby dies? Can I have a 'pity shower' where people just throw money at me because it will literally gut me to pay a $x000 hospital bill with nothing to show for it. I worked it out today that if I could make it 32 weeks it would be north of $1400 to continue to stay in a private room. If I make it to 34 weeks, it would be upwards of $2800. And that doesn't include parking, or meals for Brian when he is here staying with me (he buys much tastier meals than what arrives on my tray I might add).

I know I could avoid most of the cost by moving into a shared room...but that might just kill me too.

So...here I sit. Acorn better damn well grow up to appreciate it.

(please baby, I'm only kidding, pleasepleaseplease just be okay and don't die).

Half a year

2011-06-26T18:48:00.006-04:00

30 weeks + 1 day, 13 weeks + 3 days post rupture, day 3 in hospital (again).

When I was in high school I took art classes. I started in Grade 9 and continued right up until I graduated. I loved those classes. I got pretty good at drawing faces especially (if I do say so myself) and in my last year of high school I even won the Grade 12 Art Award.

One thing about art that was always lots of fun were the teachers. They were generally warmer, creative type people who were kind of 'quirky'. One of the 'quirkiest' art teachers I ever had was in Grade 11. He was short, with beautifully groomed grey hair, wore pastel coloured pants, had very strong opinions on art (and everything else), was totally gay, and had the most appropriate name: Mr. Flowers. I kid you not.

Art teachers just seemed funnier, cooler and usually more 'with it' than say, my Grade 10 Geography teacher who reused the same jokes every semester. Kids who had already taken Geography would ask "so has he told the radioactive rock joke yet?" and sure enough, during the exact same lesson they warned you about, out came the radioactive rock joke. It wasn't funny the first 20 times he used it, so I'm not sure why he kept it up.

One of my favourite art teachers was Mr. Ludlow. He was middle aged and pudgy around the middle. When not smiling his face kind of had a hound dog appearance, and he always looked sort of mildly unkempt, like he was in his Saturday afternoon lounge clothes all week long. He was one of those types of teachers who 'got it'. He knew some kids took his class because he wasn't a hard ass and didn't get all bent out of shape when kids didn't show up on time. He treated his class more like a college class in that each student was responsible for his or her own work, and he would fairly grade anything that was turned in...but he wasn't going to chase teens down (some of whom were already 18), to do their school work. You either showed up and worked, or you didn't. It was no skin off his nose.

Anyway, I'm getting to the point of this whole story now. Mr. Ludlow lived with his wife and I think he had a kid or two, maybe school aged at the time. But one day he told us about how he had decorated his living room (we might have been working on furniture or housing designs that day?). He said that in his living room he had painted a phrase on the wall. I thought this was so original...words on one's wall??!! That was interesting to me (and unheard of in my white bread little city). And the phrase he chose?

This too shall pass.

This obviously struck me as very bold, original and somewhat contemplative since I remember it even now almost 14 years later. I liked that it wasn't a happy statement about "home is where the heart is" or "bless this mess" or some equally kitschy or cute. It spoke to the fact that nothing is stable. Not even in one's own home. Nothing is for sure. Nothing lasts. Not sadness. Not happiness. Your only sure bet is that things will change (and death and taxes of course).

I remember on the evening after we first found out that Aidan was not likely to be okay, after both Brian and I threw up because we were crying so hard...I remember thinking about my Grade 10 art teacher and the writing on his wall. I tried to imagine us being happy again one day, because I knew we could not go on living in such a pit of despair. Things must get better. They must change. They could not stay the same. We could not bear it. And we wouldn't have to. We could count on the fact that "this too shall pass". And from that point on, until a few months after Aidan died, things were pretty shitty...until they got a little better...and a little better again...and hope for a new baby arrived and things were looking up....until they weren't (again). And then weeks and weeks and weeks passed and things still looked grim, and then they looked a little better, and now things still aren't great or perfect or even a sure thing...but they have changed (sort of).

I write this post tonight in honour of my (HOLY SHIT), HALF A YEAR (26 weeks), of bed rest in LESS THAN A YEAR AND A HALF. I write to remind myself that while I sometimes feel like I have been doing this forever, and that things have felt so wrong, so sad and so depressing for so long...it won't always be like this. Hopefully things will be much better (soon? pleaseohpleaseohplease), but they could also be much worse (*sob*).

But this too shall pass. Nothing stays the same forever. Even when you're on bed rest.

Did I ever mention how much I hate the hospital?

2011-06-25T10:31:00.008-04:00

30 weeks, 13 weeks + 2 days post rupture, day 2 in hospital (again)

Did I? I can't remember if somewhere in my blog I might have mentioned how much I hate being in hospital. So let me say it again in case it got missed the first time: I FUCKING HATE BEING IN HOSPITAL.

The hospital is the most crappy place on earth to be and these are only a few of the reasons:

1. Nurses who unplug your ELECTRIC bed to plug in their automatic blood pressure machine. Then they either a) don't plug your bed back in so it will no longer go up and down or raise your head or your feet making it impossible to sit up and eat breakfast while reclining like you're SUPPOSED TO BE DOING because OH YEAH YOU'RE ON BED REST or b) they remember to plug the bed back in...to an outlet that doesn't have power...causing similar results as above.

2. Nurses who repeatedly kick your (admittedly ugly) crocs out of the way when doing your monitoring. This makes it next to impossible to either a) find your ugly shoes under your bed without bending over (hello, pregnant and leaking = gushing while bending) and/or b) make it impossible to reach the same ugly shoes without stepping on the dirty hospital floor, making shoes kind of besides the point.

3. Having to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry your ENTIRE (lengthy) medical history, dead son and all. Then having to listen to your mother explain nicely to the same person "no, this is not my first grandchild...my daughter's first child Aidan was our first grandchild". Duh?

4. Answering the same questions over and over and over again. Any cramping? No. Any bleeding? No. Any leaking? Yes (what the fuck do you think I'm here for?) Does the leaking have an odour? No. (Actually it does, funny enough, it smells like amniotic fluid). Any palpitations? No. Chest pain? No. Shortness of breath? No. (If I was having cardiac symptoms I'd be calling a frigging code on myself...trust me).

5. Them wanting me to HAND OVER ALL MY medications so they can dole them out. Um...I HAVE been taking these medications every day, forever...I think I can manage just fine without your help. Plus last time I was here I actually had to REMIND you when my meds were due...not a huge vote of confidence in your favour. Why don't I just TELL you when I take them and you can mark it on my chart. K?

Oh and the BIGGEST piss off of all?

Although I spend 24 hours a day in a hospital, in an uncomfortable bed, FOR WHICH WE ARE PAYING $100 A DAY OUT OF POCKET for a private room so I don't lose my shit anymore than I already am...the doctors only see a need to have me on the fetal cardiac monitor for TWENTY MINUTES A DAY. In total. That's all. Never mind the other 23 hours and 40 minutes. Nothing will happen in those hours.

That's right folks. Although Dr. S. poo pooed my idea to do a doppler check from home either multiple times per day, or for longer periods of time (for let's say, oh, I don't know, 20 minute stretches)...instead I get to be here. Increasing my risk of infection. Decreasing my satisfaction. Increasing my stress. All for the pleasure of a 20 minute strip per day. At the low low cost of $100/day.

Awesome.

At least today is 30 weeks!!!! Can I get a holla' from the crowd??!!!

Boo

2011-06-23T11:14:00.003-04:00

29 weeks + 5 days, 13 weeks post rupture, day 44 at my parent's place.

So my fluid levels are low at 2.5cm.

Damn.

I've been leaking pretty heavily and consistently all week, and although I still feel movement it's more of a tight rolling feeling (which I equate with low fluid), rather than quick pops so I'm not surprised. Still it's disappointing and worrisome. All other parameters are the same. Acorn still has good movements, still has breathing motions, bladder was full and cord flow is normal. Cervix is 4cm long (this measurement changes so much I have no idea how accurate it is, but I guess bigger is better). They didn't do the measurements of the baby today, which makes me sad because weekly growth is nice to see, even if it's only an estimate.

Dr. S.'s instinct at this point is not to deliver, HOWEVER...with fluid levels that low he's concerned about cord compression, so he would like to admit me to hospital for twice daily NSTs. Boo.

The plan is to go to hospital tomorrow and monitor Acorn's heart rate over the weekend. If Acorn starts having decels then we might be looking at delivery sooner rather than later. If my low fluid levels are just a 'blip' and an ultrasound next week shows increased levels, then he would be happy for me to continue to be at home. My concern is, what if on Monday Acorn has shown a good heart rate over the weekend and looks just fine on the monitors, but continues to have low fluid levels? My bet is that they will want to keep me. And while I'm all for doing everything in Acorn's best interest, I'm loathe to spend anymore time in hospital than I absolutely have to. Infection causing bugs, crappy beds, awful food, expensive parking and astronomical costs for a private room are what lies at the hospital...not a place I want to be if I can help it.

Dr. S. did say that his 'secret suspicion' is that Acorn's lungs are going to be okay, as he or she has had adequate amounts of amniotic fluid for the weeks that were very important for lung development. He can't 'guarantee' that of course, but it's nice to hear him say it. It still doesn't completely alleviate our worry over Acorn's lungs...but it helps a bit. Our goal right now is to build up fluid (come on hole, seal up!), avoid infection, avoid cord compression and make it as long as possible in order to avoid 'preemie' problems. It still feels like an up hill battle. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other.

We also discussed his impending vacation from weeks 31 to 34 of my pregnancy. He told me that one of two doctors would be taking over my case. Neither of them are Dr. K. However, one of them I have met and liked and (bonus!) she's a woman. As I've previously mentioned, I would have chosen a female OB from the start if I had any choice in the matter, so I might just get this one tiny, now insignificant, wish granted. Joy.

So, my next update will be from my hospital bed. Let's hope it's a good one.

Summer

2011-06-21T13:41:00.004-04:00

29 weeks + 3 days, 12 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 42 at my parent's place.

I have always loved summer. It's my favourite season. I love being able to walk outside and not worry about gloves, boots or jackets...heck I often walk around my yard without shoes. Bare feet tickled by grass, sun warm on my skin. I love swimming. I love going for long evening walks. I love sitting in the sun. As a kid, I loved being off school. Long days to read, relax and play with friends. Things always seemed possible in the summer.

Today is the first day of summer.

Aidan was due in mid to late summer, but arrived only a month into spring. On his due date I looked around and saw a day so different than the one he was born on. On August 15th the trees were in full bloom, the plants and bushes were over grown, the day was hot and muggy with summer storms brewing. It didn't resemble April 21st at all. We should have just been starting out our lives together, but Aidan was already almost 4 months gone...a whole season away.

But Acorn, no matter what happens, will be a summer baby...just like he or she is suppose to be. Hopefully a healthy, happy July baby instead of a late August, early September one. A Cancer instead of a Leo or a Virgo. Early...but not too early to make life improbable, like it was for Aidan.

Hopefully all good things are possible this summer.

Decisions, Decisions

2011-06-19T16:11:00.005-04:00

29 weeks + 1 day, 12 weeks + 3 days post rupture, day 40 at my parent's place.

As a mentioned in my Thursday post we are starting to get to a 'decision making' point in this pregnancy. Dr. Eeyore (who I will now start referring to again as Dr. S. as he is no longer such a downer) actually left the room at one point on Thursday to discuss my case with other OBs in his practice. His question for them was "when should I deliver this patient?"

Their answers were the standard "let her go to 34 or 36 weeks if she's stable...and by the way why if she's a pPROM isn't she in hospital?"

The answers these other OBs gave made me kind of nervous. They were using the textbook 'standard of care' model to answer his questions, but as we know, I'm not the standard.

At all. Ever.

And it wouldn't matter so much what those other OBs think as long as Dr. Eeyore (whoops, Dr. S.) and Brian and I are all on the same page. If he thinks it's best to deliver at 32 weeks and the NICU team agrees, I'm all for it. I recognize that every day I stay pregnant I'm helping Acorn to avoid 'preemie' problems, but I also recognize that each day is another day I could get infected which would drop Acorn's chances of survival significantly. So maybe it would be better if I hit 32 weeks and baby still looks good, we call it a day and say "ok, Acorn you're coming out!" I especially liked that Dr. S. is leaning towards 32 weeks because he doesn't want to push our luck. He's conscious of our prior loss and this past Thursday was the first time he ever referred to 'what we've been through'. He wants us to have the best shot possible at a healthy baby, and that means the world to us.

So Brian and I figured we take it a week at a time. Each time we see Dr. S. we'll make a decision regarding Acorn: take him this week or leave him?

Then we found out Dr. S. GOES ON VACATION FOR FIRST THREE WEEKS OF JULY!!!! (Weeks 31 through 34 of my pregnancy, assuming I get that far).

Crap.

Now I know, everyone deserves a vacation, and July and August are big vacation times here in Canada so I shouldn't really be surprised. Plus, we still have two more appointments with Dr. S. (June 23 and 30th) where I hope we can devise a plan...but after that, some other OB will be 'managing' my case. Now it won't be so bad if it's say, Dr. K. I trust him and he knows about our 'case', but it could be some doctor we've never met before! This doctor might not be as willing to do a C-section on a woman whose 'doing well' at 32 weeks and might want to 'push it'. That might be a good call, or it might not be. But I would hate to leave that decision with a doctor who we might have just met.

I feel like if Dr. S. goes away and I'm still pregnant, Brian and I might have to be more forceful in terms of advocating for ourselves with a new doctor on board, and might be more responsible for decision making. Taking Acorn out at 32 weeks (or 30, or 31?) might be a good call. But what if Acorn suffers from more preemie problems due to us 'rushing' in, like NEC or IVHs or a PDA or even less serious ones like GERD. And what if his or her lungs are 'worse off' then they would have been at 34 weeks? But what if we delay hoping for a bigger, stronger, more mature preemie, but then infection sets in. An infected baby at any age is bad news.

And don't get me started on the lungs...the state of Acorn's lungs keeps me awake at night.

Who knew this 'parenting' thing would be so HARD? Of course, the up side of having to make the decision of when to 'start' our premature baby's life, is that it will hopefully make any other normal parenting decision we have to make seem easy by comparison. When should we start solids? Who should babysit our child? What school should Acorn attend? Can Acorn walk to school alone at age 12? Should we allow Acorn to go on an overnight camping trip with friends at 15? Should we be upset if Acorn gets a tattoo at 17?

Those will be cake by comparison. Now if we could only be assured we'd get there.

Have you ever had to make any life or death decisions for your child, either the living or the dead? Did you feel afterwards that you made the right call? Why or why not?

Heart

2011-06-17T16:08:00.002-04:00

28 weeks + 6 days, 12 weeks + 1 day post rupture, day 38 at my parent's place.

Acorn's heart is fine.

And I didn't see anyone I know at the hospital. My mom and I were able to make a clean getaway.

Yippee!

The scoop for today

2011-06-16T11:31:00.003-04:00

28 weeks + 5 days, 12 weeks post rupture, day 37 at my parent's place

Ultrasound went okay today. My fluid levels are a little lower at 4.4 but the bladder was full and everything else looks good. Baby has grown about 200 grams in a week and now is estimated to weigh 2 lbs 7 oz. Still measuring a little small, but remains on his/her own growth track. Blood flow through the cord and in the brain is perfect. Still can't see if it's a boy or a girl...so Acorn he/she remains. What was really cute was we got to see the front side of the face and Acorn looks to have sort of 'chubby' (relative to size, of course) cheeks. So at least if Acorn's head is a kind of a funny shape, his or her cute cheeks will make up for it!

Dr. Eeyore confessed to be 'excited' today at our appointment so I call that progress. He's amazed that I keep showing up pregnant every week. He's starting to wonder about how long to let me go. He's starting to err on the side of delivery as early as 32 weeks, whereas he admits other doctors would let me go as far as 34 or 36 weeks. As he said, he wants to get the baby out in the best condition possible and it would be bad if what prompted delivery was infection. Infected babies don't do as well. But, on the other hand Acorn is doing well right now and therefore it's probably best if baby stays put and bakes a little longer.

For my own sake I'd like this baby delivered as soon as safely possible. My back, legs, feet, neck, and shoulders ache on an almost constant basis from lack of movement. I would love to be able to get up and stretch and go for a walk...but alas I just have to lie there and beg my husband for massages instead. I try to do ankle rolls, leg pumps, shoulder stretches and side bends but my movement is severely limited. Last night was also the first night that I noticed my fingers felt a little swollen. I'm hoping it's just a 'pregnancy' thing rather than a 'heart not working so well' thing, but still it's a bit concerning.

For Acorn's sake, I'd like to go as long as possible. Bigger is generally better. I just hope lung development has been adequate and Acorn's delivery date is the start of a long healthy life, rather than (another) worst day of our lives.

As for the fetal ECHO we are going to go, but I have spoken to the nurse coordinator at the clinic and explained the situation. She is on board with only getting the images they can get. There will be no 'getting up and moving around' and no pushing to try to get the baby to 'turn'. What they will see is what they will get. I feel okay about this decision (it is another trip in the car and time outside, which is the highlight of my week!), but I just hope it doesn't add to our worries.

So that's the scoop for today.

Rambles

2011-06-13T11:02:00.009-04:00

28 weeks + 2 days, 11 weeks + 4 days post rupture, day 34 at my parent's place.

I'm scared and sad tonight, not for any particular reason (other than the obvious), so I thought it might help if I write it all down. So sorry in advance if this post is kinda ramblely...

I got a text message from Brian tonight after he got home stating that I have (or rather Acorn has) a fetal ECHO scheduled for this coming Friday at 8am. So this would be another (stressful) appointment in addition to our (stressful) regular Thursday OB appointment. At my OB appointment last week Dr. Eeyore felt I was 'ruining his protocols' because I, as a cardiac patient, had not had a fetal ECHO. They like to do fetal ECHOs on all maternal congenital cardiac patients because I have a slightly higher risk of having a baby with a heart defect, and it's nice to know this info prior to delivery so you aren't unprepared for what could be a sick cardiac baby. Statistically the general population has a 1-2% risk of having a baby with a heart defect, whereas I have about a 3-5% chance. So a higher risk for sure...but still not enormous.

I was kind of pissed with Dr. Eeyore for 'admonishing' me for not having a fetal ECHO. Um, hello, jackass, you were SURE up until a week or two ago that our kid was a goner...so why the hell would I have gone for a pointless fetal ECHO? Waste of time, energy and resources much? (I swear, sometimes doctors are so 'smart' they forget to be 'sensible'...I could write a whole post on this from a nursing perspective, but that's for another time).

Anyway, now that Acorn is technically 'viable' and I understand Dr. Eeyore's reasoning for wanting this information, I am still of two minds about going for the appointment.

First and foremost, I'm wondering how likely it is going to be that they will get good enough pictures of the heart for the scan to be useful. Since my fluid levels probably vary day by day, there is no telling what they'll be on Friday...could be enough to get good pictures...but likely not 'perfect'. When they did my anatomy scan they were able to see all 4 chambers of the heart (good!), but weren't able to see detail. On the repeat scan when I had the highest fluid level of 11, the nurse was able to see a detailed view of the right side of the heart (all normal!), but baby would not turn to show her the left side. So four chambers plus a good right sided view have been seen. What if we get there and they can see one side but not the other? It's not like I can walk up and down the hallways and jump around in order to get the baby to 'turn' (hello...low fluid levels, baby CAN'T turn, plus there is NO WAY I'm chancing walking around just so you can attempt to take pictures of my kid's heart).

On the other hand I wonder if an ECHO could give us any idea of how the lungs look. For example, if they see good blood flow to the lungs does that mean they are developing well? Could they give us an idea of how much chest space the lungs are taking up (hopefully showing normal amounts and therefore good lung growth)? I will ask about this at my appointment on Thursday, and it might be the deciding factor.

The other factors affecting my decision are purely comfort and stress factors for myself. 1) it's another early morning appointment and I don't sleep well prior to any appointment. 2) it could be a very long appointment and I absolutely cannot wait in waiting rooms if I'm leaking. The stress of that sends me through the roof. 3) If there is something that is 'ambiguous' in terms of bad news, ie: "well the left side of the heart looks slightly small...but we're not sure what that means, and it could be nothing"...the stress of hearing that might just break me. Everything is so 'unsure' at this moment if they add in a 'possible, maybe, but not likely, but it could be' heart defect I might just keel over. I have enough to worry about thanksverymuch. 4) it's ANOTHER round of medical people to explain my fucked up medical history to. Yes, I have a heart defect. Yes, I have a dead son. Yes, this pregnancy didn't go quite as we'd hoped. Yes, I know my fluid levels aren't normal...and so on and so forth. I'm tired of feeling like a freak. 5) the clinic where they do the fetal ECHO is at the children's hospital where I work. Not only that, it's DIRECTLY across from the unit where I'm on my most recent leave of absence from. There is a large possibility I'll run into someone I know. "Why yes, hello colleague that I haven't seen in months, I am still pregnant...yes, things are still dicey...yes, I'm being pushed around in a wheelchair in hopes of preventing amniotic fluid from leaking out all over the floor...hope you have a good day too!" Awkward.

However, in the good news column, one of the moms on the pPROM message board that I follow had her baby today at 29 weeks and 4 days after being ruptured for 8 weeks. Her daughter is doing well so far and is on CPAP room air (no added O2). If that's what Acorn's first day is like, I will be THRILLED! It doesn't mean you're out of the woods respiratory wise as baby's often have a bit of a 'honeymoon' period when they first emerge, but it's definitely pointing in the right direction in terms of lung growth. I hope her daughter continues to do well. So, mood upper.

But then, of course, I had to go and scare myself and read the abstract of a study conducted at the NICU where Acorn will (hopefully) spend a short and uneventful stay. It stated that while pPROM outcomes have improved, pPROM babies generally have more complications than matched cohorts (ie: other babies born at the same gestational age). These complications include brain bleeds, retinopathy of prematurity (potential for blindness), and chronic lung disease. Definite mood downer.

I'm just so afraid of what is going to happen. It sometimes seems unbelievable that we could possibly have a good outcome. I've seen way too many of you out there in babylost land over the past 14 months who have had perfect pregnancies, no complications and then like a punch to the gut the baby is dead for no good reason. Sadly, Acorn has every reason NOT to survive, not to thrive, not to do well. And part of me is SO proud of Acorn for doing so well so far...and another part of me is so afraid for what he/she, and we might have to face. How do you get this far, have this much 'hope' tossed your way, only to fail to get your 'miracle' (again). It's so overwhelming when I think of everything my body and Acorn have had to face and what might still be to come.

I just hope whatever luck (fate, karma, God?) has kept us going this long, has and will continue to stay on our side and help good things to keep coming our way.

Did you ever feel pressured into what you felt was 'unnecessary' or 'too stressful' medical tests, either baby related or otherwise? How did you resolve the issue?

28 week musings

2011-06-11T11:09:00.004-04:00

28 weeks, 11 weeks + 2 days post rupture, day 32 at my parent's place.

28 weeks...huh. Not bad. Never really expected to get here...but glad to see it for sure. If this were a climb up Mount Everest I would be at 2nd base camp or something. High up, for sure. Way higher than most get...but still the top is covered in clouds. Or, to use another analogy, I feel like I've been nominated for an Oscar...but I'm a long shot. I'm the one that only got nominated because I'm a nobody, but had an amazing performance in my first ever lead role. I don't know if I expect to win...but hey, since I'm nominated, it COULD happen. Plus it's been fun hanging out with the likes of Meryl Streep and Dame Judy Dench. I guess what I'm saying is I still don't feel like I fit in with 'real' pregnant women...but the idea that there might be a living baby in my future (and an NICU stay) is starting to feel slightly more 'possible' rather than completely improbable.

Now, if only my crystal ball were working and I could know about Acorn's lungs. Because no matter how far up this mountain I get, if those don't work, we're sliding all the way back down into babylost hell.

In other news, my insurance company denied my claim for nursing services, so we continue to rely on family and friends to come and babysit me. I can't say I'm surprised after the chilly reception I got from the nurse coordinator who came to assess me. The insurance company sent me a form basically stating I was too high risk and should be in the hospital. Awesome...thanks for nothing insurance company. So far, things have been working out, but we have no one to cover this coming Monday, and Brian refuses to even consider letting me stay by myself (which I'm secretly glad of), so it might mean he has ANOTHER day off this week, in addition to Thursday which is our doctor appointment day. *Sigh*...it's only money, right?

Since our doctor's appointment on Thursday I've been leaking more fluid. I try to remind myself that Acorn is peeing lots, and that fluid can re-accumulate...but it's scary and upsetting when it happens, especially if it's lots of larger gushes in a short time period. It's hard not knowing when or if it's going to stop and how long it might take to build up again. One larger gush every couple of days isn't too terrible, but multiple times over the course of a day or two freaks me out. It also didn't help that yesterday Acorn seemed to be stuck WAY down in my pelvis (like bikini line level) and wasn't moving very much. Seriously kid...I need you to move at least a couple of times an hour to let me know you're okay! Acorn, you've got to work with me here. Save the drama for when you're much older and healthier and want a Nintendo or a car or something. I'll cave...I promise.

When the gushes and less movement happen I never know if we should just wait it out and see what happens or should we be rushing to the hospital to get Acorn checked out. The decision making feels like such a big responsibility, which I know is why Brian wants me in hospital. He's afraid we'll choose wrong and wants 'professionals' making those calls, not us. It's just that I could go there and get admitted and then sit around for days or weeks, sad, uncomfortable, and stressed. I'd just be eating crappy food and increasing my risk of infection..and Acorn may be just fine and not know the difference.

I wish I could see the future. It would make things so much easier.

"Interesting"

2011-06-09T18:35:00.008-04:00

27 weeks + 5 days, 11 weeks post rupture, day 30 at my parent's place

Sheesh, just keeping track of the above numbers is starting to tax my brain which has turned to mush after watching so much crap TV and doing nothing more strenuous than showering these past few weeks.

But anyway, on to the update.

I'm now going for weekly biophysical profile ultrasounds. Basically they measure the baby, make sure Acorn is still continuing grow and isn't showing signs of distress, measure my fluid index and then we get to see Dr. Eeyore and find out what he has to stay about it all.

To sum up, baby is still growing, although still on the small side. Last week was measuring about the 40th%, but today is about the 20th%, although I take all these measurements with a grain of salt because the low fluid levels make it hard to see. I've been told they don't really worry about babies until they get below the 3rd% so I figure we're okay. The baby's weight based on their calculations is 894 grams, up 70 grams from last week, and is *just* below 2 lbs.

Fluid level was pretty decent at 7.1. Of course I had a bit of a gush when I got home so that always makes me kind of anxious and stressed and probably dropped my fluid levels a bit.

Otherwise blood flow continues to be good and the nurse doing my ultrasound said that she could reasonably give me a biophysical profile score of 8/8, however that doesn't really 'capture' the pPROM and slightly low fluid levels, so she gave a 6/8 with 2 off for 'low fluid'. I get what she's saying...it's not really 'fair' to give a pPROM mom a perfect score, which is the same score a normal pregnant woman would get. I'm also not really too concerned about 'scores' at this point. I was just happy to hear that Acorn was moving well, had good tone and was showing breathing motions (diaphragm movement) and had some fluid...those are the major things I like to see.

After that we ran into Dr. K. He was so happy to hear that I was doing well and was really positive when he saw how much fluid I have. When he asked how far along I was now and I said almost 28 weeks, he said "oh that great, that's just what I was hoping for you guys". Yeah, us too Dr. K.

Then it was on to Dr. Eeyore. When he went over my ultrasound report today he said "Well, now you're getting interesting". I know he meant this as a compliment, and I suppose I am becoming more 'interesting' obstetrically...but I felt like smacking his face! OH, I INTEREST you now do I? So what, I've just been 'dull' these last 11 weeks have I? Uncertain outcomes not your style Dr. Eeyore? Like those happy yummy mommies who only run into any sort of 'difficulty' after 24 weeks? Sorry jackass, pregnancy is 40 weeks...it doesn't start when you could 'do something' at 24 weeks and sometimes shit happens earlier than you would 'approve'. Now that you actually might have to step up and make decisions (hospitalize or not?, C/S or not?, deliver the baby now or wait?), I INTEREST you do I? Awesome. Glad my kid and I have got your attention.

As an aside: this is one thing that I like about nursing. Patients are considered 'whole people' and therefore don't become more or less 'interesting' based on their health conditions. In fact the patients I remember most, cared the most about, want to help the most, are the ones whose outcomes are uncertain or poor. Just because I couldn't always "DO" for these patients what they wanted (have a health child), I could at least be extra caring towards them.

Anyway I digress...

He went on to explain how when I ruptured he would have given me a 0% chance of bringing home a baby and now he's more optimistic. He's thinking that my rupture is likely 'higher up' in the sac, rather than over my cervix. This has been a good thing in terms of latency, preventing infection, and for keeping fluid in. He says having fluid levels of 7 mean that I'm not their typical pPROM patient who generally has next to none. He's actually not looking to hospitalize me, although he said it was up to us. He feels I'm doing well at home, I 'live' (or am shacking up) near by, and generally the bigger the baby gets the less likely you are to have a 'speedy' delivery necessitating emergency care. Acorn is also bum down in a frank breech position, which helps block the cervix and would help to prevent cord prolapse. This is all good news, but my husband and I are still nervous. The farther we get, (we hope) the more 'chance' the baby has of doing well and we'd feel awful if our 'chances' were lowered by being at home. Plus it's scary as hell to imagine another emergency ride to the hospital in pain or bleeding or both. So this might take some thought and decision making on our part.

I also had an ECHO, but we didn't want to stick around to discuss the results with my cardiologist. They were going to make me wait all morning to see her, so we said no, just call us if anything is wrong. Then we headed home. I've been a bit worried about how my heart is doing, based on the pregnancy and lack of any exercise at all so I hope those results are status quo too. I would have liked to hear the results today so I could stop worrying about my heart, but I wasn't willing to stick around for over 2 hours sitting in their waiting room.

All in all a fairly good day.

So the waiting continues...thank goodness.

3

2011-06-07T14:34:00.004-04:00

27 weeks + 3 days, 10 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 28 at my parent's house

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary. Three years ago today, June 7th 2008, was one of the best days of my life. I had such a fun day. Our wedding went off with barely a hitch. Exactly the way I planned it. Our whole lives were ahead of us. We were happy, carefree, excited to see what would happen next.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

Please please let this be our last one without a (born) living child.

Right Where I Am: One Year, One Month, Six Days Later

2011-06-03T09:50:00.004-04:00

Okay, I've enjoyed reading all your posts about 'where you are' right now after your loss as kicked off by Angie at still life with circles, but I'm honestly having a hard time figuring out where I'm at with Aidan's death. His death is currently so emotionally tied up with all that I'm going through with Acorn, it's hard to even separate the two situations in my head....but I'll try, just for you guys.

So....

Where am I at?

I still miss him. I still think about him every day and wish that things could have been different for him and for us. I wish I had got to spend more time with him. I wish I had more pictures of him. I wish I could remember what his ears looked like. Wish I had moulds of his hands and not just his feet. Wish I knew what colour his eyes would have been and what his voice would have sounded like. Wish I could hold him one more time.

Still wish that I could have saved him. Some how, some way.

But I can't. And, over time, that has just became how it was. How it is. Aidan is dead, but I am alive. As I said in an earlier post, it will never be 'okay' that he died, but our lives have continued on and Brian and I are 'okay'. We have found the resilience within ourselves. Life without him is hard, and some situations and moments are harder than others. But over time, life has became more and more bearable, livable, even enjoyable. He is not here...but I am, and I would be doing him a disservice not to live the life I am given. He didn't get the chance...so I'll have to take it for him.

And then I got pregnant again. For awhile things were going well. We felt happier, more fulfilled, more hopeful about our future. I don't mean to imply that Acorn was 'making up' for Aidan. It was that it was so nice to feel like we somehow were being granted a second chance at having some control over our lives. That was a huge thing that Brian and I felt we lost with Aidan. Yes, we lost a child, and that was the worst thing ever...but it was also so hard to feel like we lost control of the direction of our lives. We wanted a baby, a family of our own, just like millions of other couples our age. And while we got pregnant with somewhat more trouble than others seemed to endure, that was only the beginning. After weeks of bed rest, bad news, bleeding, pain and fear, Aidan was gone...just like that. When I got pregnant with Acorn we had hope that things could be more 'normal'.

Ha.

We stepped out of one nightmare-ish roller coaster of a reality and into another.

And all my emotions and thoughts this pregnancy are coloured by what happened to Aidan. I felt I did pretty well through the first trimester. I felt like I could cope with the stress of being a pregnant babylost mama. Yes, it would be difficult and we would probably worry more, but we also felt like our prior situation was so far out of the norm that it was likely we wouldn't have the same complications. I felt I could be relaxed if everything was shown to be proceeding 'normally'. And for awhile, it was.

In those first 14 weeks I was doing well, feeling more positive about my life, myself, and my body. I was hopeful right up until I saw the spotting. And I knew. Right then, I knew. I tried to keep up the optimism. Tried to listen to the doctors when they said to remain 'cautiously optimistic'. Blow it off as babylost mother fear...but I knew. Things were crumbling, just like last time. My body wasn't in my control anymore, again. I was deviating from normal, from safe, again. Things were falling apart, again.

So, I wasn't surprised on that Thursday, 10 weeks and one day ago to feel that old familiar gush down below...

Rupturing again has made me relive my pregnancy experience with Aidan in a much more technicolour way than I ever wanted or expected. I feel more fragile this time around. More prone to sadness and despair. More dissatisfaction with my medical care. More anger and more grief over 'why?'

And how I will feel about Aidan, will be shaped in the end by what happens to Acorn. If Acorn survives and does well, I will be thrilled, over-joyed, feel blessed and grateful. But I will wonder "why couldn't Aidan have had the same outcome?" He was just as loved, just as wanted, just as special. My heart will sing for my living child, and will weep for my dead one.

If Acorn survives but has major life long difficulties, I may wonder if Aidan got the better deal. Aidan was born, he was held, loved, and then he was gone. No more pain or suffering. No tubes, wires, surgeries, wheelchairs, treatments, etc. No more uncertainty. This is actually the outcome that scares me the most. As much as I want Acorn to live, I want him or her to live well. Live with potential. Acorn deserves it. I have been strong enough to be a babylost mom...am I strong enough to be a special needs mom? This feels like a continuation of the uncertainty and fear that has been running our lives for the last two years. I don't know if I could live like that forever.

If Acorn dies, I am worried about what will happen to us in the wake of two losses. Two drawn out, but ultimately failed pregnancies is a lot to contend with mentally, emotionally. socially and physically. Will the grief and the sadness and the anger ever get better? Will our resilience hold up under the weight of all of it? How will we ever feel any hope for our future? Will we ever get that longed for sense of control, safety, security? Will everything we create always die?

Where I'm at is in limbo. I do not know what will come from our current circumstances and my thoughts on babylost-ness are now so hopelessly tied up with our current pregnancy that I just cannot tease them apart.

All I can say for sure is that one year, one month and six days later I still wish Aidan was here, but I have learned to live with the fact that he isn't.

And I still love him more than words can say.

Soldier On

2011-06-02T17:33:00.004-04:00

26 weeks + 5 days, 10 weeks post rupture, day 23 at my parent's place.

So I've been ruptured 2 days longer than I lasted with Aidan. Quite a milestone. At our OB appointment today Dr. Eeyore said that when I ruptured 10 weeks ago he never would have predicted that I would last this long. My response was that "well, if I'd been born a few decades earlier I wouldn't be here either based on my heart condition". You just never know.

Since I'm now well past the point of viability, have had steroids, and am still pregnant, Dr. Eeyore seemed a little more positive today. He was happy to see that blood flow through the cord is normal, fluid level is low at 5.3, but at least I don't have anhydramnious (no fluid). Acorn continues to grow and is in the 40th percentile for gestational age, weighing about 834 grams according to the formula they use to calculate weight. My cervix is long and closed and measures at 2.4cm. Baby is still breech so I'm probably looking at a C-section whenever we deliver. Hopefully my uterus will be big enough whenever that happens that I can have a transverse incision rather than a vertical one. If you have a vertical incision in your uterus they will never let you have a VBAC. You will forever need C-sections for all future children (a concern if we ever need/want to do this again). At this point I'm not opposed to a C-section, but it IS major surgery after 10 (or 12, or 14?) weeks of bed rest, on a high risk cardiac patient and I fear I'm looking at a rough recovery.

While I'm content with the outcome of our appointment today, one thing that they keep finding bothers me. Acorn's head is kind of a funny shape. It's called dolichocephaly. Basically when you look at the baby's head from the top it isn't round. It's oval shaped. Quite oval shaped. The diameter across is measuring at 21 weeks, but the overall circumference is within the normal range. So the head is long and narrow. This is likely due to prolonged low fluid levels.

The doctors don't seem terribly concerned about it and have said that it can go back to normal...but I'm afraid Acorn will look funny when he or she is born. I mean it's not a huge deal in the long term if it can be fixed or will grow back to normal...but what if there is no long term? What if we only have a short time with Acorn? It gave me such pleasure that even though Aidan was small and very quickly dead, at least he was cute in a way that other people could appreciate. What if Acorn is odd looking and the only photos we have to show people don't show a 'normal' looking baby? It's a small worry compared to our other massive worries (lungs!!! cord compression!!! infection!!! prematurity!!! C-section!!!), but anything else that is 'abnormal' at this point always seems like too much to handle.

And so we soldier on.

Note: Yes, dolichocephaly is the shape that normally preemies develop after laying on the sides of their heads for weeks/months. I remember this shape well from my years in the NICU. However, I don't remember any of the babies coming INTO the NICU with that narrow shaped head. They all started out with round heads and then over time morphed into dolichocephalic baby heads. I'm just hoping it's not SO severe or noticeable that it makes Acorn look funny.

Ancient

2011-05-29T17:30:00.006-04:00

26 weeks + 1 day, 9 weeks + 3 days post rupture, day 19 at my parent's place.

My parents live in an 80 year old house on a busy street in the centre of our city. It's an awesome neighbourhood, close to everything. Their house is also a duplex, so they rent the upstairs in order to help pay the mortgage. Their old tenants were already living there when my parents bought the place, so my parents never had to advertise for new renters. Thankfully those tenants were wonderful and generally pretty quiet. But, they were a young couple and recently bought their own house. They moved out late February so the upstairs apartment has been empty since then.

All through March and into April my parents worked on updating the upstairs apartment. It was empty and they wanted to 'spruce it up' a bit so they could rent it for more money. They did a lovely job and their new tenants are moving in this weekend.

The new tenants are two young women. They have jobs, cars, are upwardly mobile, and want to live in a part of the city that is great for getting to fun things like clubs, shopping, parks etc.

I watched out the window today as they and their friends and their fathers helped unload stuff from their cars.

They and their friends are bouncing around in tank tops, flip flops and shorts, hauling boxes and carrying stuff up the stairs. I hear them moving around from my bedroom down below. They are excited to be moving into their 'first place!!!'.

Both women are 27.

I'm 28.

I'm on my second high risk pregnancy in just over a year. I am confined to a few rooms in my parent's home. Any muscle tone I had is gone. I have to track down 'babysitters' for myself this week (my mother-in-law? my brother? my best friend? Can you come stay with me?) My husband has to help me shower. I haven't had a hair cut, worn contacts, or put on makeup in months. Haven't had a dental check up in over a year because my pregnancy went to hell just before I was to go, and yesterday I plucked my eyebrows for the first time in weeks.

I wear the ashes of my dead child in a pendant around my neck.

I feel ancient.

By the way, recently my 'blog I follow' list changed itself and now shows photos embedded in the post updates. Just wondering if anyone knows how to get rid of those? Some of you have recently had 'rainbow' babies and while I'm genuinely happy for you, I'm just not up for their general alive-ness assaulting my eyes whenever I sign on to blogger. Thanks to anyone who can help me out with this.